Juno

It started with a chair.

I've wanted this for a really long time.

I know.

Wizard.

Jeez, Banana. Shut your frigging gob, okay?

This is the most magnificent discarded living-room set I've ever seen.

Well, well. If it isn't MacGuff the Crime Dog.

Back for another test?

The first was defective. The plus sign looks like a division symbol.

So I remain unconvinced.

Third test today, Mama Bear. Your eggo is preggo, no doubt about it.

It's really easy to tell. Is your nipples real brown?

Yeah. Maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms. Knocked you up twice.

Silencio , old man.

Look, I just drank my weight in SunnyD and I gotta go pronto.

Well, you know where the lavatory is.

Pay for that pee stick when you're done.

Don't think it's yours because you marked it with your urine.

What's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle? Minus or plus?

I don't know. It's not seasoned yet.

I'll take some of these.

No. There it is.

That little pink plus sign is so unholy.

That ain't no Etch A Sketch.

This is one doodle that can't be undid, home skillet.

- I'm a suicide risk. - Juno?

No, it's Morgan Freeman. Do you have bones that need collecting?

Only the one in my pants.

I'm pregnant.

What? Honest to blog?

Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleeker's.

It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?

No, this is not a food baby, all right?

I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I am for shiz up the spout.

How did you generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing.

I don't know, I drank like 10 tons of SunnyD. Anyway, dude, I...

I'm telling you I'm pregnant, and you're acting shockingly cavalier.

Is this for real? Like for real, for real?

Unfortunately, yes.

Oh, my God. Oh, shit.

Phuket, Thailand.

There we go. That was the emotion I was searching for on the first take.

Are you gonna go to Havenbrooke or Women Now?

You need a note from your parents for Havenbrooke.

Yeah, I know.

No, I'm gonna go to Women Now just because they help out women now.

Want me to call for you? I called for Becky last year.

No, I can call. But I do need your help with something. It's critically important.

You know, heavy lifting can really only help you at this point.

Seriously.

You were bored? That's how this miracle came to be?

No. No, no. The act was premeditated.

I mean the sex, not the whole, like, "let's get pregnant" thing.

So when did you decide that you were gonna do Bleeker?

Well, like...

...a year ago, in Spanish class.

You love him.

It's... No, it's actually... It's really complicated, okay?

And I don't feel like talking about it in my fragile state.

So, what was it like humping Bleek's bony bod?

Magnificent.

Hey, Bleek.

Wicked tiger. He looks proud.

I swiped it from Ms. Rancik's lawn.

My, your shorts are, like, especially gold today.

My mom uses color-safe bleach.

Go, Carol.

I'll tell her.

When I see them running, with their things bouncing in their shorts...

...I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to. All I see is pork swords.

I'm supposed to be running.

So guess what.

What? I don't know.

I'm pregnant.

What should we do about...?

Well, you know, I was just... I was thinking I'd just nip it in the bud.

Before it gets worse.

Because they were talking about, in health class, how pregnancy...

...it can often lead to an infant.

Typically, yeah. Yeah.

That's what happens when our moms and teachers get pregnant.

So you're cool with that, then?

Yeah, yeah. Wizard, I mean, you know, just, I guess...

...do whatever you think you should do, you know?

Well, I'm sorry I had sex with you.

I know it wasn't, like, your idea.

What? Whose idea was it?

I'll see you at school, all right?

Whose idea was it?

- Your book fell apart. - Right.

It must have looked at your face.

The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me.

Jocks like him always want freaky girls.

Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and goth makeup.

Girls who, like, play the cello and read McSweeney's...

...and wanna be children's librarians when they grow up.

Oh, yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up.

They won't admit it because they're supposed to be into cheerleaders.

Like Leah, who incidentally is into teachers.

Me too! I love Woody Allen!

All right, all right.

All right, people. We're doing chromatography lab today.

So find your partners and break into groups of four.

Well, there's nothing like experimenting.

I did the prep questions for this lab, so you can copy my answers...

Oh, I couldn't copy your work.

You copy my work every week.

True. I'm kind of a deadbeat lab partner.

I think you definitely bring something to the table.

Charisma.

So who's ready for some chromomagnificence?

I have a menstrual migraine, so I can't look at bright lights.

Amanda, I told you to go to the infirmary and lie down. You never listen.

No, Josh, because I don't take orders. Not from you and not from any man.

You've been acting like this since I got back from my brother's in Mankato.

I told you, nothing happened.

I'm gonna set up the apparatus. Juno, do you wanna plug in the Bunsen burner?

- My pleasure. - I'm going to the infirmary.

- Call when you get off the rag. - Fine!

Call when you learn to love instead of cheat at your brother's...

...because you had four Smirnoff Ices and Snow Peak Peach Boone's.

Good, Amanda. I'll be sure to do that. I'll make a note of it.

I've actually heard that the Snow Peak Peach flavor...

...is the best flavor of Boone's.

Isn't that right, Bleek?

Hey, yeah, I'm just calling to procure a hasty abortion.

What?

Can you just hold on for a second? I'm on my hamburger phone.

Okay, yeah, now I can...

Yeah, it's just, like, really awkward to talk on.

Yeah, yeah, I need an abortion.

I'm 16.

I'm gonna say it's been about two months and four days since the sex.

Mind you, that's just, like, a guesstimation.

I'm sorry, how long have I been what?

I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active."

What does it even mean?

Can I deactivate someday, or is this some sort of permanent state of being?

I guess Bleeker went live that night and that's why he got that look on his face.

You should have seen this octopus furnace at work.

I had to get on my HAZMAT suit just to get into the thing.

My dad used to be in the Army, but now he's just your average HVAC specialist.

He and my mom got divorced when I was like 5...

...and she lives on a Havasu reservation with her husband and replacement kids.

And she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day.

And I'm like, "Thanks a heap, Coyote Ugly.

This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment."

That's my stepmom, Bren. She's completely obsessed with dogs...

...owns a nail salon, and always smells like methyl methacrylate.

So, Juno, how was your little maneuver last night?

The one where I moved an entire living-room set...

...from one lawn to the other...

...or the one where I downed a 64-ounce blue slushie in 10 minutes?

Juno, did you by any chance barf in my urn?

You know that nice urn by the door? The one I got up in Stillwater?

There was some blue shit... I mean gunk... Stuff in there this morning.

I would never barf in your urn, Brenda.

I mean, maybe L.B. did it.

Liberty Bell, put one more Bac-O on that potato, I'm gonna kick your monkey butt.

All babies want to get borned! All babies want to get borned!

All babies want to get borned!

Hey, Su-Chin.

Oh, hi, Juno. How are you?

You know, pretty solid.

So did you write that paper for Worth's class yet?

No, not yet.

I tried to work on it last night, but I'm having trouble concentrating.

Oh, well, I'll sell you some of my Adderall.

No, thanks. I'm off pills.

That's a wise choice, because I knew this girl, she had this crazy freak-out...

...because she took too many meds at once...

...and she just ripped off her clothes, dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall...

...and was like, "I am a kraken from the sea!"

I heard that was you.

Well, it's good seeing you, Su-Chin.

Your baby probably has a beating heart, you know.

It can feel pain.

And it has fingernails!

Fingernails? Really?

Welcome to Women Now, where women are trusted friends.

Please put your hands where I can see them and surrender any bombs.

Hey, I'm here for the big show.

Your name, please?

Juno MacGuff.

She thinks I'm using a fake name, like Gene Simmons or Mother Teresa.

I need you to fill these out, and don't skip the hairy details.

We need to know about every score and every sore.

Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry.

No, I'm off sex right now.

My boyfriend uses them every time we have intercourse.

They make his junk smell like pie.

All babies want to get borned! All babies want to...

God appreciates your miracle!

Dude, what are you doing here? I'm supposed to come get you at 4.

I couldn't do it, Leah. It smelled like a dentist's office in there.

And there were horrible magazines with water stains.

The receptionist tried to get me to take condoms that look like grape suckers...

...and just babbling away about her frigging boyfriend's pie balls.

And Su-Chin was there. And she was like, "Oh, hi. Babies have fingernails."

Fingernails.