In Circles

[SONG "LONG WAY ROUND" by CALM OF ZERO]

You want to be careful sitting there.

Farmer might try and shoot you.

I'm from Zimbabwe it wouldn't be the first time, trust me!

-My name is Sibonakalisa. -Call me Hatter.

Can you feel that? The energy.

Always.

That's why I'm here.

There is something coming, I can sense it, and that's why I had to come.

-From Zimbabwe? -No, Stonehenge.

I was on a coach trip there but I knew I had to be here instead.

I don't know what it is but whatever it is, it's something-- -Something big!

Exactly.

Do you live here?

Yes.

What makes these circles?

I don't know.

- Why do they come here?

Because they have to.

- This is a customer service update.

There are currently delays at Bank Station due to ongoing engineering works,

and delays westbound on the Circle and District Lines.

Your next station stop is Poplar.

- You forget just how small England actually is.

You can't go more than a couple of miles without coming across some village

or town or some kind of sign of civilization at least.

-You're clearly lost! -I'm not lost!

Should've got a GPS.

What do you want a GPS for? I don't trust them anyway.

-That's because you always have a guide!

-We don't need a guide to come to Wiltshire!

-Then learn how to read a map. -I know how to read a map!

I think it's out of date or broken or something.

How on earth do we know where we are, anyway?

We've been down a hundred identical little country roads

and each one leads to another identical-looking Hobbit village.

Which one did we just go through?

I've no idea. They all look the same. All sound the same.

-Dilton? -No.

It's-- Look there, we're there.

-You just said you didn't know where you were!

-I know where we are, we're there. Go right!

Definitely, it's right.

Do you think I like doing this? Do you think this is easy?

If I had money I wouldn't be asking you, would I?

Hang on.

Ray you're a star, thanks mate. Marie, you alright?

See you tomorrow.

No, I haven't spoken to him.

Well give me his new number then!

Why not?

Well, don't moan at me for not talking to him, then!

Yeah!

Look Caroline, I'm not going over this again.

Just get him to call me, please.

Please, Caroline, it's important.

I'm going to get him involved in anything.

There's nothing going on here anyway.

He's a grown man for Christ's sake, he can make his own mistakes, can't he?

Caroline. Caroline, I'm sorry.

I mean it, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you.

It's just that...

...today is Mum's birthday.

And...

...I still love you.

I know you don't.

Just get him to call me, please.

Perfect.

I don't know what to do.

Every choice I make is the wrong choice...

...and if I make a choice then change it to be the right choice it's still...

...the wrong choice.

Caroline won't listen to me.

Dean? Dean won't even talk to me, and...

...well you can't help me. Can you?

Ah! Not now!

Dean, I've had to get you in here today because...

...well as you know I've been going over the reports the last couple of days

and I've had ever member of the team in here this morning.

Unfortunately I need to say to you is that this is just not going to wash.

There's no way that I can hand this work in above my head,

because as it all comes down on me in the end, Dean.

I don't know where you've been at these last few weeks

but it's just not up to scratch.

I'm gonna need to ask you to leave the office.

Take at least a week out. Just get away somewhere, clear your head...

...and let's just hope that when you come back in here

we'll get the old Dean back.

Get back on track.

Okay.

Okay, off you go. Just keep in touch with us.

- I'm sure that was Stonehenge.

- No, it was a fake. It's all made out of wood and fiberglass.

The real Stonehenge is in a museum in Tokyo.

Hmm. I'd love to touch the stones.

Yeah? I did, when I was a kid.

Mind you that was back before the National Trust Nazis got their hands on it.

No, apparently you still can. On the solstice I heard there's an amazing rave.

We should go!

Have you ever seen a U.F.O?

Excuse me while I write that down

in my invisible book of favorite non-sequiturs!

I'm serious!

Come on, not even in the desert in Mali? You must have!

No.

Shame. I have.

Oh look, Bilbo Baggins. Go and ask him where we are.

Are you sure we can trust him?

This is Wiltshire, the English countryside!

What do you think he's gonna do, pull a gun on you?

Farmers have guns, he looks like a farmer.

But I don't think they tend to shoot journalists, even if we are lost.

Excuse me mate, do you know where we are on this map?

God, any later and we'd be here in time for the harvest.

You know I'm beginning to see why everybody really wants to work with you!

You weren't exactly my first choice, either!

God knows why the agency sent you.

I don't know.

Maybe it's Written on the back of my Royal Television Society

Camera Operator of the Year award!

- It's getting cold. Goodbye Hobbiton, hello Narnia!

Yeah that's right, go see if the Snow Queen's in,

maybe you might find a friend.

[SONG "CHASING INSPIRATION" BY HOOPY FROOD]

- Hi. - Hello.

- Can we have two rooms please? - Rooms?

- To sleep in. -No rooms here.

How very Biblical!

There's a campsite 'round the back.

I'm not sleeping in a sodding tent!

Well, why don't you sleep in the car and I'll sleep in the tent.

Where's the nearest hotel?

Pewsey, about five miles away.

You come out of here, you turn left, then right on the main road,

and you keep going and then you'll come to it.

-You sleep in the car and I'll have the tent. -I brought two tents!

-You knew about this didn't you? -Yeah, of course. It's called research.

Okay, we'll take two tents just for tonight.

Can I ask you a question? Have you ever seen a U.F.O around here?

No, but I have seen lights though. Near enough everyone has.

She's absolutely not my wife.

Better make it a week, eh?

- So Derren, you own the Barge Inn. - We do.

- You obviously attract loads of people coming here to... investigate.

Yeah. A lot of tourists from all over the world.

- Yeah, so what's your view on crop circles?

Well, people say they're man-made some people say they're made by aliens.

We just sell them beer while they talk about it really!

The Barge Inn is in the book called the Fifty Strangest Pubs in Britain.

We got a double-page spread in there, largely 'cause of the crop circle thing

and because of the phenomenon and the strange people that come round here!

- I hate to say that about my customers, but you know we are a diverse lot!

- Tomorrow we find a hotel.

Why?

When I was in the Sudan we slept out under the stars.

Yeah it's warm there. How come you always go to hot climates, anyway?

The last assignment I had was in Finland.

Don't they fight wars in temperate climates anymore?

- Russian-Georgia War, South Ossetia, 2008.

Mind you, that only lasted five days and it was in August.

The day the penguins revolt in Antarctica, I'll happily wave you off at the airport.

With all that cold air you should come with me, you'd fit in perfectly.

- You making a documentary?

Yes. Hi, I'm Lara.

I'm here to find out the truth about crop circles.

So is everyone else.

- What do you think? Where do crop circles come from?

-This is it. We're done now. - Whatever, you're full of shit.

Excuse you?

- Every time you give me this, then by Monday it'll be fine again.

- This is just one of your-- - Oh no, no, no, no, no!