Roseanne

HOW COME DARLENE GETS THREE GOODBYE DINNERS?

YOU'LL GET YOURS NEXT MONTH WHEN THEY TAKE YOU AWAY.

WELL, I JUST FIGURE I BETTER FEED HER GOOD

BEFORE SHE GETS TO COLLEGE AND EATS JUNK.

MOM, YOU DIDN'T FINISH THE CHILI FRIES.

WELL, PUT THEM IN THE FRIDGE.

WE'LL HAVE THEM IN THE MORNING.

THERE'S CAKE IN THE FRIDGE. MAKE MOM GIVE US CAKE.

WOMAN, MY SON HERE WANTS CAKE.

SO DOES YOUR MAN.

I BETTER SEE ME SOME CAKE FETCHING GOING ON HERE.

RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN IT.

DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE.

SON, I JUST LOST CONTROL OF THE HOUSE.

IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.

I... I GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU, ROSEANNE.

YOU'RE HANDLING DARLENE LEAVING PRETTY WELL.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S BEEN KIND OF A REAL...

SPECIAL WEEK, YOU KNOW.

KIND OF COOL.

OH, I'VE GOT SUCH A GREAT THING PLANNED

FOR THE DRIVE UP THERE ON SATURDAY.

WE'RE GOING TO PULL OVER AND HAVE A PICNIC

AND THEN GET TATTOOED.

OH, SHE'S WANTED ONE FOR MONTHS.

I KNOW. WE'RE GOING TO GET

MATCHING MOTHER/DAUGHTER TATTOOS.

SHE'S GOING TO GET ONE THAT SAYS "I LOVE MOM,"

AND I'M GETTING THE SKULL

WITH THE SNAKE COMING OUT OF IT.

I THINK I'M GOING TO CRY.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW IT'S GOING TO AFFECT DAN...

HER LEAVING, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW HOW HE FREAKED OUT WHEN BECKY LEFT.

HIM AND DARLENE,

THEY HAVE THAT SPECIAL BUDDY THING GOING.

SHE'S KIND OF LIKE HIS COOL SON.

UH, MOM, CAN I TALK TO YOU A MINUTE?

I NEED TO ASK YOU A REALLY BIG FAVOR.

LET'S SEE. I LET YOU GO TO ART SCHOOL.

I LET YOUR BOYFRIEND MOVE IN.

OH, YEAH, AND I GAVE YOU LIFE.

YEAH, I GUESS I OWE YOU ONE.

I'LL JUST BE OUT IN THE KITCHEN

UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO STAY.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHERE I'LL BE.

UH, I WAS JUST WONDERING.

CAN DAVID TAKE ME TO SCHOOL INSTEAD OF YOU AND DAD?

UH, WELL, DARLENE, OF COURSE NOT.

I THOUGHT IF HE TOOK ME,

HE'D FEEL LIKE HE WAS STILL A PART OF MY LIFE.

BEING AS YOU'RE SUCH A MAJORLY COOL MOM,

A MOM LIKE NO MOM, HEAD MOM, MY MAIN MOM...

WELL, UH, YOU KNOW,

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO YOUR FATHER, DARLENE.

ASK HIM.

ASK ME WHAT?

I WAS JUST WONDERING IF IT WOULD BE O.K.

IF DAVID TOOK ME UP TO SCHOOL INSTEAD OF YOU GUYS.

OH, WHAT'D YOUR MOM SAY?

WELL, I'M O.K. WITH IT, BUT HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT, DAN?

SURE, WHAT THE HELL?

WHO WANTS CAKE?

THANKS, DAD. YOU'RE THE BEST.

SORRY ABOUT THOSE TEEN YEARS.

UM, DAN, ARE YOU REALLY SURE, YOU KNOW?

I KNOW YOU WERE PRETTY PSYCHED ABOUT THIS.

I'LL SEE HER NEXT WEEK.

I MEAN, BUT YOU HAD THE WHOLE DAY PLANNED.

I'LL GET DRUNK AND WATCH THE BEARS GAME INSTEAD.

I'M FLEXIBLE.

GOD, I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THIS, DAN.

YOUR DAUGHTER WALKS ALL OVER YOUR FEELINGS,

AND YOU PRETEND LIKE IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU.

EVERYONE CAN SEE HOW UPSET YOU ARE.

YOU HIDE ALL YOUR FEELINGS IN THIS STUPID CAKE.

NOW YOU'VE RUINED DESSERT!

I DIDN'T THINK I'D TAKE IT THAT HARD.

HEY, HOW AM I FEELING TODAY?

AW, IT SUCKS, DAN.

HOW COME SHE WON'T LET ME DRIVE HER TO SCHOOL?

SHE'S ALMOST 17.

OF COURSE SHE'D RATHER GO WITH HER BOYFRIEND.

WELL, SHE'S NOT EVEN UPSET ABOUT LEAVING ME.

IF YOU'RE THIS UPSET ABOUT IT,

TELL HER YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL WITH IT,

BUT NOW YOU'RE NOT.

I CAN'T DO THAT, DAN.

I CAN'T BECOME QUEEN GEEK NOW.

WELL, THEN YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT.

BUT YOU COULD BECOME QUEEN GEEK, THOUGH.

I DON'T WANT TO BE QUEEN GEEK.

I CAN'T TELL HER I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS.

YOU COULD.

YOU SAID DAVID COULD TAKE HER.

I KNOW, BUT SO WHAT?

YOU COULD FORBID ME TO DO THAT.

IN WHAT UNIVERSE?

PLEASE, DAN. PLEASE. FORBID ME.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE.

OH, YOU DID NOT.

MOM, I'M HOME FROM SOCCER PRACTICE.

DO YOU SMELL?

YES.

THEN TAKE A BATH.

THEY'RE ALL JUST GOING TO

DESERT US ANYWAY, DAN.

YOU KNOW WHERE WE WENT WRONG?

WE NAMED THEM.

THAT'S WHEN YOU GET ALL ATTACHED.

I KNOW, HONEY.

IT'S HARD FOR ME, TOO,

BUT KIDS GROW UP AND LEAVE.

THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.

I'M STUCK.

HERE. I'LL HELP YOU, SON.

NO, NO, NO. WAIT.

WHAT'S THIS?

YOU COULD TAKE ME UP TO SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.

YOU COULD KEEP MY CAR WHILE I'M GONE

AND COME VISIT ME WHENEVER YOU WANTED.

DARLENE, SIT DOWN.

WHAT IS IT?

I WAS THINKING.

MAYBE WE SHOULD GET ENGAGED.

ENGAGED?

YEAH.

DAVID, ARE YOU ASKING ME TO MARRY YOU?

ALL RIGHT.

DAVID, THIS IS SO... STUPID.

THINGS MIGHT BE BETTER.

YOUR MOTHER MIGHT EVEN LET US STAY IN THE SAME ROOM.

YOU'RE NOT CHANGING MY MIND.

I'M STILL LEAVING FOR SCHOOL.

WELL, THEN I'M NOT TAKING YOU.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I'VE GOT A DATE.

YOU'VE GOT A DATE?

A MINUTE AGO WE WERE ENGAGED.

O.K. I DON'T HAVE A DATE.

IF YOU GO TO SCHOOL, I'M GOING TO BE SEEING OTHER PEOPLE.

YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH ME?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S LEAVING ME,

SO YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BREAKING US UP.

OH, GO TO HELL.

NO, YOU GO TO HELL.

I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO TAKE ME ANYWAY.

FINE!

GOD, I HATE YOU!

I REALLY THINKS SHE NEEDS TO BE ALONE NOW.

I REALLY THINKS SHE NEEDS A RIDE ON SATURDAY.

O.K., BUT NO GLOATING.

OH, DARLENE.

I JUST HEARD WHAT HAPPENED.

YOU KNOW, I'M GOING THROUGH THIS HUGE THING,

AND ALL HE'S THINKING ABOUT IS WHAT HE WANTS.

WELL, THAT'S MEN FOR YOU, BUT LISTEN.

WE'LL TALK THIS ALL OUT ON OUR DRIVE UP THERE ON SATURDAY.

I'M NOT WAITING TILL SATURDAY.

I'M LEAVING TOMORROW.

I WANT TO GET FAR AWAY.

WELL, YEAH, SO DO I,

BUT I CAN'T GET TIME OFF WORK TILL SATURDAY,

AND I KIND OF WANT TO TAKE YOU UP THERE.

I DON'T CARE. I NEVER WANTED YOU TO TAKE ME.

I JUST WANT TO GET AWAY FROM DAVID AND YOU.

I HATE THIS WHOLE DAMN HOUSE!

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, O.K.?

I GOT TO GET SOMETHING OUT OF THE CAR.

HONEY...

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I WANT?

I WANT YOU TO APOLOGIZE.

I WANT YOU TO TELL YOUR MOTHER

THAT YOU WANT HER TO TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL.

NO.

WHY NOT?

SHE'S GOING TO GO PSYCHOTIC WHEN SHE GETS THERE

AND SEES I HAVE MY OWN LIFE NOW.

SHE'LL RAG ON EVERYTHING... MY SCHOOL, APARTMENT...

YES, YES, SHE ABSOLUTELY WILL.

AND EVERY TIME SHE SLAMS YOU,

YOU'LL KNOW SHE'S SUFFERING.

THE ONLY WAY YOUR MOTHER CAN DEAL WITH PAIN

IS TO SPREAD IT AROUND.

WHY CAN'T SHE JUST TAKE IT OUT ON SOMEONE ELSE?

DON'T WORRY. SHE WILL.

SHE'S GOING TO RUIN THIS FOR ME.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY BIG DAY, NOT HERS.

DARLENE, DARLENE, DARLENE,

WHERE DID YOU GET A STUPID IDEA LIKE THAT?

LOOK, HONEY...

DON'T GO TO YOUR MOM JUST BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO.

GO TO HER BECAUSE SHE'S YOUR MOTHER

AND BECAUSE SHE'S HURTING...

AND BECAUSE SHE'S GOT TOO MUCH PRIDE

TO SHOW YOU HER FEELINGS.

WELL, THAT'S IT.

WE'RE GOING TO TAKE YOU UP THERE ON SATURDAY,