Central Intelligence

("MY LOVIN" ' BY EN VOGUE PLAYING ON THE RADIO)

(ON RADIO) And now, it's time for a breakdown.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, yeah...

Man, I told you Robbie Wheirdicht showers here during first period.

Why doesn't he just shower at home like a normal person?

Look at him.

Does anything about that look normal to you?

You know, he's actually a pretty good dancer.

I mean, fuck that guy is different!

Let's wreck him.

Hey, Weird Dick! - (ALL LAUGH)

Come on.

Finally, young ladies and young gentlemen,

it is my pleasure to announce that the winner

of the National High School Student of the Year Award

is none other than your very own

two-time student body president,

the captain of Central High's All Valley track team,

president of the drama club

and the senior voted "Most Likely to Succeed."

I gotta tell you folks, after 40 years as an educator,

he is my favorite student.

I wish he were my son

if I were medically able to have children.

He's everybody's favorite all-around guy...

Calvin "The Golden Jet" Joyner! Come on!

(CHANTING) Golden Jet! Golden Jet! Golden Jet!

Oh, my goodness.

Wow! Wow, guys.

Hey! How about a hand for Principal Kent, huh?

Huh?

Honestly, if my mom was into white guys, it would be you.

I know it would, okay?

Well, as we all know, this is our last assembly,

which means this is the last time in front of you guys

that I'll be able to tell the most beautiful girl in the world...

I'm talking about you, Maggie Johnson,

that I love you. I love you, baby. I do.

I'm gonna put it in my pocket.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) - I'll save it.

Okay.

All right, guys. We're seniors now.

And once we get those diplomas,

the decisions that we make after that are all up to us.

I don't know what path life is gonna take me on.

But I can promise you all this...

That I, for one, will push myself

at every stage, at every step.

So, I got one question to ask.

I got one question for the graduating class of 1996

and that's "Will you..."

Check out my Weird Dick!

Hey. Here, here, man.

Thank you.

- (LOCK RATTLES) - (LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES)

Well, there's no coming back from that.

Calvin Joyner, everybody,

voted "Most Likely to Succeed."

(CHANTING) Golden Jet! Golden Jet! Golden Jet!

Yo. Check it.

Oh, come on, man. I don't want to see that.

Oh, no, no, it's my dick.

I know what it is. I don't want to see it.

Hilarious.

No, I'm working on this new sexting app.

It's kind of like Instagram, right?

But, instead of filters,

it just makes your junk look huge.

Like, three to six inches bigger.

It's called "Junk Mail." Clever, right?

- No, and here's why... - Sorry, hang on, one second.

I'm just gonna...

What are you doing?

Okay, and send.

Sorry, you were saying something boring.

You just sent a dick pic.

It's called dating, grandma. Look it up.

Why are you all cranky-pants this morning, huh?

Oh. It's because Ethan got promoted instead of you?

Ethan got promoted?

Youngest senior associate in the history of the firm.

Corner office, the whole deal.

Didn't he used to be your assistant?

Who cares? Hey, you should come to lunch with us.

We're gonna be celebrating his pro-mosh!

It'll probably be good for you to kiss the ring a bit.

"Kiss the ring a bit"?

Hey, you play your chessboard however you like, okay?

Me, lunch today? I'm gonna French kiss that thing.

Aah...

I can't. I'm taking my wife to lunch today, so...

All right. Bummer for you.

Right?

Can you just get out of my face?

#Blessed.

To a guy I not only consider my coworker,

but my personal friend.

- To Ethan! - Cheers!

Do you wanna move tables? I know this kind of sucks.

No, no. It doesn't suck.

Hey, if I wanted to get one of those ice teas

but I want most of it to be bourbon... What is that called?

Okay. How about we change the topic to something a little more fun?

Anything else, please.

Oh, how about...

This is the dress that I'm thinking about wearing.

Oh!

Honey, I want every single girl

to be jealous tomorrow night.

Oh.

What?

I just... I just don't want to go.

Calvin, it's our 20-year high school reunion.

I'm not gonna go without you.

We agreed we were going. I RSVP'd for us.

I just changed my mind. That's all.

Okay. I see.

You're disappointed about the promotion. I get it.

This is not about the promotion.

Okay, this has to do with me not wanting to spend my Friday night

answering the "What are you doing now?" question.

That's what I'll get all night.

"Hey, Calvin, what are you doing now?" "I'm an accountant."

"An accountant? Really?

"I thought you would be the governor, man.

"Wait a minute. Didn't you get voted 'Most Likely to Succeed'?

"I guess we missed that one."

Is this why you've been so weird and moody lately?

'Cause you're freaking out about the reunion?

- No. - And what's the matter

with being an accountant? You love your job.

No, you love your job.

I'm good at my job. It's not the same thing.

Honey, that's not fair.

You're a partner at your firm.

Instead, I work in a building with a giant,

inflatable gorilla out in front of it.

Look, I don't want to be the guy that peaked in high school

and, after he peaked, his life went like this...

I don't know the sound that that thing makes,

but you know what I'm trying to do.

I'm the guy that went down, okay?

- Yeah. - Then my life

down here became a disappointment.

That's what I'll be.

Wow.

What?

I had no idea that your life with me

was such a soundless, crashing disappointment!

- Don't do that. - (IMITATES CRASH)

- That's not... Don't do that. - That's the sound.

You want to know the sound I'm about to make right now?

The sound of me not going.

That's the sound I'm making.

I'm not going.

Yeah.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

No.

Not going to that.

Bob Stone?

Okay.

Hello?

- Hey. - Girl, you scared me.

- I did? - Yes. I thought that you were...

I just... On the...

Never mind. Hey, I'm glad you called.

I'm sorry about lunch today.

I'm an idiot, babe.

I don't even know what's going on with me right now.

- I really don't. - Yeah?

Actually, honey,

that's what I was calling to talk to you about.

Look, honey, I think that we should see someone.

What do you mean, "Someone"? What do you mean?

See someone, like a therapist.

Honey, black people don't go to therapy.

We go to barbershops.

That's where we talk out our problems.

Or we watch the movie Barbershop. One or the other.

Look, my parents were really unhappy

for a long time before they got divorced.

And maybe if they saw someone sooner, they would still be married.

I just want to nip this thing in the bud, whatever it is.

I don't want to end up like my parents.

Wassup?

Please, just do it for me, if not for you.