Bored to Death

I never had the guts to try out for "The New Yorker" before,

but now I'm ready.

Is this magazine still around?

Of course. Anyway, I think I can win this contest.

I'm going to turn my cases into stories,

but I need to come up with a heroic alter ego.

- Like you did with super Ray. - I have a new alter alter ego:

- Kevin Bacon. - What do you mean Kevin Bacon?

He emailed me this morning. Somehow he saw "the birth of super Ray."

He wants to meet tonight. He thinks he can option it for like $10,000.

My God, this is huge! He wants to play super Ray?

Yes. He thinks it can finally be his big franchise character.

Kind of like a drunken Batman with a big cock.

This is amazing. I love Kevin Bacon.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, it's George. I've got to grab this real quick.

I'm gonna get some more iced coffee. It's free refills.

- Hello, George? - Hey, Jonathan.

I'm just calling to confirm... 8:30, your class, right?

Yes, and you can talk about whatever you want.

It... you know, writing related.

Oh, I'm gonna give a good talk, I promise. I'm feeling very inspired.

I just wrote what might be my best column ever.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh hey, gotta go. I got another call coming in.

- Hello? - Hello.

- Hello, who's this? - Hello, George?

George?

Thank you.

Oh my God, you just spilled coffee on my baby!

I'm so... I'm so sorry! It's iced coffee. It's just iced coffee.

- Oh my God, this is terrible. - I think you should call the police.

Are you crazy? It's just iced coffee.

I had much worse things happen to me when I was a kid.

- It's fine. - Don't tell me how my child is doing!

Are you okay, sweetie?

Can I get another refill, please?

I'm sorry. Ow, ck!

Wow, I've never been 86'd from a cafe.

Screw those Brooklyn moms. I hate women.

Really? What about the new woman you're dating?

Oh, I gotta break up with her.

She's paranoid, needy and jealous.

All of which make her good in bed, but the rest of the time

- it is hell. - Man, that does sound bad.

She also hacked into my email account

and put her picture on my phone.

Everytime I make a call I have to see her face.

Oh my God, that's Jennifer Gladwell. I know her!

- Brooklyn is so small. - Wait, how do you know her?

She's one of my first clients. She's definitely nuts.

She hired me to tail her boyfriend.

I'm gonna break up with her later. I wanna feel

like everything's in order before my meeting with Kevin Bacon.

So if he options it, what are you gonna do with the money?

Well, probably get some health insurance. Go to the dentist.

I haven't been to the dentist in 14 years.

I have more plaque on my teeth than teeth.

Shit, 14 years? What else?

I don't know. I'll get some drawing pencils,

a new Insulin pump for my mom,

maybe cover up some of these varicose veins.

Come come.

So, table for one, my friend?

- Hmm? - Jonathan Ames.

- Yes. - He's for me, Akhil.

Hello.

You must be Lakshmi Bhargava.

Very good. I'm impressed by your pronunciation.

Thank you. I listen to a lot of n.P.R.

Come.

So how can I help you, Mrs. Bhargava.

Well, I'm so ashamed to say this,

but I suspect my husband of 15 years, Vikrum,

is having a love affair.

- What makes you think so? - He's a limousine driver,

but he's been coming home for weeks only after I've gone to sleep.

- What excuse does he give? - No excuse.

He must be with a woman who cooks bacon after they make love.

I smell it on his clots and s bald head.

I should have never married a poet!

But it was arranged. Still I... I've come to love him.

He's a limo driver and a poet?

That's great. I'm a detective and a writer.

It's good to have more than one profession. I also teach.

I don't care. I just want you to follow my husband.

Right.

Oh! Uh hey, buddy?

Why don't you go ahead and pour me another one?

This time make it a big-girl glass.

Jennifer, I... Jesus Christ.

Jennifer, I hate to, um,

spring this on you right here,

but I think that

maybe we should stop seeing each other.

Just for a little while. You know, maybe take a break.

What are you talking about? I don't want to take a break.

- I really like you. - I just have a lot of stuff going on right now.

What's that supposed to mean?

My big meeting with Kevin Bacon tonight

so you can't date me 'cause you're seeing Kevin Bacon?

I'm not seeing him. I have a meeting.

- That's what you're making it sound like. - I'm not dating Kevin Bacon.

Well, I don't know, are you?

I don't... I mean... what?

No.

I just want to focus on my work.

Okay?

It's not me, it's you.

No, that's backwards.

You say, "it's not you, it's me"

- to someone. - Right.

It's not you, it's me.

All right, why don't you just be honest with me, Ray, okay?

I can take it.

Okay, I will be honest.

You drink too much and I'm not used to it.

I like to be the heavy drinker in a relationship.

So I'll quit drinking. I've done it a million times.

I quit three weeks ago, okay? I can do it again.

Okay look, here.

And that's it. I'm done.

It's over. Wait.

- It's over. - Jennifer, you're beautiful.

But you're too much for me.

Someone will love you one day, I promise you.

It's just like Dylan said: It ain't me, babe.

- Did you just quote Bob Dylan? - Yes, because you love Bob Dylan.

Okay, this is now the most disgusting breakup

of my life.

Do you have a air dryer in the bathroom or are there paper towels?

Sorry to bother you.

I can't get 42 down. Can you help me?

The answer to 42 down is "nincompoop."

Nincompoop! Oh man, thank you.

I had the poop part, but not the nincom.

Nincomop's not a word one hears every day,

but I got the answer immediately because, well,

that's what I am... a bloody nincompoop.

Well, I've just met you, but you don't seem like a nincompoop to me.

Well, I am. I'm a poet who can't be published

and I'm a driver who doesn't drive.

The two things I love, I fail at.

Why don't you drive anymore?

I was let go. For 12 years I gave everything I had

to the number one limo company in New York,

but they show me no respect.

Number one in N.Y., that's impressive.

No, that was the name of the company, but we were number one in queens.

- Have you tried other companies? - Yes.

37 applications so far, but no luck.

So I sit here,

hiding from my beautiful wife,

too ashamed to face her.

I know your wife.

Lakshmi Bhargava.

Hey, your pronunciation... how do you know her?

I'm a private detective. She thought you were having an affair,

- so she hired me to follow you. - What?

Well, how much do you cost? We can't afford you. I lost my job.

My rates are very reasonable. But don't you see?

She loves you.

And she'll be relieved to know that this is all that's going on.

Look, I know how to help you and your wife.

You lost your job?!

I can't believe you lied to me.

We have a mortgage. Get out!

Poet.

No no, he couldn't help it. It's the economy.

He filled out 37 applications.

At least he's not cheating on you, right?

This is worse. This jeopardizes everything.

You are a terrible detective.

- I'm not paying you. - Wait a second... wait!

You love him; He loves you; Case closed. I'm a good detective!

Idiot!

- You've wrecked my life. - But...

Table for one?

"We need to... we need to defend

the written word." Ah, that's better.

"Books are essential to our humanity.

We need to defend the written word."

- That is so good. - George.

Oh hi. Come on in.

I'm just working on this talk

I have to give to this writing class tonight.

You know, rally the youth and all of that.

Sit down actually. Let me do it for you. Come on.

- Well, George, I... - I was thinking,

speaking to young writers is something that I could do for the magazine.

You know, I could go around the country...

like Mark Twain, right?

You know, giving inspirational talks.

- Mark Twain? - I could also, you know, like wear one of those,

uh, what do you call 'em? You know, prosthetic mustaches.

It could be very theatrical. Mark twain had white hair as well.

You know? And he loved three-piece suits. I'm just saying.

We can discuss this later, George,

but a more pressing issue

is that we need to cut columns from the magazine.