Nanny McPhee

We must begin our story, sad to say, with an empty chair.

If it were not empty, we would not have a story.

But it is, and we do, and it is time to tell it.

This is the story of my family--

Of my seven children who are all very clever...

but all very, very, very naughty.

This is Nanny Whetstone,

the 17th nanny I had hired to look after my children.

She was the strictest, the toughest...

and the most fearless nanny in all the land.

And as I went to work that morning at the local funeral parlor,

I was confident in the knowledge that there was nothing,

absolutely nothing, that my children could do to upset her.

They've eaten the baby!

Except that.

He's coming! He's coming! He's coming!

Quiet. He's coming.

Shh!

Children, where's Aggy?

Oh, look at you. You're all cabbagey.

Oh. Oh, you're all gravy.

As was doubtless your intention, Nanny Whetstone has resigned from her post.

Now I shall go to the agency this afternoon, and I shall hire a new nanny.

And you will not drive her away as you have done with Nanny Whetstone and her predecessors.

Papa.

Can't catch me up. That showed them who's boss.

Three days, eight hours and 47 minutes.

So, that got rid of her...

23 hours and 30 minutes quicker than the last one.

I think the turning point was definitely eating the baby. Well done, Eric.

- - Mr. Brown, are you all right?

Perfectly. Yes, I'm perfectly all right.

Evangeline, not to panic you, but could you let Cook know that...

the new nanny has had to leave quite suddenly,

and I'm off to the agency to find a new one?

Good. I'll just--

- Mrs. Partridge. - We're closed!

- Uh, there's been a tiny hiccup-- - We're not here!

No. No, please, let me in. Go away!

Listen, they didn't eat the baby. It was a chicken, actually.

There's no more nannies! You've had the lot!

The person you need is Nanny McPhee.

Is that you, Mrs. Partridge?

The person you need is Nanny McPhee.

Excellent. I need her to start right away. I'm already late for a vital tea dance.

Nanny McPhee is not on our books.

Nanny McPhee is not on anyone's books.

Nanny Whetstone's gone. Oh. There's a surprise.

Hurry it up there. Spuds.

Mr. Brown's gone to the agency.

I said the children will be fine with us. They won't be fine with me.

I won't have them dirty blighters in my kitchen, and that is that.

I have it in writing. In writing!

Well, that's the final straw.

There are no more nannies.

None. All over.

Finished. And I've had to cancel my vital appointment,

- and that's going to cause no end of trouble, I can tell you. - I told them not to.

- It wasn't my idea. - Don't look at me. It's not my fault.

Well, you seem intent on distressing me, so--

Uh, don't do that, darling, please. That's my sore bit.

You seem intent on distressing me, so now I'm going to distress you.

You are to-- to go to bed immediately!

Before supper?

Without supper.

Did he say without supper?

Never mind that.

There's no more nannies.

Poor him and poor them.

Poor them, my Aunt Fanny.

They're the worstest, nastiest, horriblest--

There'll be snow in August before this family's straightened out.

Dear Nanny Whetstone, I'm so very sorry.

My children--

Pull its head! Give it back to her! Give it back now!

My children.

Eric! Eric, that's my teddy!

- Eric, stop doing this! - Give it back!

All right, you lot!

- - Quiet!

You're driving your poor father to distraction.

Stop it!

Lily, what's this word?

Lovingly. "He took her lovingly by the hand."

- What's your book about, Evangeline? - It's about the daughter of a nice man...

who remarries after his wife dies and the stepmother's horrid to her.

Why doesn't the man stop her from being horrid?

Fathers all turn bad once their wives die. They don't care anymore.

Simon, yours does.

No, he doesn't.

Does he read to Chrissie like he used to?

Does he play cricket with us like he used to?

He doesn't even sing "Loola-bye" to Aggy anymore. We hardly see him.

He loves you, Simon, you know that.

He's just had an awful lot on his mind since--

Since Mother died.

You used to be as close as anything.

Not anymore. All he cares about now is getting himself a nice, new wife.

Well...

I don't know if that's true or not, but perhaps it would be nice to have a new mother.

Don't you know anything about the world, Evangeline?

Whoever he marries will be vile and treat us like slaves.

- You don't know that. - Plenty of hard evidence for it.

There isn't one single stepmother in there who is even halfway decent.

They're an evil breed.

Anyway, whoever likes other people's children?

I like you.

Yes, but you're a servant. You're paid to like us.

That doesn't count.

I've got my work to be getting on with.

I really am hungry, Evangeline.

Could you maybe bring me some secret toast and jam?

All right, forget the jam. Just some secret toast.

Shall I plump the cushion on Mrs. Brown's chair?

Only, I know how you like to plump it yourself sometimes.

Oh, no. Th-That's all right. Y-You plump away, Evangeline. Thank you.

I was wondering if I might make Master Sebastian a wee piece of toast?

Yes, I should-- Uh, no. No. Under no circumstances. No.

I could do it secret-like.

No, they'll hear him chewing, and then we're done for.

- No, they get nothing. - Righto, Mr. Brown.

The person you need is Nanny McPhee.

Nanny McPhee.

No supper. Discipline.

That's more like it.

- -

Now, you listen here, you pustular tykes.

You ain't allowed in this kitchen. Not now, not ever! I have it in writing!

Well, dear, the agency has closed its doors.

What am I to do? Aunt Adelaide says--

Your children are out of control, Cedric.

Then there was that thing she said about their needing a female influence.

You know what she's like. She'll-- She'll stop the allowance...

unless I marry again and give them a new mother within the month.

It's a month. I mean, it's unbearable.

But I had to-- I had to promise.

You remember we talked about what would happen without her money?

Bank will take the house.

There'll be debtor's prison for me. Workhouse for the older children.

Goodness only knows what will happen to little Chrissie.

And as for Aggy, it's--

It's unimaginable.

Where are you, you mewling half-bakes?

I'm ready for you, and I'm hard-- Ohh!

- This is fun! - Hey!

- - We got Cook!

The person you need is Nanny McPhee.

- Eric, you're not making another bomb, are you? -

McPhee. McPhee. McPhee.

- -

They're in the kitchen! No, no, no!

- You took them down for toast! - I never did!

- You sent them to bed with no dinner! That's what done it! - Don't tell me--

- -

I'll, um-- Wh-Why don't you--

I'll go. No. I think I'd better deal with this.

You-You, um-- I'll-- I'll be off, then.

Yes, you-- I-I'll just--

Good evening, Mr. Brown. I am Nanny McPhee.

Oh, you're-- Uh, of course.

Good heavens. I-I suppose the agency--

I do not belong to any agency, Mr. Brown. I am a government nanny.

A government nanny. How...

- unusual. - May I come in?

Yes, by all means, do-- do come in.

Hmm.

I understand you have extremely ill-behaved children.

No, no, no. No.

No. Uh, good grief, what a suggestion.

- Playful. -

What are your main concerns? Concerns?

Mm. Do they go to bed when they're told?

Well, no, not-not in-- Uh, no.

Do they get up when they're told? Uh, well, no, not exactly.

Do they get dressed when they're told? Uh, well, now, that's a good question.

Do they say "please" and "thank you"?

In what context?

That will do to be going on with. Your children need me.

Oh, just--just let me go and, uh, make sure everything's in order before I introduce you--

I shall introduce myself.

Please, Mr. Brown, go back to your newspaper.

Oh, look.

The door's open and there's nobody there.

Help! Help me!

I am here. I am Nanny McPhee.

Oh, d-d-d-did somebody speak?

- I didn't hear anything. - That's because nobody is there.

Then listen carefully and try to hear this.

You are to stop what you are doing,