Impastor

Some mornings you wake up asking the big questions.

Who am I?

Why am I here?

What the hell did I do last night?

Oh, right.

Shishkaboobs...

North Judson's finest Lebanese-owned

gentlemen's club.

Buddy? A box came for you.

- Can we open it? - Sure.

Who's it from?

You. You shipped it from Florida.

Oh.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. This is fabulous.

I had no idea you had such flair.

I have always wanted to see the Yucatan Peninsula.

- Can I borrow this? - Sure.

Dora, I'm gonna need that back.

You're not in any of these pictures.

Yeah, that's because I'm the one taking them.

Well, who is this guy?

'Cause he sure is in a lot of them.

Yeah.

Just a friend.

Must be a good friend,

'cause you lent him your gorgeous, gorgeous jacket.

But not as good a friend as you,

'cause I'm giving you the jacket.

Buddy, I am not given to dramatics,

but this is literally the greatest gift

anyone has ever given anyone... ever.

Well, you're welcome.

Now, uh, I'll just go upstairs

and take a trip down memory lane.

Whew. Dodged a bullet there.

You can learn a lot about a dead man

by going through his stuff.

One thing about Jonathan Barlow...

Dude sure was organized.

Passport in jacket.

Shit. Russell.

Hey, Buddy, got a minute?

Uh, not really.

Heading back to Shishkaboobs?

- What's that? - My friend's a bartender there.

Interesting place for a gay pastor to be...

or any gay man.

Well, I just go there for the hummus.

Oh. Does it come with a side of lap dance?

I did get a lap dance,

but only

to get the lost soul's undivided attention

so I can bring her back to Jesus.

So you're going to titty bars on behalf of the Lord?

Yes.

But we should probably keep that between us.

No need for everyone to know all the good I'm doing.

Buddy, if you're interested in women,

you don't need to drive to North Judson.

Good to know.

It's all in the release.

- What's going on here? - Oh.

Hi, Hilva.

Actually, I asked Alden if he would teach me archery.

'cause, see, my niece is really into Katniss

from The Hunger Games,

and I'm trying to be the cool aunt.

I regret asking.

And you are amenable to this?

Well, I've always wanted to mentor someone

in the fine art of archery.

And as you know, neither of our daughters

- was an enthusiastic student. - Mm.

Because you berated them.

Do you need anything before I go?

That coffee smells delicious.

It is.

Would you like to give it a try?

Yes.

Let the games begin.

All right.

Remember, pull the arrow back slowly.

Mm-hmm.

Keep your eye on the target...

until it's nice and tight.

And then... release!

Aah! Oh, my gosh. I did it!

Well, that's amazing. You're a... you're a natural.

Or maybe I just have a really great teacher.

Hey, there's no maybe about it.

If Russell saw Barlow's passport,

it would be all over for me.

Do you know this guy?

Buddy?

Ah, hey, Russell.

To what do I owe this surprise?

Well, I just... I thought we could hang out.

The two of us don't spend enough time together.

I so agree.

You want to get a drink at the Junction

or maybe a steam at the 18-Hour Fitness?

Oh, we don't need to go out.

I'd rather go in.

Uh, all right.

All right...

let me just set these down and make us some drinks.

White wine spritzer sound good?

Yeah.

And you know what? I'm kind of hungry.

Can you make me, uh...

an omelet?

Sure. What do you want in it?

Everything.

Take your time.

All right. Calm down.

You're prepared for this.

Oh, no, no, no.

Come on, where is it?

Buddy, let's talk mushrooms.

I've got cremini, porcini, portobello.

Oh, we're in here.

A toast...

to what is happening maybe.

Yeah. Hey, that jacket I gave you... where is it?

Oh, fiddles. I gave it to Mrs. Lutz.

You gave it away?

No, never. Mrs. Lutz is my seamstress.

- The arms were too short. - Oh.

I have very long limbs.

Ooh.

So... still want that omelet?

I'm sorry. I got to go.

How about a frittata?

So what are we doing here?

Well, I thought for our second, uh, date,

if you will,

it would be nice to do something

I haven't done for a long, long time.

Dance. Will you join me?

- Ooh, you got some moves. - You think so?

You electrify me.

- You're buzzing. - I know.

It's because of you.

No. I mean your phone.

Oh!

Oh, God.

It's nothing important.

I had cased Mrs. Lutz's place

and decided that the safest way

to get Barlow's passport back...

Was to break in while the old bat was sleeping.

Freeze, asshole.

Move, and you're dead.

What do you want?

Did you come here to have your way

with a poor, defenseless woman?

You sure?

Take your ski mask off...

nice and slow.

Aah!

You'll be back!

Pervert!

Oh, why are we starting so early?

Time to take this to the next level...

Moving targets.

Ooh, that sounds like fun.

What are we going to do... Shoot some skeet?

Pheasant.

Pheasant?

Yeah, early morning's the best time to bag them.

That's when they leave their nest

to find food for their hatchlings.

Are you crazy?

I am not going to shoot some little birdie's mommy.

Then what's your game... Rabbit, deer?

I don't think you're ready for a bear yet.

No, I don't... I don't... I don't want to shoot any living thing.

I just... I just wanted to impress my niece.

Wha... I thought you wanted to be a warrior

like this, uh, Katnip.

Katniss.

And she only kills because she has to,

not for sport.

Yeah, but she does kill,

because when the time comes,