The Wedding Video

Buy camera, press button, shoot wedding.

You know, it all sounded so bloody simple.

Right, so here I am record...

No, that's not it.

- Do you need a bit of help, mate? - Eh?

First of all, look, you've got it all on manual settings.

You're zoomed right in. You need to come out. There.

- There's you. - Full picture. Here's me.

Cheers for that.

So, Raif Moyle here somewhere over the North Sea.

Making the symbolic journey home to see my brother to be his best man.

- This is Chris, - Hello.

Who showed me how to use the camera. That's nice.

This is 'Kyla' who, for a free can of Heineken

is about to get a starring role in my picture.

It's 3 euro's.

So, this was it. 10:15, May the 3rd,

arriving home to be my brother's best man.

I've just bought a camera and decided to film the build-up to his wedding.

At this point I'm exactly 6 weeks and 3 days away

from totally destroying their marriage. Didn't know it then, of course.

Cheers, mate.

All I knew was I was coming home to see my brother for the first time in 3 years.

A really magical thing to get on film.

One of those things you can't repeat.

Bro!

Oh, bollocks. We're gonna have to do this again, sorry.

- Sit. - What are we doing?

- I just wanna get your reaction on camera. - I'm trying to get dressed for a party.

This will take less than a minute. It's important.

- Right. - Right? Ready?

- Yes. - Action.

- Tim, my brother. How lovely to see you. - Is that it?

- I'm leaving a little gap for you. - It's lovely to see you, too.

Thank you. And as such, I've got you the most incredible wedding present.

- A toaster? - No.

- An erotic fertility symbol? - Better.

An erotic fertility symbol that also toasts?

Ta-da!

- A camera? - No, a film of your wedding.

- No, you're not. - The highs, the lows, the little--

Listen.

I'm gonna make this your wedding, your film, made with love by me.

- So that one day you and... - Saskia.

Saskia, thank you, can look back at this, show it to your grandchildren.

- All right, well, yes, thank you very much. - You're welcome.

- But no swearing and no nudity. - Scout's honour.

- Hi, sexy. - Bloody hell. Do you mind?

I'm telling you, this is gonna be a 'warts and all' wedding video.

And there, ladies, is the wart.

This is what people wanna see. That's the money shot right there.

The looks and the brains. Hey, how's it going?

- You're the brains. - Yeah'?

Yeah.

- Look at that. Look at that bum. - Yeah, all right.

That's why she's marrying you.

She says she knows you, by the way. Saskia. I think she went to your school.

- Saskia Critchley? Doesn't ring any bells. - Well, no.

Because her mum remarried. At school she'd have been Saskia Dutton.

- Fuck off. - What?

You're marrying Saskia Dutton? THE Saskia Dutton?

Highest non-attendance record in school history.

Suspended on an almost fortnightly basis. Saskia Dutton was a legend.

- That is brilliant. - Okay, can you stop this?

It's amazing, though. Like, you!

- Why not me? - Because you're you!

- That's ridiculous. - It's not ridiculous.

- Tim! - Can you stop this.

Hang on, the Duttons were permanently skint. They can't live round here.

Yeah.

- I don't believe that. - Well, I guess things have changed a bit.

Holy shit!

This was it.

The exact moment I entered a part of Cheshire I'd only heard tell of as a kid.

The part they called the Beverly Hills of the UK.

Hi.

- Tim. There he is. - Hi.

There he is, my superstar.

Alex, this is Raif, my brother. Raif, this is Alex, Saskia's mother.

- Hello, Raif. - Hello.

- What's this? - He's making a film.

- As a wedding present. - Oh, you should have told me.

I'd have spent more time on my make-up.

Right.

Welcome, Raif.

Today there are still children from low income backgrounds,

whose lives are destroyed by the ravages of alcohol abuse.

You presence at this champagne tasting means we can send some of them--

These are the 3 most important women in Cheshire.

This is Kym Ling of Yang Ling restaurants. Wilmslow, The Edge, everywhere.

- Only 8, darling. - Only 8, she says.

- Tara Devlin of--Devlins. - Voilà.

And Jacqui Mintchell-Baines of Mintchell-Baines Mercedes.

- Hello. - Not to mention,

the bride-to-be.

Saskia! Saskia.

Come and meet... the best man.

- Saskia Dutton. - Raif Moyle.

Fuck me.

Okay, let me just explain my reaction quickly.

This is how I remember Saskia Dutton.

The craziest girl at school, when she bothered to turn up.

The son' of girl your mum would warn you about.

She went to parties like this and hung out with blokes like that.

But now...

So, how did the two of you meet?

We met at a Road Haulage Industry gala night.

- Oooh. Sounds exciting. - All right, steady.

Was that a benefit for all the cyclists they'd mowed down that year?

It was a benefit for children, Raif.

Okay?

It's a Christmas party. My step-dad, well his company Rigid Box--

All right. Why don't you go back there where I can keep an eye on you.

A sheep smells nicer. Go on, go away.

So, Tim, how does a guy like you propose to a girl like Saskia?

- Eh, we, it was in... - It was in Chester.

Yeah. We came out of the restaurant,

I sat her down by the fountains roundabout and popped the question.

And he timed the fountains so they went off just as I gave my answer.

Which was a bit embarrassing because I said 'no' initially.

She's joking.

Alex's charity events, perfection.

I'm blushing here. So embarrassing.

Do you remember the buffet for Famine Relief?

Oh, my God. I've still got half of it in the freezer.

Have you? I'll have it back for the next one.

- It's in a good cause. - No, actually, we do raise a lot of money.

- We try and put something back. - Like today.

- We've got great lives and... - Very good cause. Let's drink to that.

- The alcohol abused children. - Absolutely.

Great lad.

Great lad this.

As Saskia's step-dad, I suppose you're doing 'the father of the bride' speech?

- That's a great idea. Des, you should. - No, no.

We would love that.

- Oh, good. - Thanks.

- Are you from round here? - Initially, yes. I'm a traveller now.

- What? - I travel.

- Country to country, or lay-by to lay-by? - Abroad.

Right. For a minute there you had me reaching for my handbag.

Because if I were a traveller I might try to rob you. That's...

Of course not, they don't all try to rob you.

The adults keep you talking. The children rob you.

Raif, where are you?

- I'm over here in England, in about 1700. - Oh, you've met.

This is Saskia's grandmother, Patricia. Patricia, this is my brother Raif.

- Brother? - Yes.

Here's me asking if you know Manor House. You went.

No. Tim got a scholarship.

I went to Roton High, same as Saskia.

She was in the year above me.

Was above me in most things, to be perfectly honest.

When Saskia got told off it was by the Headmaster.

I only ever managed the Deputy Head.

The last time I saw Saskia Dutton, she was being carried out of the chemistry lab,

a teacher at either end having drunk an entire test tube of industrial alcohol.

- That was so funny. Remember? - Fuck off.

- Tim, shall we get another drink? - What a good idea.

This is the actual day. Saskia Dutton is meant to be in this photograph but eh...

well, she knew all the teachers would be out on the field so,

that was the day of the chemistry lab raid.

If she'd looked up as she was carried into that ambulance--

- I got a duvet and pillows and stuff. - Look, look.

Cool.

Have you really not opened any of these boxes from mum and dad's?

I've been kinda busy, having a job, getting married, buying this duvet.

Come on, man. This is you and me in these boxes. This is us, our whole lives.

Yeah. Okay, well knock yourself out. Got a bit of an early start. All right?

- Sleep well. - Night, mate.

5330 am.

The only people awake are milkmen, crack addicts,

and women preparing for a wedding.

- Do you have to do this? - Course he does. It's background.

- Have you filmed the home cinema? - Yeah.

Stick a kebab shop up there and you'll never have to leave the house.

Oh, I wish, don't you, that you had more time at home sometimes?

My husband, Des, with his company. The amount of social functions.

- Is it very hard being 'Mrs Rigid Box'? - Not hard 'hard'.

No, I'm not complaining. God, there's people in India with no legs. It's just...

Could you, sorry, could you take your shoes...

Oh, right. Sorry.

- It's just with it being porcelain. - Yeah.

Thanks, darling. This week, for example,

2 separate nights we're taking clients to the concerts at...

Do you know the classical concerts at Breton Castle? Do you know those?

They are amazing. Full orchestra, outside, under the stars.

- Costs a fortune to get in but... - Not if you do it like we used to.

Yeah, I'm sure Raif doesn't wanna know about that, darling.

We used to climb the hill from the other side. Watch it all from behind for free.

Bag of sandwiches.

Actually, Raif, could you put your shoes back on?

Oh, sorry.

Okay, get ready for the slow motion.

And... slow motion.

Meet Tim Moyle, my big brother.

Oh, don't do that.

- So, tell me about your job. - Well, I'm head of a department,

which oversees systems across the various council departments,

- and it makes sure-- - Can't stay awake.

Okay, piss right off. Thank you.