What We Do in the Shadows

So,

today is our first day on the job

as leaders of the Vampiric Council.

Nadja and I have agreed to work together as a team.

For now, I am letting Nandor think that we are

"sharing power."

But there can only be one Supreme Leader,

and I will do whatever it takes.

That is how you are the only one that survives

out of 17 children.

I admire.

Nadja's decisiveness

and how loud she is.

But I am the more experienced leader.

Eventually, I will make her my number two.

So you're saying you

you need to make a number two?

Indeed. Not right now but soon.

It's not something you should force.

But you're saying it's important

to have a really good number two.

Yes.

There's nothing funny about a firm number two.

What was the plan again?

The plan is that I... Nandor The Relentless

will sit on my throne and make a number two.

Okay, get out.

Now, down here we have the medium security cells

and the various abattoirs.

Be sure to reserve your spot on the sign-in sheet

'cause the abattoirs get crazy busy.

Okay, now, over here we have the break room.

Now, make sure that you label your snacks

because we throw everything out every Friday.

- Oh! Oh! Yummy, yummy.

And behind this door

the Chamber of Curiosities.

The treasures of many generations of vampires

gathered from around the world and collected here.

Ageless, timeless, marvelous artifacts.

But be warned:

Some of this stuff is inordinately powerful

and not to be monkeyed about with!

- Don't fuck with that! -Oh. - Colin Robinson.

What a Charlie. - But some of it is just for fun.

Does this look familiar?

No. What is it?

Oh, only Van Helsing's dick.

Come on, Guillermo.

Not everyone is lucky enough

to hold their great-great-great- great-grandfather's penis

- in their hands. - Hmm.

I know I certainly would have liked to.

What the hell was that?

Let us hush our voices, all right?

We don't want to rile him.

Behind this door is the living quarters of The Sire.

- The actual Sire? - The Sire?

- The one and only. - Who-who's The Sire?

The Sire is the oldest living vampire in the world.

He's the vampire from which all other vampires have descended.

All of them.

Do not ever open this door.

Peekaboo.

As I was saying,

- Do not ever open... - Open the door.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it.

Ooh. What is this?

Don't monkey about with that!

- This is the Cloak of Duplication. - The what?

Everyone, you might want to see this.

It's pretty cool.

- I'll show you. - Duplication?

Observe.

Boop.

- See? Crazy, right? Good Lord.

Amazing.

A magical cloak that makes the wearer

instantly much more good-looking.

That is a matter of opinion.

I am kidding.

I get the principle that

it makes someone look like someone else.

Very good.

- Oh, it's you again. - But no one should touch it.

Even I, full-time staff,

should not be monkeying about with it.

And over here is the familiars' room.

You can store him here until the end of the workday.

Scoot, scoot.

He's not actually a familiar.

- He is our bodyguard. Bodyguard.

We cannot allow a human to wander free here.

Unless you are making him a vampire.

- Not a chance. Absolutely not. - No, absolutely not. No.

- That was a really quick answer. Sorry, Guillermo.

There's nothing we can do.

Scoot, scoot.

And the door stays open, I'm assum.

- Hey. What? - Buh-bye.

I feel much better about that.

Hell's bells.

Shit.

My giddy aunt.

To the scholar of the printed page,

this place is Valhalla.

And what I'd dismissed as rumor is actually true,

for this Vampiric Council holds the world's

oldest and largest

collection of pornography.

The Knobnomicon.

Everything a chap and chapess

would need to know about fellatio.

What else have we got?

Gutenberg's... oh, yes... Vaginaria.

That's an original.

Oh, this is, uh, Tocqueville's Lusty Discharge Pamphlet,

with discharge on it, by the feel of it.

Egypt's Longest Penises.

Roy Cohn, Esquire's 169 Sex Positions.

Bet you didn't know that existed.

What's this?

Aristotle's Book of Poetics Two.

Is that code?

No.

Hey, I found them!

- The archives. - Okay.

- This year, I am turning 100 years old.

It's kind of got me in a reflective mood.

Everything you want to know about vampires

and vampire lineage, it's right here.

There's so much I want to know.

Where do I come from?

How did I become an energy vampire?

Was I turned,

or in the words of Stefani Germanotta,

was I born this way?

I said to myself, "Colin,"

I says. I says,

"Before you turn 100 years old,

"you are going to find out who you are

and where you come from."

Uh, I says.

The deets have got to be in here.

I mean, this is

a climate-controlled fortress,

built to preserve documents

for all eternity.

So it's...

What-what are you doing?

Why are you ripping that page out of that book?

I'll wank my way, and you wank yours.

Oh, wow. It's really dusty in here.

Time for your official council vestments, eh?

Hey, easy there.

It's a robe.

- Why do you need my inseam? He's a 44 long!

You'll probably have to take it in at the waist

and out in the shoulders.

Hey, get out of the vent!

Tell your familiar to get out of the vent.

He's not a familiar. He's a bodyguard.

Get out of the vent, Guillermo!

He's a rascal.

Get out of the vent. Go back into your room.

Little rascal.

All right, your alterations will be ready momentarily.

- Great. - Until then, you may peruse our collection of oddities

while I deal with the water and power company

about some discrepancies in our latest bill.

I was wondering if I could talk to you about...

The moment I saw the Cloak of Duplication

I knew it was the answer to my romantic difficulties.

You see, I've been struggling with my girlfriend, Meg.

She is not actually my girlfriend yet.

Meg works at Massive Fitness,

a 24-hour gymnasium I used to attend.

Back when I was commanding an army,

the soldiers and I would strip naked

and challenge each other

to various feats of endurance and strength.

The men at Massive Fitness 24-hour gymnasium,

they're not really interested in any of that.

- Don't seem to notice each other much,

or admire each other's bodies.

Oops.

The best thing about Massive Fitness 24-hour gymnasium

is the connection I have with Meg.

She has shown me much kindness.

Unfortunately, we have not yet taken things to the next level.

You're funny.

Thank you for that compliment.

And for the towel.

I love your accent. Is it French?

No.

No, it is not.

I have never been very good

at talking to modern women.

But fortunately, I know someone who can help.

Laszlo.