Tales from the Crypt

Before I get to tonight's terror tale...

I'd like to introduce you to my pet, Peeves.

He has a terror tale of his own.

Tonight's skin-pimpling story...

is about a couple with their own pet peeves.

I call this chunk of chilling charnel chatter:

"Collection Completed. "

It's almost time. Everybody stay in the kitchen now, okay?

He's gonna be so surprised.

He's here!

Everybody be quiet now.

Welcome home...

Oh, you poor little thing.

What's your name?

Mew Mew?

I'll just bring you inside.

Yes, we will.

You shut the door right on my face.

Jonas, you're home!

We've been so excited all day waiting for you to get here.

Here, let me take those for you. You just relax.

No, I got it. It's okay.

No, you've had a hard day. Come on. Let me...

I've got it!

How did that thing get in here?

Here, let me help you up.

Here, I'll put your things away for you.

Oh, look at this!

My, that is beautiful. What is it?

That's 47 goddamn years. That's what that is.

Forty-seven years, Suntime hand tools...

six days a week, 52 weeks a year. Look at that thing.

Some thanks. Can't even tell time with it.

I think it's beautiful. You should be proud.

Proud? Sure, real proud.

Proud to be put out to pasture.

Day I hit 65, I'm out of there.

Never mind I'm 17-year regional sales leader.

Never mind, just throw the old duff away.

I'm sure they'll miss you.

Anyway, you've done enough for them. This is your time now.

So let's start right now.

You come sit over here...

because we have a surprise for you.

Who's we? You didn't! Now you know I hate that.

Goddamn your cats to hell!

What do I have to do? Search my own cotton-picking chairs...

every goddamn time I wanna sit down under my own roof?

Is that what I have to do?

I don't know how it got there!

The cats know that that is your chair.

They would never...

I'll just throw it away.

You can throw away that new cat while you're about it, too.

- He's my new friend. - You get rid of him now...

'cause as of tomorrow you won't be lonely anymore.

You won't be needing any animals. I'm gonna be home all day...

right here in the goddamn halls I've worked for all my goddamn life.

Right here sharing our golden years together.

Finally, I'm gonna get some time for you, Anita.

But now I got to hit the sack.

But the party!

Too tired.

I'm so sorry, but Daddy's called the party off.

Oh, my God!

Anita, what have you done? You've turned off the alarm!

- I'm gonna be late. - Late for what?

I gotta get started, but you can sleep as long as you like.

Good morning, sunshine.

That's not such a bad idea.

Stay in bed as long as feel like it.

I can get up whenever I want.

I can't stand it.

- Excuse me. - That's all right, you can come in.

What's the matter with you?

You look like a mad dog foaming at the mouth.

- What are you doing? - I'm going to take my bath.

Now? Bath? In the morning?

Of course. It's okay. I don't mind if you're here.

Couldn't you take it later?

I always take my bath at this time.

Goddamn it all, you had to make me say it, don't you?

I have to sit down. All right?

I'm embarrassed now, and now I'd like a moment or two of privacy, please.

I'm sorry. You go ahead. I'll leave.

Eat your breakfast.

You're just jealous.

There you are.

The golden years.

Retirement. My first free weekday since I was 17.

Why don't you just take the day and do nothing? Just relax.

You could pass out in your chair with the TV on.

Damn it, I don't wanna watch TV. I'm a productive citizen.

I got mandatory retirement. Mandatory.

But I thought you liked to pass out with the TV on.

I was working then. I had a right to pass out.

So do a little work and then pass out.

Gabby!

Here's your breakfast, honey.

What the goddamn hell is going on?

Are you running some kind of luxury resort...

for every flea-bitten parasite that trips across my doorstep?

What's that dog eating? A steak?

These are my friends.

Must be costing a fortune.

I can't believe I worked 47 years...

just to shell out for every mangy cat and dog...

that's hungry enough to be your friend just because you feed it!

They keep me company. They're all I've got.

Now what the hell is that supposed to mean?

All right, so I've been a little busy the last 47 years.

I just didn't have time to sit and gab with you night and day.

I had a living to earn.

Now, now.

It isn't that important. Just eat your breakfast.

Beat it, you freeloader!

Get away from my counter, damn you!

Anyone down here? Jonas?

- Jonas, it's me, Roy. - Oh, great.

Hey, Roy, buddy. How you doing, neighbor?

Anita tells me you retired.

I saw your car outside and it had me going for a while.

I figured either you're sick, which I've never seen you get...

or your car broke down. One or the other.

Retirement just never occurred to me.

Sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking about this.

Better run to the newspapers. Inquiring minds will want to know.

Say, now that you've got plenty of time on your hands...

I thought you might like to try one of these.

Terrific, Roy. Really terrific.

But I've got real work to do, Roy.

Pruning.

It's like a jungle out there.

There's no shortage of things to be done around this place.

That's just fine. I'd go nuts with nothing to do.

I'm not gonna be one of those geezers...

that just sits on the porch waving at cars.

To each his own, I always say.

Look who's back.

Hey, beat it, you mangy mutt!

God, bold as brass tacks.

I tell you, I'm worried about Anita, Roy.

She's obsessed with animals.

I don't like to air our dirty laundry out.

I think she needs some help.

By the way, I'd appreciate it if you didn't spread that around.

She's been that way since anybody in the neighborhood could remember.

It's funny you wouldn't know. I've seen her sitting on the green...

with a squirrel perched right on the top of her head.

- And it was like she was talking to him. - Squirrels?

God, that's disgusting. Tree rats, that's all they are.

And birds. You should see her with the birds.

It's not healthy, Roy. It's driving me crazy.

You shouldn't let all of these things bother you so much.

Retirement takes some adjustment.

Maybe you ought to try that model plane I brought you.

Or if you don't like it, you can find yourself another hobby.