Gilmore Girls

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Um...

Go back to sleep.

Come back to bed.

Oh, I can't. I gotta go.

- Stay. - No, I can't. Paul Anka.

Oh, there's no way he's performing this early.

- Check your tickets. - No, I gotta go home and feed him.

- Well, let me make you breakfast first. - No.

Come on, you're no good to Paul Anka

if you collapse from hunger before you feed him.

It's like how, when you're on an airplane,

you have to put on your own oxygen mask before your kid's.

- It seems selfish, but... - No.

- Chris. - Lor.

Really. You sleep. I've got to get going.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Okay. Bye.

You're back!

Oh, God, Babette, you scared me. Hi.

Yeah. It's my voice.

It frightens the hell out of people. I don't know what to do about it.

Oh. Well, you could start by not hiding out in people's houses

and leaping out at them when they come home.

- It's the nodules. - Who?

It's the nodules on my vocal chords.

The more I strain my voice, the more they grow.

It's nature's way of trying to get me to talk softer.

Babette, one. Nature, nada.

I bet you're wondering why I'm here.

Yeah. I mean, not that I'm not happy to see you.

- It's just that I have to... - I'm not a sleepwalker.

- No? - In case that's what you were thinking.

- No, no. - A lot of people figure me for one.

God knows why. I guess I got the look.

Well, you didn't sleepwalk, though.

Uh-uh. But this morning I came over here wide awake

'cause I heard Paul Anka doing that weird yodeling noise

that you said he does when he's hungry, so I fed him.

Oh, good. Thank you.

Yeah, I gave him a half a cup of that kibble that you said he likes,

but then he looked at me like I stole something from him,

so I gave him a whole cup.

I know that look. It can be intimidating.

And since our washing machine is broken...

Morey put his boots in it and broke it again.

I thought I'd do a load of my intimates.

Good for you.

- You ain't got any messages. - What?

- He didn't call. - Who?

I heard about the fight between you and Luke.

- (SIGHING) You did? - Yeah.

You know Adrian Bittenberg's daughter, Becky?

- She got a huge mouth. - Becky is not a gossip.

But she has a huge mouth.

And she and Eileen Whitewin were behind Doose's Market

seeing how many Devil Dogs Becky could stuff in there,

and when she got up to four, it completely cut off her oxygen.

So Eileen went running over to Luke's to see if she could get some help.

And then she saw the two of you on the street screaming at each other.

Well, I'm glad she had the presence of mind

to listen in on our argument while her friend was choking to death.

Well, don't you worry about a thing, honey, everything will be fine.

Every couple needs a good blowout once in a while.

- It keeps you on your toes. - Oh, yeah, well...

Yeah. So, did you spend the night at Sookie's again?

- Sookie's? - Yeah, I figured you were there,

but Morey and I did a power walk this morning,

and we went by her and Jackson's place,

and I didn't see your Jeep there.

Babette, I really gotta get going.

Oh, I'm just waiting for my panties to dry.

I'll pick them up later.

But could you do me a favor and put them in a delicate-spin situation,

thirty minutes with a Bounce dryer sheet?

Oh, and don't worry, sweetheart, he'll call.

They always do.

Do you want your kid to spend her life behind the counter at Dunkin' Donuts?

- No. - Because that's where she's headed.

Selling chocolate donuts and glazed fritters for the next 40 years

to people in business suits

who actually gave a crap about their academic future.

I just want her to get into a good school.

She has such potential.

- Well, so did Charles Manson. - What?

Look at her. Frankly, it may already be too late.

I don't particularly like to take on such meek, diffident cases.

Do you even know what "diffident" means?

That's okay.

That knowledge isn't really required in the retail donut distribution industry.

- Please, just give her a chance. - Why should I?

- Because she needs this. - Mom.

Kaitlyn.

- What do you think? - She's got a "C" average,

which means she's either lazy or stupid.

I can work with either.

Frankly, sometimes stupid is easier.

I can scare the stupid out of you, but the lazy runs deep.

- So you'll take her on? - I will.

- Wonderful. - Mom!

Kaitlyn. Thank you, Paris. You won't be sorry.

Okay. Now, if I can get you both to take these aptitude tests,

- then we can get to work. - Why do I need to take a test?

I need to get a realistic sense of Kaitlyn's true potential,

and genetics is by far the most reliable indicator.

- I'm sorry? - Basically, I need to know

how much of this is her fault and how much of it is yours.

- Tick tock. - Oh!

- What is this? - Pretty great, huh?

Not for Kaitlyn.

I was gonna spend the summer tutoring for the Princeton Review,

but then I found they charge these little morons $60 an hour

and only pay their tutors $20.

So I figured, who needs the Princeton Review? I can open up my own shop.

I've already subcontracted out to three other student tutors,

and I've got more prospects lined up.

I'm gonna make a fortune. Hey, are you interested?

- The pay's $15 an hour. - No, thanks.

Wait. Are you looking to use the offices over the summer?

Just because you're the editor,

that doesn't entitle you to use the offices during the summer.

There's no paper to put out.

These were up for grabs, and I grabbed them.

Paris, I don't want the offices.

Oh. Then what are you doing here?

I just came in to back up my files.

You already backed up your files.

I saw you do it.

Oh, I get it. Logan's gone, huh?

He left this morning, early.

- Breakups are tough. - What?

Eyes on your own paper, Marilyn!

- We didn't break up. - You didn't?

No. Why would you say that?

I don't know. Wealthy, good-looking,

hedonistic heir to billion-dollar, multinational media conglomerate

moves to London and spends nights pining away for his college girlfriend?

Who's watching that movie?

Paris, it's not like that. We're together.

- So you guys talked about it? - Yes.

Well, no... I mean...

I'm gonna go visit him, though. We talked about that.

- When? - I don't know exactly.

So what, specifically, did you agree to?

Well, nothing, really, but it was kind of understood.

Yeah. Because that worked out so well the last time.

- Paris. - Has history taught you nothing?

You're in limbo, sister, no man's land, quite literally.

Logan is not that bright. You need to spell it out for him.

He's got to know where the red lines are,

or he's gonna leap right over them and into bed with multiple British floozies.

Paris, it's okay. Logan and I are fine.

He moved to London, Rory, the most romantic city in the world.

Paris is the most romantic city in the world.

Oh, right. London is just the most sex-obsessed.

Pencils down!

Hey.

I can't, I'm late for work.

- Can we talk first? - Please, I really don't want to.

- Lorelai, come on. - No, Luke, we did talk.

We talked last night. There's nothing left to say.

Look, I'm sorry about yesterday,

but you kind of ambushed me out of nowhere,

and then you didn't give me a chance.

I gave you every chance.

You were going so fast.

Yeah, that's me. I'm fast.

I'm the perfect storm of caffeine and genetics.

I know, but now I've had a chance to catch up, and I want to discuss it.

Discuss what? There's nothing left to discuss.

- Us. You and me. - There is no us.

There's you, and there's me. It's over.

It was over last night, and it's over now. It's over.

- Lorelai. - No, I'm sorry. I have to go.

- You're going down. - No.

You think you're so great. You think you're Miss La-di-da.

Ow!

But look at you now, all weak and pitiful.

That's it. Give in to the pain.

- So, how's my acting? - What do you mean?

Well, is it believable, or do you find it a little over-the-top?

My fingers! My fingers are smashed!

- How do you like them apples, Michel? - I do not like these apples.

You cheated. You hustled me. You played possum.

Oh, no, I played arm-wrestling.

Or did you think we were playing some other game?

- Is that why you lost so bad? - Your gloating is very distasteful.

Ouch!

Lorelai, I may need to take some time off

to have my wrist x-rayed. Excuse me.

I am a fantastic arm-wrestler.

You know what I think did it? The whisking.

All those years of whisking

has given me incredible forearm strength.