Friends

- Ross kissed me. - No!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It was unbelievable!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

We wanna hear everything.

Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone.

- Okay. - Rachel.

Does this end well or do we need to get tissues?

- Oh, it ended very well. - Oh.

Do not start without me! Do not start without me!

Okay. All right. Let's hear about the kiss.

Was it like a soft brush against your lips...

...or was it like a, you know, "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?

Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then...

Oh, God. And then we just sort of sunk into it.

Oh... So, okay, was he holding you? Or were his hands on your back?

No, actually, ahem, first they started out on my waist...

...and then they slid up and then they were in my hair.

- Oh. Oh.

And, uh...

And then I kissed her.

Tongue?

- Yeah. - Cool.

All right, check out this bad boy!

Twelve megabytes of RAM, 500-megabyte hard drive...

...built-in spreadsheet capabilities...

...and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 BPS.

Wow. What are you gonna use it for?

Games and stuff.

There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.

Oh, wait, here's one. Uh...

- Would you be willing to cook naked? - There's an ad for a naked chef?

No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked.

- And then... - Mm.

- Hi. - Hey.

Hey. - Oh, so how'd you make out last night?

That is funny. That is painfully funny.

No, wait, wait.

Yeah, that's just painful.

Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.

Yeah, it was. But I get home, okay...

...and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table...

...and I think, "Oh, my God. What the hell am I doing?"

I mean, here I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman...

...who I care about and who cares about me...

...and am I just gonna throw all that away?

You got all that from saline solution?

Wait a minute. We're talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel.

Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for 10 years.

But now I'm with Julie.

You know? So it's like, me and Julie, me and Rachel.

Me and Julie, me and Rach...

Rachel! Rachel.

- Hey, you. - How are you?

Good. How are you?

- Good. Um... Good.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, Julie. Hi, Julie?

Julie!

Um, how are you?

- Good. Good.

So everybody's here.

Everybody's good.

Were you gonna play something?

- Oh. Well, actually... - Play it!

Oh.

All right.

- Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses. - What?

Shh.

Okay. Um, hi.

Hello. Hi. Okay.

So, um... Ahem.

This is a song, um, about a love triangle...

...between three people I made up.

Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night."

There was a girl We'll call her Betty

And a guy Let's call him Neil

Now I can't stress This point too strongly

This story isn't real

Now our Neil must decide Who will be the girl that he casts aside?

Will Betty be the one Who he loves truly?

Or will it be the one Who we'll call Loolie?

He must decide He must decide

Even though I made him up He must decide

Well, this is a nice résumé.

Nice, nice, nice.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH THEN CHUCKLES]

Uh, Mr. Rastatter, what does this job entail? The ad wasn't clear.

Mockolate.

- I'm sorry? - Mockolate.

It's a synthetic chocolate substitute.

Ooh.

- Well, go ahead, try a piece. - Oh.

Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than chocolate.

- All right. - Ha, ha.

Mm.

Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

I love how it crumbles.

- You see, chocolate doesn't do that. - Ha-ha-ha. No, ma'am.

Anyhoo, we should be getting our FDA approval any day now.

Ha-ha-ha.

- Hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. - Mm.

See, the way we look at it, chocolate dominates...

...your major food-preparation holidays. Easter, Christmas, what have you.

- Mm-hm. - But we think given the right marketing...

...we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.

Wow.

- Aren't you gonna swallow that? - Ha, ha.

- Just waiting for it to stop bubbling. - Oh.

Yeah. Isn't that great?

- Mm. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, anyhoo, um...

...we're looking for chefs who can create Thanksgiving-themed recipes.

You interested?

Abso...

Ahem... . Lutely!

See, I love creating new recipes, I love Thanksgiving, and, well, now...

...I love Mockolate.

- Really? - Mm.

Especially that aftertaste. You know, I tell you...

...that'll last you till Christmas.

How about Mockolate mousse?

It's not...

...very Thanksgiving-y.

Okay, how about Pilgrim Mockolate mousse?

What makes it Pilgrim?

We'll put buckles on it.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey. - Did Ross call?

No, I'm sorry.

Why didn't he call?

He's gonna stay with Julie.

He's gonna stay with her and she'll be:

"Hi, I'm Julie. Ross picked me.

We'll get married and have lots of kids and dig up stuff together!"

No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.

I don't know what I'll do. What am I gonna do? This is like a complete nightmare!

Oh, I know. This must be so hard. "Oh, no! Two women love me!

They're both gorgeous and sexy, my wallet's too small for my 50s...

...and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

- Hey, here's a thought, Ross... - Don't ever touch the computer.

Ross, listen. I got two words for you:

Threesome.

Right, look. Let's get logical about this. We'll make a list.

"Rachel and Julie: Pros and Cons."

- Oh. - Oh.

We'll put their names in bold with different fonts...

...and I can use different colors for each column.

Can't we just use a pen?

No, Amish boy.

Let's start with the cons because they're more fun.

Ha-ha-ha. Rachel first.

I don't know.

I mean...

All right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.

You could say that.

Yeah.

I guess, you know, sometimes she's a little ditzy, you know?

And I've seen her be a little too into her looks.

Uh. Oh, and Julie and I have a lot in common...

...because we're both paleontologists, right?

But Rachel's just a waitress.

Waitress.

Got it. You guys wanna play "Doom"?

Or we could keep doing this.

What else?

I don't know.

Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.

Okay, let's do Julie.

What's wrong with her?

She's not Rachel.

Okay. This is pumpkin pie with a Mockolate crust.

This is Mockolate cranberry cake, and these are Mockolate-chip cookies.

Just like the Indians served.

Oh, my God!

"Oh, my God" good?

Oh, my God! I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.

Oh! Ugh!

Sweet Lord! Oh, this is what evil must taste like!

I'm telling you, this thing won't print.

Yes, I pressed that button, like, 100 times.

You know, for a hotline, you're not so hot.

What is that in the background?

Are you watching Star Trek?

Hey.

So how'd it go with Julie? Did you break her heart?

Yes.

It was horrible. She cried, I cried. She threw things, they hit me.

Mm.

I did the right thing.

So Spock actually hugs his father?

Hey, do you guys have...?

- Hi. - Hi.

Where you going?

I just got back from, uh...

From Julie's.

Oh.

No, no.

Uh, it's not what you think. Um...

It's the other thing.

Well, heh, ahem, what's the other thing? What do I think?