$#*! My Dad Says

You're not gonna drink anything?

There are two things I will not pay more than $5 for...

Christmas presents and a cup of coffee.

Yet, when I was nine, you got me a cup of coffee

for Christmas.

You know what I got for Christmas when I was nine?

Tetanus.

I think that girl just smiled at me.

So stop staring at her like you're gonna

stick her in a pit in your basement

and go ask her out.

No.

I'm not feeling at my best these days, dad.

I don't want to get rejected.

Henry, let women figure out why they won't sleep with you.

Don't you do it for them.

That's oddly motivating.

Thank you.

Hi. Can I help you?

Yes, um... can I have the bathroom key?

Oh, yeah. Here you go.

Thank you.

Yeah...

The bathroom's over there. Yes, it is.

Um, but guess what.

Uh, false alarm. I don't have to go at all.

You know, it happens sometimes, you know?

It's like you have to go to the bathroom

and then you don't have to go to the bathroom.

Here you go. - Okay.

Anything else?

Uh...No.

I'm just playing back in my head

all the things that went wrong

when I was trying to ask you out.

Oh. That's what this is.

Yes, you know, the old...

Bathroom-key-to-your-heart trick.

I'm Amy.

I'm Henry.

What's taking so long?

I'd have been married and divorced by now.

Who is that?

That's my dad.

I wish he'd pull the trigger.

Usa today.

It's like somebody gave a box of crayons

to a pack of monkeys.

That's what they came up with.

That incredibly hot girl?

She's going out with me. - Great.

What did she need? A kidney or a green card?

Neither.

All I had to do was promise her

that you would take her aunt on a double date.

What?

I didn't ask for that. I didn't want that.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, dad, you almost ready to go?

Yeah. What?

I thought we were going out. Why aren't you getting dressed?

What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

Nothing. Are we gonna drive there

in your forklift or are we taking my car?

This is how people my age dress.

And since when does wearing a fishing vest

count as dressing up?

Well, it's a dressy fishing vest.

All right, just so you know,

I'm doing this for you.

I do not do blind dates.

I am not some single mom looking to get her groove back.

You know, dad, you might like her.

Amy told me her aunt used to be in the Navy.

Oh, great. Some old lady joined the Navy.

Tell me she played college softball,

you might have yourself a new stepmom.

Listen, going on a double date with my father

isn't my idea of a perfect evening either.

Well, then let's not do it.

Let me get out of these uncomfortable clothes

and... and... and relax!

Now.

That's comfortable.

Dad, you have to come.

I promised Amy you'd be there for her aunt.

Promises are like children.

Fun making them. Regret keeping them.

This is important for me.

I'm not sure if you realize this,

but things have been a little slow for me on the dating front

since I moved in with Andy Rooney over here.

How dare you compare me to that smug bastard.

Dad, I really want to go out with this girl.

And she's beautiful.

She's into me.

Will you help me out or not?

- Fine. - All right.

I'll give it the half an hour.

If I don't like her, I'm getting the hell out of there.

Well, that would be the charming thing to do

or we can come up with a code.

That way, if you don't like her, no one gets embarrassed.

That's a great idea. Here's the code.

I get up, I say, "I don't like her,"

and I get the hell out of there.

No, something clever... Like the weather.

How about this? If you like her,

you say, "the weather's good."

If not, it's bad.

Son, I've been dating since chlamydia was a first name.

I don't need some stupid code.

H-e-e-e-e-ere's Bonnie!

I promise you that was more awkward at the grocery store.

What do you guys need? We're on our way out.

Oh, we came by to pick up some baby pictures of Vince.

Yeah, Bonnie wants to hang some up in the house,

you know, so when people come in,

they can see what I used to look like

when I only had a few hairs on my head and those chubby cheeks.

So, pop, why you all dressed up?

Yeah, I haven't seen you in that vest since our wedding.

Henry can't get laid by himself,

so he's dragging me along on a double date.

I get laid by myself all the time.

Let it go.

So, Ed, you have a date, huh?

Who's the lucky...

who's the lady?

Some barnacle-encrusted old sea hag that Henry dredged up.

Hopefully she'll have an eye patch,

so she's only half disappointed.

Why'd you pick this place?

It smells like a Cambodian whorehouse.

Dad, could we tone it down tonight?

Let's not mention whores or Cambodia.

Take away all my icebreakers.

- Gentlemen, what can I get you? - Coffee.

I'll have a vodka tonic.

Oh, you want a little umbrella

and an Oprah magazine with that?

I don't even drink booze and I drink harder stuff than that.

It's not girly.

It's a vodka tonic.

If I can get a splash of cranberry in that, that'd be thumbs-up.

There they are. Amy.

Ooh, hey. Not bad.

Sturdy gait. Got both eyes.

I may stick this out through coffee.

Sorry we're late.

This one drives like a Vietcong motorcycle messenger.

I love a good v.C. Joke.

Marla Brooks.

Ed Goodson.

Coffee and a vodka tonic.

Vodka tonic?

Oh, is that what they served at the sorority house?

It's a vodka and tonic water.

It's a perfectly manly beverage.

You forgot my splash of cranberry in my drink.

I'd apologize for her, but that's probably

the nicest thing she's gonna say all night.

I'm used to it.

My dad usually refers to my t-shirts as camisoles.

Ha!

Oh, my God.

That's quite a laugh.

Yeah, short, loud, and reeks of bourbon.

Just like my ex-husband.

Except my laugh didn't bang the housekeeper.

I love a good housekeeper-banging joke too.

Well, I think what you're wearing is really cute.

Thank you, Amy.

I actually have a camisole like that.

Why do you think it's funny when she says it?

Look at her.

So Henry tells me you were in the Navy.

I was in the Navy too.

U.S.S. Glavin. What about you?

Oh, U.S.S. Ingram.

Ingram?

Didn't know it was big enough to count as a ship.

What'd the Navy do?

Shake it out of a cereal box?

I heard the Glavin was so slow

that the Vietnamese used to call it,

"oc noi trong bien khoi."

You got a mouth on you.

Yeah, play your cards right and it'll be on you.

I like him. - I like her.

Have you seen any baby pictures of me smiling yet?

Nope. Still looking.

Oh, but here's a great picture of your dad and Dom Deluise.

Oh, no, that's my grandmother.

Don't worry. I take after my other grandmother.

Okay.

This is unbelievable.

There's not one baby picture of me smiling.

You know, we can't hang pictures of a sad baby.

Oh, here's a neat picture of your dad and Don Rickles.