Claude McCaw

Hi, I am Alex Song-Xia.

I'm super excited to be here. I'm also terrified.

Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

Okay. Not what I was expecting. (laughs)

- Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

Three, two, one, open!

(laughs) Oh my God. I'm a dinosaur?

A parrot?

Something about the hair really reminds me of my grandma.

I feel like I lived in Miami. I moved there.

I wasn't originally from there.

Originally I'm from Toronto.

I could go high,

but I don't think I'll keep this for a whole interview.

And is that just Kermit? I could go lower.

That's not lower, but (laughs) I think I'm a villain.

I don't think I'm the good guy.

Yeah. (chuckles) Perfect.

We all have a story to tell

and sometimes that story needs to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis back with another edition

of "Very Important People."

Please introduce yourself.

Oh. Sorry, did we start?

- We did. - Oh-

So I do the intro

and then I say, "please introduce yourself."

- You just caught me on a weird day. Sorry.

I am Claude McCaw.

I'm on the tour right now

to promote the company I work for-

- Which is? - McCaw Industries.

Of course.

Is it a family business?

Yeah, it is a family business.

Birds of a feather.

- What? - You're a macaw, right?

Oh yeah. That's good.

We should have used that.

You know what's funny is I'm not even a real macaw.

I married into it and-

Took your partner's last name?

- Yeah, and then, you know, started pretty low

and now I'm doing the media interviews.

Even though I think most of us know,

why don't you tell us what does McCaw Industries do?

Kidnap women. Sometimes men.

Do some murders

and we're just gonna be really

expanding that to global scale.

Well, I mean, it's just wonderful.

You're doing a great job sticking up

the studio right now, aren't we folks?

Come on, they're doing a great job

sticking up the studio right now, right? (claps)

Yeah.

And we do have to clap,

so let's all do that, okay?

Thank you. (claps)

Really, really wonderful stuff there.

And I'm now seeing, actually I was given

a list of questions that was approved by McCaw Industries

that I'm being forced to ask.

- Sometimes we kidnap people who don't identify

as women or men also.

- Is that true? - No,

but I thought I should say it, but it's not true.

- It was a really progressive thought that you had.

Maybe I'll pitch it.

Hey, it sounds like you actually

have some really good ideas.

Do people take your pitches very often?

Just the evil ones.

- Well, it sounds like that's pretty evil adjacent.

I mean, d'you have other pitches

that aren't evil that you've been giving recently?

Yeah, actually.

We work seven days a week,

'cause, you know, evil never sleeps, but-

- Sure. - I've been pitching

Smile Saturdays. - Just a general smile

on Saturdays?

Yeah, like, you have casual Fridays.

Would this be a casual Friday outfit

or is this sort of a typical work outfit?

- This is just kinda like the company-issued look.

This is how they dressed me for the tour.

How did you get involved with somebody

that wanted you to be working at this sort of evil empire?

- Yeah. - Is that too much to say?

Evil empire? - No, that's part

of our branding. - Yeah.

I guess I fell in love. I don't know.

Tell me about them.

(sighs) We actually got divorced,

so yeah. - Sorry to hear that.

Marriages can be tough.

But I still work at the company

and so I'm grateful for that

and for the life I have.

Can I ask?

You don't seem happy, and you don't seem very scary,

and you don't seem very evil.

Is that- - I just-

Too much to say?

- I didn't come on your show to be insulted.

- No, I'm not insulting you. - No, I just-

I'm just saying,

you just seem, honestly- - I'm happy, and evil,

and scary. - This is just a very

different version of the person that I was expecting.

It was more this version, I think,

that I was expecting from one of these training videos.

I see a lot of evil in this room.

Ooh, smell it, drink it in.

Yes!

You are evil,

and you are evil, and you are evil,

and I'm evil!

All right, everyone, look under your seats. That's right!

You better put those beaks back in or-

Look at that.

- Yeah, I remember being that bird.

- Forceful, angry- - Yeah.

You know, in line, terrifying,

if you don't mind me saying.

- No, that's really nice of you to say. Thank you.

I mean, it's from a long time ago,

but it's also from before the first time I volunteered

at the children's hospital and-

Volunteered at the children's hospital?

I was there to blow it up and-

- Right. Right. - Things didn't go

according to plan.

- Well, what happened? Take me through that morning.

You wake up.

I woke up, my wife had just asked

for a divorce previous night.

I thought maybe she'd still be there

in the morning, but she wasn't.

- She asked for a divorce and then left immediately.

She's efficient. That's-

- Yeah. - One of the things I

loved about her.

Work was busy and then blowing up the children's hospital

was happening at night, and then-

- Right. - This little girl saw me,

she held onto the tip of my claw, smiled up at me,

and then I didn't press the detonate button.

- So the bomb is still at the children's hospital?

- I left right away. I left the bomb there.

What children's hospital?

It's not important.

- Boston? - I've never been to Boston.

- New York? - That's where

my life (whimpers) changed.

- That's where my life changed. So, New York.

If somebody can write that down.

We're gonna send that, but not now,

because we do need all the PA's hands on the cameras,

so, thank you.

Okay, so what? Now we're here.

Now all of a sudden you're just sort

of looking at evil a little different?

Sometimes I'll sneak into different

children's hospitals at night.

- With a bomb? - No bomb.

- No bomb. - Just to smile at the kids.

I don't know, (sighs) it just, it made me think

maybe I'm supposed to be doing something different.

Yeah.

And I'm getting the sword from somebody back there,

which means it's time for our game that we're being forced

to play, which is, Which Cocktail is Poisoned?

I actually really love this game.

- And we don't have to play if we don't have time.

If you're not... - No, I...

This will cheer me up, I think.

Do you think?

- Yeah. - Okay.

For the viewers at home,

this is one of my favorite games.

My favorite game is Monopoly.

- So basically, we just take turns drinking the cocktails.

Okay. (chuckles)

Okay. I guess I'll go first.

- Okay. - I am going to pass.

Okay, then I will also pass.