Happy Gilmore 2

My name is Happy Gilmore.

Growing up, I always wanted to be a hockey player.

But then 30 years ago, I picked up a golf club.

Turned out to be a pretty good decision.

And Happy Gilmore wins the 98th U.S. Open.

I got to marry a great lady named Virginia,

and we had a son named Gordy.

The wins didn't always come as expected,

but like Grandma always said,

sometimes it's better to be lucky than good.

Oh, Lord!

I made it!

Yeah, I was getting lucky in more ways than one.

He shoots, he scores!

And after our fourth boy in four years,

Virginia had an idea for an endorsement.

Trojan. Kids are great…

…in moderation.

What are you doing? Calm down!

I tried to get the boys into competitive golf tournaments…

Follow that.

But their hockey instincts were too strong.

Boys, stop! Come on, what are you doing?

Tiger Woods had a video game, so we did a Happy Gilmore one.

But I think the computer guys made it a little too realistic.

You've had enough.

Anyways, the boys loved how violent it was,

but it made my little girl nervous.

That's right, we finally had a little girl,

sweet Vienna, Mommy's new best friend.

Oh, and I hosted Saturday Night Live a few times. That was nice.

The Spice Girls are here!

Maroon 5 is here!

The Weeknd is here! So stick around, we'll be right back.

Yeah, we had it all, so I told Virginia…

We should just retire so we can hang out with the kids all day.

We're not done with golf, Happy.

And golf's not done with us.

It's like Chubbs used to say. We've only just begun.

Hmm.

Gordy!

Oh, come on, don't pee on the slip-n-slide.

Appreciate your time today. It's Mother's Day.

We honor all of the mothers who are watching.

Let's go real deep now!

But in golf, even when you're at the top of your game…

you can always shank one.

Uh-oh.

After the funeral, I decided I would never pick up a golf club again.

I was now a single father of five children.

There was really only one thing I could do…

I'd never been a big boozer,

but alcohol was the only thing that helped me

to forget what I'd done to the sweetest woman I'd ever known.

-Oh, one more thing… -It's no good.

The money.

Give me the…

No, no, dude! Come on, man.

See, Virginia always handled the finances,

so without her, a lot of stuff fell through the cracks.

Should I smash the window?

Then I caught some guy trying to break into my Ferrari.

Hey, can you hold my beer?

Yeah.

The guy wasn't a thief, he was a repo man.

Can you let me explain?

Turns out I didn't know I had to renew the lease.

The big baby sued me, and I lost everything…

including Grandma's house, which was devastating.

The boys had to move into an apartment together,

and me and Vienna found a new place that was affordable.

It's not the best neighborhood, but it's walkable to my new job.

Gary, can you pick up in section 2?

Happy Gilmore. Oh, my God, I'm such a massive fan.

Okay, bro, what can I help you with?

You ever hear of Maxi Sports Drink?

I think that's aisle four.

No. It's my company, I own it.

I'm Frank Manatee.

My real passion is this cutting-edge golf project that I've been working on.

I don't golf no more, brother.

Cucumber juice in there?

Sure.

Anyway, I figured maybe you would start golfing again

once you heard how huge this league was gonna be.

I wish you luck, but I'm not interested.

See, that's the thing. Nobody's interested in traditional golf.

It's a boring sport played by boring people.

They ain't boring, they're my friends.

You don't understand. You inspired this thing, all right?

And I love you, and I'd hate to see you pass this up

and have your life turn out worse than it already is.

I get it. Golf makes you tense, right?

Because the whole wife thing?

Get your skunk breath out of my face, or I swear to God--

Or what, tough guy? You're not gonna do a damn thing about it,

because if you lay one finger on me, you're going right to jail.

That's if I get caught.

Operations.

Hey, Linda, can you turn the security cameras off for 90 seconds?

Seven, eight. Fouetté, fouetté. Finish.

Great. Arms, fifth. Soutenu.

Fouetté, fouetté.

Arms, fifth.

Soutenu. Chaîné, chaîné.

And arabesque.

Look at that.

Daddy!

Hey, Vienna.

Oh, with the kicks! Hey. The Rockettes are here.

Glad you're home.

You were a clue on Jeopardy! Let me show you.

Really?

Okay. Hi.

Hi.

How'd my girl do today?

Great. Beyond great. She needs a better teacher than me.

-Look. -Yeah.

With his amazing long drives and hockey player's temper,

this golfer won the first of his six Tour Championships in 1996. Carter?

Who is Happy Goldberg?

Sorry, no. Ling.

Who is Happy Gudenstein?

Nope. Jana.

Who is Skippy Goldenbaum?

That is incorrect.

He is Jewish, but we were looking for Happy Gilmore.

At least he knew it.

I'm making your grandma's brisket for dinner.

The boys are coming.

Okay, good. Good, I can't wait.

What do you mean, a better teacher? Are you quitting?

No, but I work at the Boys and Girls Club.

She's light years beyond anyone else I ever taught.

So what? Where should she go?

The Paris Opera Ballet School.

Where's that? Around here?

It's in Paris.

They only have four slots open each year.

I sent them the videos of Vienna,

and they're saving one of the slots for her.

Is it free?

How much is it?

$75,000 a year.

I marinated the brisket in ketchup all day like you said Grandma used to.

Absolutely incredible.

You crushed it, Vivi.

Vienna, you're gonna have to make more. I'm starving.

Easy, Bobby. Make your own.

-Terry, how about I make you cry? -Are you freaking kidding?

Yeah! Strangle him! Use it!

Put the fork down! Not the fork.

We fight in the basement, not at the table.

-Sorry, Daddy. -Sorry.

It's all right.

How's work going, boys?

I gotta say, Pop, I'm loving the road crew.

I'm killing it at the car wash.

I'm going for Employee of the Month at the drugstore.

Whoop, whoop, whoop.

I've been keeping the sky safe at the airport.

Dude!

You guys wouldn't have to be working if I didn't lose all our money.

-We don't need no money. -Money's for snobs.

Everybody needs money to chase their dreams.

You guys didn't even go to college

because you thought you had to stick around here and keep an eye on me.

What are you talking about?

-…we got brisket, we got hockey here. -…we got food.

I'm just psyched you thought any of us could get into college.

He's not going to college.

That's what he was talking about.

It's a turn of phrase. Not saying--

Turn of phrase? You just said--

Say your phrase.

It makes no sense.

I know what it means.

You turn and you look at somebody and you say some--

Here, it's never ending Can't remember when it started

Pass around the lampshade There'll be plenty enough room in jail

If being wrong's a crime I'm serving forever

If being strong's your kind I need help…

I'm telling you now, I'm getting the waterbed.

What are you talking about? I shottied the waterbed.

-Enough out of you. -What?

You're on the floor. You popped the waterbed.

-Come on, let's go. -All right.

-Night, guys. Love you. -Thanks for coming.

Call me when you get there.

Wait a minute. How are there four of you?

Wait a minute. Who's steering? Gordy, don't steer with your feet.

Chips off the old block, huh?

Hey, Uncle John Daly.

Hey, Vienna, Happy.

Hey, pal.

I'm almost out of here. I just put a down payment on a tent.

Will you stop? I don't want you to leave.

Stay as long as you need to.

I appreciate you. You want to come watch Love Island?

I do, but I'm going to have a couple of nightcaps