Weeds

Previously on Weeds...

Shane, what the fuck happened at the party?

I killed Pilar with a croquet mallet by the pool.

Hello?

Andy? Silas?

My child murdered someone.

I have to leave town now.

So, what's the destination, boss?

North.

Step one... kill your old identity.

Step two... establishing new identities.

I'll be Mike. Shawn.

Nathalie.

I'll be Randy Newman. Ha!

Well, you all seem to have quite a lot of experience

in the hospitality industry.

Dishwasher. Bellhop. Maid.

Yippity-ki-yay, motherfucker.

You know where I could score some weed around here?

You're shit out of luck on that one, man.

Nigel the valet used to supply, but he's on strike.

I'm really good at moving product.

I could be your biggest customer.

Kish? Ah.

She's cute.

How old is she?

He is 5.

Ohh.

You got cash?

So, your trimmings, you just... you throw them away?

I'll take 'em.

I'm thinking $100 buys me a lot of trimmings.

I thought the Newmans were doing things differently.

We are.

We're making hash.

I don't know where they went!

Bullshit!

I was having a really good day.

I won $10 on a scratcher.

Ohh, a day can turn so fast.

You're their close friend.

They don't tell me anything.

The Botwins are selfish assholes.

Cut off one of his balls.

No! That's horrible! Don't do that!

I don't want to touch his balls.

Fine. I'll do it.

That's kind of weird, Cesar.

If I knew they were gone,

would I come here with a large bucket of chicken?

I wanted to hang out,

maybe watch that crispin glover movie

with the retarded people.

But, no, you shove a gun in my face

and then dunk my head in the fish,

and Edward James Olmos over here

wants to slice my nutsack!

I know nothing!

Okay.

Kill him.

Wait. What just happened?

You won. We believe you. Congratulations.

Winning is supposed to feel good.

No, no, no. I can help. I can help.

Hey! Hey! Fuck! It's just my phone!

I got Andy's cell on here. Look.

"Andy Buttwank."

I just, you know...

It's just a fun thing I like to do with the names.

It's ringing.

Hello?

Andy?

Buddy.

Where are you?

I'm sittin' in a world of shit, brother.

You?

How 'bout I come see you?

Sure.

I caught a cat yesterday.

That sounds awesome.

Where are you?

A fucking alley in Seattle.

Wow. That's far.

What's it called?

Okay. I'll see you there.

Yeah, he's good.

What the fuck?!

I know where he is.

I'm not gonna tell you.

And if you torture me again, I'm just gonna lie.

So you have to keep me alive so I can lead you to him.

Pinche puto.

Really?

That worked?

Get in the fucking car.

What's with the spread?

Silas bought food with the money he made

sucking off an old man.

What?

Hotel guest.

Big tipper. Bad eyesight.

I read to him...

In my underwear.

I didn't touch him.

See?

He just... Read to him...

In his...Underwear.

And the guy tipped him.

Croquettes. Taste.

Yummy.

Yeah? How yummy? Like from 1 to 10.

I need a 10, Nance. Nathalie. Nat.

I need a 10, Nat.

It's not really a breakfast food.

I bet Avi wants some.

Avi does not eat solid food yet.

I realize that, Shane.

I better get him inside.

I'll take him.

No. I'm in charge of Avi.

You guys are a bad influence.

What?

You don't mean me. I'm a paragon.

How am I not a good influence?

You yank wieners for cash.

I need to find a girl to have sex with.

Smart move. Go. Cleanse.

I am his mother, Shane.

Your job right now is to be a maid

and to keep your husband from finding us.

My job is to protect Avi.

Let's do our jobs.

You're this close to being grounded.

You're not a bad influence because you're a drug dealer.

That's right.

You're a bad influence because you're a bad drug dealer.

Okay, that's it. You're grounded.

Do you want to be grounded, too?!

I happen to have been a great drug dealer.

No.

Really, if we look back on your illustrious career,

"great" is not the adjective that pops out at you.

I had my moments.

Sure. Sure you have.

Try not to get arrested today, okay?

Best steakhouse in the whole northwest.

6:30 res. You're gonna love it.

And get the bone-in filet.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Best steak in the whole northwest?

Mmm. You're making me hungry.

Yeah, well, it's horse meat,

but they kick me back 20 bucks a head, so...

How do I apply for your job?

Fuck you.

I haven't paid for a meal, a concert,

a slurp job from a titty dancer

in my two years as head concierge.

Pry this gig out of my cold, dead asshole.

Is that where you keep it?

What do you want?

Guests have been asking

where they can get certain herbal items.

Bullshit. No one talks to maids.

People don't want to actually know

who makes their toilet pubes disappear

while they're at the space needle.

I know Nigel the valet is on strike.

What, are you looking to park cars?

Yeah. You found me out.

My true dream is to park rental cars

and hand out bottles of water.

The maid gig... it's just a... A stepping-stone.

20% of sales, and I'm gonna need to sample your product.

It's good stuff.

Well, you're a white lady with no accent

working as a maid in 2010.

I'm just gonna take your word for it?

I'll bring you a sample.

Thank you.

Oh, chef?

Ah! Estelle, meine liebling.

I hope the meal was satisfactory.

Well, I have to be honest. The appetizer was, eh...

But the real standout was the amuse bouche.

I could have eaten 12 of those.

So, good work!

Good for you.

Ah, this is a puzzle.

I did not make an amuse bouche today,

and yet she could have eaten 12.

Mr. Dishwasher?

Did you whip up a little something?

It's all right.

You can tell me. People seemed to like it.

Okay.

Yeah. That was me.

I tried to tell you before, chef.

My talents are really wasted on...