Everybody Loves Raymond

- Hey. - Hey, how was the game?

It was good. Yeah. Knicks finally won.

The twins loved it. Oh, and their new buddy, Chris there...

he's my new favorite of their friends. Yeah.

Hello, Chris, goodbye Spencer.

That's great. So where are the boys?

They're gonna hitchhike home from the strip club.

Nah, they took Chris next door. They're shooting hoops.

Who is this Chris? Have I met him?

Oh, he's adorable. His dad works at the school.

Oh, yeah? What subject does he teach?

He's not a teacher. Actually, he's the custodian.

Oh, really? I didn't know that.

- Ah, that's funny. - Why?

No no. 'Cause, uh...

we were eating peanuts and I looked down,

and little Chris had all the shells on his lap.

And I said, "Hey, Chris, you can throw those on the floor.

That's what they pay the janitor for."

- Oh! - Oh my God!

- Raymond, how could you? - What?

Oh my God, Ray, what are you thinking?

That poor boy must be devastated.

I think that's sick.

No no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Everybody calm down. I didn't devastate anybody.

It was totally fine. It was a joke.

The kid laughed, he... he threw his shells on the floor.

And then we watched the game and we all lived happily ever after.

Raymond, you're a lovely boy,

but this is why sometimes when you talk,

my heart goes into my throat.

I agree 100%, Ma,

except for the "lovely boy" part.

I've tried to teach you. You should know

that words could hurt people.

That's right, Raymond!

No one's talking to you, Robert.

You're such a busybody.

I'm telling you the kid was fine.

Mom's out of her mind.

Yeah, well, be that as it may,

you've done it again.

My heart goes out to the boy.

Will you stop it? I was just being funny.

I beg to differ.

You say things

that nobody likes.

Just like that time with your parents.

What are you talking about?

Well, remember how you saw the little Jesus figurine

on their dashboard,

and you said to them,

"I guess this must be a hard car to make out in"?

Well, I mean...

the guy's looking right at ya.

Ray, it can't always be the other person's fault

when they don't get you.

But this thing with the kid was funny.

I'm telling you, he laughed.

Yeah yeah. You see, if he laughed,

it was the uneasy chuckle

of a terrified young child...

having to spend the afternoon

with a very mean and unfunny man.

I bet when you make out in the car, that Jesus weeps.

Hi, kids. Hey, Chris! Hi!

Chris, I want you to meet to boys' Uncle Robert

and Aunt Amy.

Hi, Chris.

How are you doing, buddy?

Good.

- Let's go upstairs, you guys. - Yeah.

You guys go have fun.

I mean... I mean, go have more fun

'cause we had a lot of fun today, didn't we, guys?

Obviously traumatized.

Oh. Stop it, huh? Look at him.

How soon you forget your own past, Raymond.

How about all the time

we had to laugh at Dad's horrible puberty jokes?

He had to make jokes. You went through puberty at six.

You stole that line from Dad!

Come on, Amy, we're getting the paper

and moving far far away from jack-ass lane!

I'll still visit.

What?

Don't look at me.

They think you did something wrong

and they gotta bring Jesus into it. Right?

Hi, I'm Chris' dad, George Buckner.

Oh. Oh hey, I'm Ray.

Hi hi hi.

Come on in.

I know I'm a little early, but I figured you probably had enough of him.

Oh, never. He was a pleasure.

- In fact, we'll keep him. - Ha ha ha.

Okay, but no givesies-backsies.

- Hey, how was the game? - Oh, they had a blast. Yeah.

It was a real treat for Chris. This was his first Knicks game.

- Yeah. Well, good. - Mmm.

Ray, why don't you go up and tell Chris his dad is here?

Can I get you something?

No, I'll get him something to drink.

You can go upstairs. Go ahead. It's okay.

I can do things.

Yeah. Come on. Come on in.

Hey. Can I give you something for today?

Oh, no no. I get the tickets for free.

Oh, it's okay, but I've been to the movies with him...

he can eat forty bucks worth of candy.

Oh, well, consider his stomachache my gift.

That's funny.

Yeah, funny, right?

Yeah yeah.

- You know what else is funny? - No.

You know, uh uh... at one point,

Chris started eating peanuts, and I looked down,

and he's not throwing the shells away.

He's got all of them on his lap.

So I say to him, "Hey, Chris, you can throw those on the floor.

That's what they pay the janitor for."

Ha ha! Yeah yeah.

And then he laughed. He kinda laughed hard.

And then he took his shells

and he put them on the floor real gently.

So I guess you got him trained really good at home.

Uh, it was just kind of a...

a... a simple remark, you know?

A "hey-throw-your-nuts- on-the-floor-ha-ha" remark.

Yeah... yeah.

It was funny. It was funny.

He's funny... Chris.

You know, he's my favorite friend of the kids'.

- Okay. - Yeah.

You know what else is funny? I didn't know...

I didn't know that that was your...

that... that... that's your...

craft.

- Hi, Dad. - Hey, buddy. Let's go.

Listen, Chris. It was great having you.

We'll have to do it again sometime.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

That's a polite kid. Yeah yeah.

Any time, Chris.

Take it easy.

Yeah. And it was nice meeting you...

mister!

I'll see ya, Chris!

You're my new favorite friend of the kids'!

Next time before I take a kid to a game,

would it kill you to tell me

what his father does for a living?

What did you do?

Either I'm not telling that Chris story perfectly,

or... or his father's a little sensitive.

You told him what you said?!

Why the hell would you do that?!

To show... to show you that it's just a funny story

and that anybody would be fine with it.

And is he fine with it?

I'm not always right!

Ray, I was worried that Chris would tell him.

I never thought that you'd go

and commit hara-kiri.

Well, I didn't mean anything by it.

He's sensitive. You'd think a janitor would be tougher.

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop saying that!

You have to realize you said a horrible thing,

and you are not a funny person.

I know!

Good. Good.

When you take the kids to school tomorrow,

you'll go down to that furnace room

and apologize to Chris' dad.

All right.

Hi!

I think Chris left his retainer here.

I'm sure it's upstairs. Go on up, Chris.

Come on in. Come. Come in.

Can l... can I get you something?

Maybe, uh, some ginger ale or pretzels?

No, thanks.

Listen, I hope you didn't get upset or...

or... or angry about the thing I said before,

about the thing I said... at the game?

Let's just forget it.

'Cause he would never say anything

to hurt yours or Chris' or anybody's feelings.

Hey, I'm doing it!

It's okay.

No, it's not okay. It's not.

Come here, please. Just sit down for one minute.

One minute, please. Go ahead.

Just... just sit down, please.

Please please please.

You know...

you know what happened?

L... I wasn't thinking.

So... so I'm sorry that I was a little insensitive.