Bored to Death

‫All the shadows in the city

‫used to love you, what a pity

‫I miss the question you used to ask me

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫- Mr. Eaton? ‫- Mr. Ames

‫Sorry I'm late, there was traffic

‫It's great to be here ‫I grew up in New Jersey

‫- Do you know who that is? ‫- Oh that's, um, my colleague

‫He does all the driving

‫Anyways, why don't you tell me ‫what the exact problem is?

‫I appreciate you wanting ‫to be discreet on the phone

‫- I'm being blackmailed ‫- Why? What happened?

‫Well, uh, I've been married 11 years ‫I have 2 little boys, lovely

‫and um, my wife and I...

‫When I was a kid, my... my parents ‫had two separate bedrooms

‫I don't think I ever saw them kiss

‫- Well, that happens a lot ‫- Yeah, well it happened to me

‫So I went on Craig's List

‫I guess I figured it would ‫be all right I had an affair

‫with a married woman ‫if you know what I'm saying

‫Oh my God, this woman's body is ‫beautiful, did you really meet her?

‫Sorry, go on

‫Yeah, we met at uh... at uh, motel ‫one that wants to charge us by the hour

‫Her name was Sophia ‫and she was... I mean she is beautiful

‫I actually thought that ‫she liked me, which is pathetic

‫Hey, don't beat yourself up ‫you were vulnerable

‫I don't know how but she filmed us

‫She sent me a copy and she asked for ‫$1,000 and she would show it to my wife

‫- You paid? ‫- Yeah

‫I maxed out the credit card, and you know ‫I thought the whole thing was over

‫but then, she called again ‫and she wants 500 a month

‫- That is a lot of money ‫- Yeah, I don't have that

‫especially not in this economy ‫you know, I got the 2 kids

‫Your, um... your ad said that your... ‫uh, your rates were reasonable

‫The other detectives ‫were way out of my League

‫I charge $100 a day ‫but I'm good, I'm one of the...

‫- Well, I'm good ‫- I... I can afford that

‫I just... I need you ‫to get that tape back for me

‫The weird thing is I feel closer ‫to my wife than ever

‫- I can't lose her now ‫- I understand

‫Yeah, will you get me ‫a hamburger to go? I'm starving

‫- Ok, cheese? ‫- No cheese

‫All right, no cheese

‫I'll get your tape for you ‫I promise, excuse me

‫Can I get a cheeseburger, no cheese to go?

‫- Hello ladies ‫- Good morning

‫So just wait here under these Ballerinas, ok?

‫Ok, I like ballet

‫- George? ‫- Hey Jonathan dear boy, come in

‫Got your e-mail, came by to pick up ‫the Galley for the new Paul Altshire novel

‫- Oh shit ‫- What's the matter?

‫Uh, there's a party tonight for ‫Gay Talese at the National Arts Club

‫another award, I think he's a great writer

‫but how many of these can I go to in life?

‫I don't know, seems like you go ‫to one almost every night of the week

‫I know, and it's always the same ‫boring people going on 35 years

‫Though some die and some press on ‫I fall on under the press on category

‫- Pressing on is good, pressing on is heroic ‫- Maybe

‫First 25 years or so ‫it all seemed very meaningful

‫Past 10 years, I feel like I'm on autopilot

‫I may not even be talking right now ‫this could be a tape recording

‫- Your Altshire ‫- Oh great

‫I love Paul Altshire ‫I'll write you a good review

‫Yeah, whatever, more importantly, I want ‫you to come with me tonight to the party

‫You can get quotes for the ‫Society Page or something

‫See? I... I don't want ‫to go to a party by myself

‫- Tonight? I'm really sorry but I can't ‫- What? You never say no

‫Don't... don't you need money for the piece?

‫I do but...

‫Since when do you play it ‫so close to the vest?

‫I... I don't like secrets, I'm the only one ‫who gets to have secrets, sit down

‫I... I have another job

‫Oh, you're not writing ‫for Anshom at GQ, are you?

‫No, no, no, no, I would never do that to you ‫do you really want to know the truth?

‫Yes, I do, as long as it's not boring

‫Well... I have a second job ‫as a private detective

‫I haven't wanted to tell you because ‫I thought you'd think it was strange

‫If you're gonna lie, you need ‫to make it more believable

‫Throw in an element of truth ‫that's what I do

‫But I'm not lying ‫I have an ad on Craig's List

‫advertising myself as ‫an unlicensed private detective

‫and tonight, in New Jersey ‫I'm meeting this woman, blackmailer

‫I still don't believe you ‫what kind of blackmailer?

‫She targets married men, we've been ‫e-mailing and texting for the last 24 hours

‫I posed as married to lure her in and tonight ‫I have to get my client's sex tape back

‫- I want to come with you ‫- On my case?

‫Yes, yes, Gay Talese would ‫want me to do something like this

‫I mean, to hell with the boring dinner ‫party, now don't you see Jonathan?

‫This is the kind of journalism ‫that we need in the magazine

‫We'll be, uh, we'll be writers ‫who fight crime, you know

‫We'll give it a big cover story right now ‫blackmailers brought to... no

‫Sextortionist brought down by George ‫Christopher and... and Jonathan Ames

‫Your name could go first if you want ‫I'm just thinking out loud here

‫What do you say?

‫Ray, this is George, my boss ‫he's coming with us

‫Nice to meet you, heard a lot about you

‫Thank you for letting me come on ‫this adventure with you and Jonathan

‫Well I'm... I'm just the driver ‫my girlfriend lent us the car so...

‫- Nice car ‫- Subaru automatic

‫What's a Subaru?

‫Now what's the exact plan? ‫How are we doing this?

‫Well, I'm gonna meet the woman ‫at this motel outside the Lincoln Tunnel

‫She's supposed to get a room ‫and call me, but I'm gonna set her up

‫except we'll be there ‫and we'll follow her home

‫- Then what? ‫- Then the playing gets weak

‫It doesn't, either I'll confront her ‫at her home and ask for the tape back

‫or we'll wait til she leaves again and ‫we'll break in there, grab the thing and see

‫- How... how are we gonna break in? ‫- I'll wait on line

‫There's a spy shop in the village, they have ‫a special Lock picker that opens all doors

‫This is all very insane ‫and illegal, isn't it?

‫- Well... ‫- Yes, it is illegal and insane

‫Good, I like insane, so this is the Subaru?

‫Yeah, try not to make a mess

‫- $700? ‫- Is that a lot?

‫No, I have no idea, I mean, it could ‫be a good deal, nightvision and all

‫Those are, uh, top of the line, yeah ‫very popular at Afghanistan at 3 AM

‫- Howard Baker ‫- Ah, George Christopher

‫Howard, we'll take on ‫charge it to the Magazine

‫- Well, maybe we won't need them ‫- Let me tell you something, Sunday Styles

‫I'd hate to think of a situation ‫where you needed nightvision goggles

‫- and you didn't have nightvision goggles ‫- You know? Maybe he's got a good point

‫I'll take one of these too

‫- What are these? ‫- Oh those are cameras

‫Oh look at that, that's great

‫- Do you have EZ lock? ‫- Yeah, right over here

‫Hello

‫Well, I already thought it was a done ‫deal, well, is he gonna change his mind?

‫Ok, thanks for calling

‫- Is, uh, everything ok? ‫- That was my friend at "Esquire"

‫They're not gonna run the cartoon ‫about me trying to get the lesbians pregnant

‫- That was $5,000 I was gonna get ‫- What happened?

‫The Senior Editors hated it and ‫they're gonna want me to do a revision

‫Hey, I needed that cash bad, God

‫I'm sorry and I know it's not much

‫but I'll give you half of what ‫I make tonight, 50 bucks

‫Good, that's good for half of a colonic

‫- Hey, how much for the Taser? ‫- Uh, I can't sell you that

‫- Oh Howard, come on ‫- George, takes special training

‫and a lot of time, I got ‫to close up in 10 minutes

‫Man, if I get home late, my wife will kill me

‫I mean, I wear the pants but she's ‫got the belt if you know what I mean?

‫Hey, you know something? ‫This pen doesn't work

‫Oh, that's because it's a camera

‫Hah! Look at that! You know, I love this ‫place, I'm gonna do all my shopping here

‫George

‫we've got a Blackmailer to meet

‫- So who's this fella? ‫- That's my girlfriend's kid's toy

‫- It's called Janet ‫- You're gonna coin its name as Janet?

‫Yeah, she likes for her kids ‫to use real names for some reason

‫- Hello ‫- Ray

‫- Yes, this is Ray ‫- Ray?

‫Get us a room and call me ‫when you're inside, I'm almost there

‫- But I thought... ‫- See you soon

‫- Why did you use my name? ‫- It was the first thing that came to mind

‫- I didn't use your last name ‫- So what's going on?

‫She wants me to rent a room ‫and call her from inside

‫So how are you gonna stand her up ‫if you're already in the room?

‫Ok, I'll meet her and ‫then I'll pretend to get cold feet

‫The plan still works ‫we'll tail her when she leaves

‫- Sounds good to me ‫- Ok

‫- Are you ok? ‫- I'm fine

‫She's a blackmailer but looked ‫very small in her picture

‫I fenced in College, I have some moves

‫Maybe we should have gotten the taser

‫No, no, no, I don't ‫need the taser, I'll be ok

‫I'm doing this to save a man's marriage ‫he shouldn't be punished for one mistake

‫- Why not? ‫- Ray

‫Hey, I'll be right here ‫if anything goes wrong

‫- Hello ‫- Hi

‫it's Ray, I'm in Room 6

‫- Great, I'll be right there ‫- Uh, no rush, no rush

‫Not much to see

‫In fact, actually pretty well lit out there

‫Do you... um, do you mind ‫if I smoke pot in here?

‫Not at all

‫- Can I have some? ‫- Do you smoke pot?

‫- Since the '60s ‫- Ok

‫Look, look, here she is

‫- Oh my God, she's a knockout ‫- Let me see, let me see

‫Yeah, yeah, yeah, coming, coming

‫- Can I come in? ‫- Yes, yes, of course

‫- Mind if I smoke? ‫- You know, it's actually a non-smoking room

‫but for some reason, they have an ‫ashtray, sort of sends a mixed message

‫Sit on the bed? Ok

‫You're more attractive ‫than I thought you'd be

‫- I like a man with a big nose ‫- Oh yeah?

‫- Thank you, is it really that big? ‫- In a good way

‫So you're unhappy with your wife?

‫Uh, my wife? I'm not... um ‫oh right, yes, my wife, Suzanne

‫Things haven't been good ‫she thinks I drink too much

‫but it's her father who's the alcoholic...

‫You know maybe this isn't a good idea, I ‫haven't been with another woman since Suzanne

‫I mean, since Suzanne and ‫I started having troubles, you know?

‫And I think I better go ‫but it was really nice to meet you...

‫- Shut up Ray ‫- Oh boy, no

‫I don't understand, there's ‫a cartoon about your sperm?