Death at a Funeral

Would you like to see before, you know...

Yeah.

Brian? Who's this?

You know, I asked myself the same thing when my dad passed.

I said, "Who is this man?"

No, no, Brian. Who's this in the coffin?

- Because that's not my father. - Are you sure?

Are you asking me if I'm sure I know what my father looks like?

No, people make mistakes in a time of grief, Aaron.

Look at the damn body, man.

Oh, shit.

- You got Jackie Chan in there! - Okay, listen...

Come on, Brian. You know what my father looks like.

We are very scattered today.

This type of thing almost never happens.

- Almost never happens? - I said that out loud?

It's not Burger King. You can't just mess up my order.

Please, just calm down. I think I know where he is.

You think?

If my dad's not in this coffin in one hour, then you have to take his place.

- You got it? - Don't worry. I'll get him back.

I promise that. He's in one of two places. I think it's the second place.

Listen, okay, guys? Let's pack this up. Close this.

Let's go, let's get out of here.

Wait a minute, before we move... Okay. Did I give you my keys?

No. They in the car. I left the damn keys in the car.

Let's go, guys. I think it's on.

If you're so antsy about being here, why'd you come out in the first place?

- You know why. - I hate funerals.

All about death, death, death.

I don't think funerals are designed for anybody to like, Norman.

I suppose.

I don't want a regular funeral when it's my time to go, you know.

I want my life celebrated.

Like Anna Nicole Smith, Richard Nixon, somebody big and powerful.

I want mine to be the saddest day ever.

Stock market should crash, factories shut down,

girls crying in the streets.

That kind of thing. An eclipse would be nice.

- Come on. - What?

You still smoking after all of those warnings and stuff out there?

No, Norman, stop, all right. You used to smoke.

We used to smoke together.

I used to piss my pants and then I stopped.

I got my own problems to worry about without worrying about your damn smoking.

Come on, Norman. What problems you got, man?

- I told you! My rash! - Got to use condoms, papa.

- On my hand, dude. - You still have to use a condom, Norman.

That's the first line of defence.

This shit ain't normal. Look at it.

- Fuck. That ain't a rash, man. - What you think it is?

I don't know, but it's very splotchy.

Splotchy? I hate splotchy. I'm gonna pass away, I'm gonna die!

- Nah. - And I'm so damn young!

They brought the wrong body.

Honey, did you hear me? They brought the wrong body.

Oh, my God! Well, do they know where he is?

They think so.

I told you. I told you not to use the Marshalls,

but, no, you wanted to keep it all in the neighbourhood.

Don't rub it in, not today. I got too much to worry about.

Dad insisted on having his funeral at home, so now I just can't escape it.

Death is everywhere.

Baby, no. No, it's not.

Mom won't stop crying.

- Ryan hasn't helped out. - Not like he ever does.

Plus on top of that, I got to worry about this whole eulogy thing.

I am sure it'll be the best eulogy anybody's ever heard.

Doesn't matter.

All anybody's gonna be thinking is, "Why isn't Ryan doing the eulogy?

"Step aside and let the writer say a few words."

Even I'm gonna be thinking it.

Why don't you just let him do it then?

So, now you want Ryan to do the eulogy?

No. I'm just saying...

You're just saying that you wanna hear Ryan's eulogy.

No. You're the oldest, so...

So, the only reason I should do it is because I'm old.

Aaron, calm down.

I think that you are every bit as good a writer as your brother.

I just think that you need to let someone actually read your book.

It's not ready yet.

Okay, fine. But don't forget, we close on the house next week.

- I know. - I mean, I love your mom,

but I am so ready to move.

I know, honey, but we just got to get through today, okay?

Exactly.

I know this is rough.

But it's the last day of my cycle.

And I'm 37 years old, so we need to try to,

you know, we need to do it, at least once today, okay?

- Babe. - Yeah?

You're gonna have to switch that cycle down to low for now, just for now.

Can we at least find the body first?

- Are you okay? - Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, I'm a... I'm a little nervous.

Why, because you're gonna see my dad again?

I just don't think I've ever been so openly hated by anyone before.

Even my seventh graders aren't that mean.

I think he's gonna be more concerned today that his brother just died than be...

- Babe. - I'm sorry, baby. It's the traffic.

Right. Anyway, when I tell him that we're getting married,

he's just gonna have to accept you. I...

- Jesus! Are you okay? - Oh, my God.

- You asshole! - Fuck you, bitch.

Oh, yeah, flip me off. Can't you see there's a traffic jam?

You poke your eye out, your father's gonna kill me.

- Oscar, baby. - Yes.

- Look at me. - Okay.

- Relax. Okay? - All right.

Everything is fine. Okay? Breathe.

Okay.

- Better? - Better.

Oh, good. It's okay.

Fuck you!

I think you'll find that everything is in perfect order.

Oh, so, now you wanna be professional.

You got your keys? You got your BlackBerry?

Because once we bury him, we not gonna dig him back up

just so you can tweet.

Look, I'm trying, okay?

Hey, how is your mother holding up, Aaron?

She's fine. She's in great health.

- There's no more business here. - Good.

What about your Uncle Russell? He wasn't doing that well.

- How's he doing? - Bye.

Okay, I'm just asking. It's conversation, that's all.

I'm here if you need me, you know that. Thank you for everything.

- Michelle, come here. - Bye, Brian.

You don't have to come.

I'm just saying, everybody knows that the Colonel stole that recipe

for fried chicken from a slave named Jubalai.

Now, I give him credit for the coleslaw, but that's it.

Hey, buddy! How you doing?

I need a favour. I need you to pick up Uncle Russell.

Yeah, I know it's a hassle, but you're the closest.

- Damn! He's always in a bad mood. - Just say you'll do it. We'll do it.

It's not a mood if he's always in it. It's his personality. Can you do it?

All right, I'll do it.

Hey, Mama. How you holding up?

There were so many things we wanted to do still.

Travel. We were going to Australia and China.

He wanted to go to Thailand.

Oh, come on, Ma, you're not gonna fly 25 hours.

That's not the point. I haven't been feeling well.

Who knows how long I'm gonna live without him?

It might make a difference if I had a grandchild

who could take my mind off of everything, but...

- Oh, well. - Cynthia, we are trying.

I know what you're trying to do, Michelle, all hours of the day and night, trying.

But it doesn't seem to be working, now does it?

- Where's Ryan? Have you talked to him yet? - He should be here soon.

Just to see his face would make me feel so much better.

Oh, I have missed him so much. My baby.

Do you need me to do something, Cynthia?

You could take your hand off my husband's coffin.

You are leaving a smudge mark.

Is she shooting us the finger? Or is she just waving?

That's nice, ladies! Thank you!

- There he is. - What?

- He's okay. - He's gonna need assistance?

He's just grumpy.

You got to know how to handle him.

Oh, he looks kind of sweet.

- Hi, Uncle Russell! - Hi, Uncle Russell!

You remember me? I'm Norman.

I came to pick you up and take you to the funeral.

Where the fuck you been, you fat bastard? You took any longer, I'd be dead, too!

Shit, good thing you know how to handle him.

Would you like to ride shotgun?

Stop the game, all right?

...take this missile in your ass.

- Listen. - Yes, the pills. I have them.

- They're right here. - All right, cool. Can I come and get them?

- I have a funeral to go to. Shit! - Whatever. Man, I'll come over there.

- Fuck. - Did you try them?

No, no, I'm not gonna try them. I made them.

But they're good, right? The stuff's good?

I got to go. Never get high on your own supply.

And, dude, this shit's gonna blow your mind, I guarantee it.

You'll love it. All right, got to go. Bye.

Do you always open the door half naked?

Come on, Jeff, we're gonna be late.

All I got to do is just put some pants on.

And this is my house, so... You all right, man?

- He's fine. He's just freaking out. - Is he okay?

- A car almost ran into us, and I was yelling. - And this guy just jumped right in our lane.

- I didn't see him. - He did, he totally did.

- I'm sorry, baby, I... - No, baby, it's fine. It's fine, okay?

You guys are funny. Hey, what do you think?

- Yes, no? - No.

- Go put on your pants, please. - All right.

And make sure they're black, Jeffrey!

Okay, Mom.

- I'm so hungry. - God, my heart is racing.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Oh, here. Take this one. It'll calm you down. Jeff won't mind.

What do you mean, take one of those? What is that?

It's Valium. I used to take it all the time. It's gonna make you feel better, I promise.

- Valium, are you sure? - Yeah.