The Cleveland Show

And a roll of quarters.

It's laundry day.

Let's go!

: Drop your weapons!

No...!

Stay with us, Cleveland!

The hat...

Please tell me they saved the hat.

All right... quickly... I need his medical information.

What's his blood type?

I think, maybe A-positive?

: B-negative.

Does he take any medications? I don't think so.

What? No meds.

I take nine pills a day.

Is he allergic to penicillin?

Uh, I'm gonna say... no.

Wait. I'm extremely allergic...

Sweet greens and histamines!

Help. Throat closing.

Sound like old jazz musician.

I still can't believe a van crashed into you

at 70 miles an hour, and you only broke your thumb.

Stop changing the subject!

What's important here

is that you know absolutely nothing about me.

Look at this!

The only thing you knew was my name.

And you spelled it wrong!

It's not C-L-E-A...?

C-L-E-V-E-L-A-N-D!

Really? Just like the city?

Yes!

Why? Were you born there?

I was conceived during the seventh-inning-stretch

of an Indians game.

Ask me anything about you.

Blood type: O-positive.

Bra size: 36B and D.

Favorite food: cool ranch.

Cleveland, the reason you love me

isn't because I know every little thing about you.

The reason you love me is because I'm... Donna.

What? Let's be honest.

You pursued me for 25 years.

And all through those years, you kept your eyes on the prize.

I was your prize, Cleveland.

And you won me. Well...

You don't need me to know your likes and dislikes,

your shoe size, or which medications might kill you.

I am the Sun,

and you're the Moon revolving around me.

Doesn't the Moon revolve around the Earth?

I'll tell you what the Moon doesn't do,

The Moon doesn't question the Sun.

Stupid fathead.

Thinks he's an astronaut or cosmonaut. Shoot.

Donna really takes me for granted,

and it's starting to piss me off.

Ooh! Check out the hardwood floors!

It says they're all original.

Peg and groove. Gorgeous.

You know what else is gorgeous?

Touring open houses with no intent to buy.

But with... intent to dream.

Mm-hmm. Damn straight, my friend. Yeah.

No, you said it.

I mean, there I was, needing medical attention,

and she didn't know my blood type...B-negative.

What I'm allergic to...

Penicillin and water chestnuts. Duh.

Or which medications I take.

Zyrtec, Prevacid, Lamisil, Lunesta,

Xanax, Celebrex, Flomax and HGH.

And as of Thursday, Lipitor.

Trying to get my cholesterol down to the 300s.

Recessed shower bench.

That's where I'd live.

That... is where I'd live.

Huh. Hey, Cleveland,

there's a photo of you over here.

In other words, there's a photo of some black guy.

Possibly a dark-skinned Latino.

No, this one's definitely you.

Hot damn! You're right.

Hey, there's more.

Oh. Oh, my goodness.

I cannot take a bad picture.

You've got a stalker.

I've never seen this from the other side.

Oh... my... God!

I've got a stalker!

: Somebody's obsessed with me!

Take that, Donna!

Do you gentlemen have any questions? Yes.

What's the current owner's name,

so I can rub it in my wife's face?

Oh, I'm sorry,

I'm not allowed to disclose that information

unless you're buying the house.

I see.

We'll take it.

Congratulations, gentlemen,

on your new home.

Now if you'll just sign these closing papers...

Aha! Patricia Donner.

The seller's name is Patricia Donner!

We will not be buying the house after all, thank you.

What?! Why?

We broke up.

You know, we probably could've just Googled the address.

Google? What, are we making up words now?

Why don't we just fleeble-flobble

down to the jim-jam, Tim?

Bad bear.

Cleveland! I have news.

Apparently, I'm someone's prize, too.

A real, live woman by the name of Patricia Donner.

What? Patricia Donner?

You mean "Fatty Patty" from back in high school?

I knew that name sounded familiar.

La chica...

STUDENTS (in unison): La chica...

es gorda.

Es gorda.

Tiene...

Tiene...

los "back boobs."

Los "back boobs."

What's she saying?

I'm completely lost.

Well, I think it's great that you're a prize to Fatty Patty,

since everybody knows fat girls are oh, so choosy.

What's so funny? Is Nurse Jackie on?

I don't have to sit here and take this.

I'm going to go hang out at Patty's, where I'm appreciated.

I bet you he's gonna cry.

Yep. He cryin'.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is your obese mother home?

Cleveland? It's me, Patty.

The hell it is!

CLEVELAND (grunts): Oh.

Fell off the porch.

Sorry, if it seemed forward,

but I had to give that recessed shower bench a test drive.

And let me say, "Wow."

Normally I get all winded during my showers, but not today!

So...

you saw the photos I have of you.

I swear I'm not a stalker.

Oh, sure. That's what my last stalker said.

Then she killed herself on our doorstep.

I'm just kidding.

She's on the Today show now.

Stay away from me, Hoda.

Hey, killer tat.

You got ink.

Yeah, I've been thinking about getting inked up with some tats.

Ink tats, the coolest kind.

It's a hot-air balloon.

They're kind of my thing, ever since I was a kid.

I guess because I was overweight,

I liked the idea of being, well, lighter than air, you know?

Hmph. God, I sound like such a dork.

Because you like balloons?

Ha! Then I guess the movie Up is a dork. Not!

It was a very successful motion picture.

Oh, Cleveland, seeing you takes me back to tenth grade.

High school must have been tough for a girl of your...

circumference.

You were the only one who was nice to me back then.

When those kids stole my bike,

you gave me a dime, so I could call for a ride home.

Ha! Remember pay phones?

Those were the days.

I mean, where would Superman change now?

Inside a little tiny cellular phone? (laughs)

No way, he'd have to be way too small. Wouldn't work.

Oh, and God, I was so... into you.

I never missed a broadcast of that controversial pirate radio station

you ran out of your basement.

No one gets us, you know?