New Girl

Well, this is the last of Robby's stuff.

How you doing with the breakup? Really well,

since we're related,

and all the laws of nature say we should not be together.

If you guys need me today,

I'll be in my room rearranging my furniture

so it no longer resembles a place

where I made out with my cousin.

Third cousin.

Still. Ugh,

barely better. Ew.

Don't normalize it, Jess. Ugh.

You're right, you're right.

Ugh.

Hey, Nick. Are you wearing

your running bottoms and your hoodie?

Nick, are you going running?

Have fun.

Oh, my God. What is wrong with Nick, Reagan?

Yeah, what happened? Are you guys okay?

Nick is going for a run.

If anything, we should be asking what is right with Nick.

He only goes running if he's upset.

And he's wearing his sad hoodie.

And by the looks of it, it's been washed,

which is bone-chilling.

He's fine. Everything's okay.

I just passed Nick on the street running,

on purpose!

Oh, my God!

Maybe I was wrong.

Nick!

Are you okay?!

I see you!

And I love you!

In my defense, no one here emotes in a normal way.

That's fair. Nick!

How's the boba?

It's fine.

Why are you making so much eye contact with us?

Oh, you're gonna ask us for something, aren't you?

This boba is a metaphor.

Aly is the tapioca pearl to my milky matcha,

each made better by the unlikely presence of the other.

I think you know what I'm saying...

We have absolutely no idea. I haven't known what you've been saying

for three and a half years.

I'm asking Aly to marry me.

What?! Whoa! Yeah,

yeah. (chuckles) Oh, my gosh!

Winston. My man! Yeah.

Yes.

And I'm gonna need your help with the process.

Now, keep this between us. I am only telling you two.

Yeah, we won't say a word. Yeah. Whatever you need.

Meet me at the bar in one hour, okay?

Look fresh.

We'll discuss details. I'm gonna need you for the entire day.

We're with you. Yes. Little Winnie is growing up.

First he's a husband and then maybe one day

he could be a father...

One day? (chuckles) I am a father.

It's a cat, Winston.

He's my blood.

I am never gonna figure him out.

I feel like I found a forest baby,

and I don't know when it's hungry or in pain

or afraid of the kitchen light.

I know. (chuckles) Nick is just an enigma

wrapped up in a bunch of Chicago Bears crap.

You need the help of a seasoned vet.

Come in!

Hey, Nick.

Hey. You feeling upset

about something? No.

I'm just eating edamame.

Give me the cup.

They taste so bad. That's what I thought.

I submitted The Pepperwood Chronicles

to a publishing company, and I got the rejection letter today.

My career is over.

No, it's not. Nick, someday you'll be talking

to a reanimated Oprah about that book.

Have you talked to Reagan about this?

I bet she'd be awesome to talk to.

No, I am too embarrassed.

Nick, she's your girlfriend. You have to let her in.

Don't just keep her in the perfect front room.

Okay. Let her in the back, with the weird rooms

and the-the dead bulbs and the wet walls.

All right, but I'm not letting her go anywhere near my crawl space.

I don't think you should let anyone near your crawl space.

Well, some people have to go to the crawl space to clean out the boxes.

Who cleans out the boxes?

Significant other.

What are you talking about?

Hey. I have the scoop.

Nick's book got rejected, and he's really embarrassed.

So now the baton...

to you.

You own an actual baton?

It was Robby's.

He was really into competitive male twirling.

I have so many questions...

No.

First, thank you

for coming to this very special event.

Might I just add that everyone looks fresh.

Now, when Aly gets here, I am going to suggest an activity

for the four of us to do.

Then I'll gracefully back out,

leaving the two of you to distract her as I prepare for...

the show.

Ooh, I got a scream and nowhere to put it.

Ooh, this is exciting.

Now, at an undisclosed time, I will place a call to Aly,

informing her that my car has broken down in Malibu,

where I'll be waiting with a beautiful and glorious picnic

right next to her favorite plant...

the common cactus.

Here comes that scream. Oh, my God, Oh,

there she is. I'm screaming already. Aly!

Hey. Hey, hey. Hey. Hey, hey.

Hi.

Strange energy, guys.

We all had

bubbly water. It made us giggle.

What's up? What's up? What's up? Hi. Hello.

What's up? Hi. Hello.

Hello.

Anyway, uh, Schmidt and Cece asked us

to help paint their house.

Paint our house? Paint the house.

Remember? That's the activity for all of us to do.

You know, 'cause you wanted... you wanted... Paint the house.

Paint the house. Yes, we... did.

Even though the majority of our house is already painted.

We wanted our best friends to finish it.

Not professionals. Like, uh... like our new home

was some tree house in a Little League baseball movie.

I mean, I-I've never done it before, but...

Sounds like a yes to me.

Aw, snap, just remembered,

I can't make it.

Uh, uh, boo. Uh... (exhales)

Yeah. Boy, that's a bummer.

Shock. Shoot. So fast.

Ugh. But, you know,

boo.

What up, boy in the hood?

I thought you were gonna talk to Reagan.

I tried, but she's been on her phone all day

like a grandpa who missed a package.

Like... "Hel..." I'm not even gonna do it.

Yes. Thank you so much. We will be there. Thanks.

Nick, I know that dumb publisher rejected your book.

And, guess what, that publisher can go to hell.

After you beat them to death with this baton

that I weirdly still have.

Because you don't need a publisher.

You need a girlfriend who found a bookstore

to sell Pepperwood.

Seriously? That's amazing.

That's amazing! I called all over and I finally found one.

Reagan saved the day!

You're amazing. That's right.

All we need is, uh,

30 copies of the book. Oh, well, we can make them.

I mean, it'll be hard,

but we could do it.

We could do it. We'll make 'em ourselves.

Fantastic. Uh, we just need 'em by tonight

for his big reading.

Excuse me, did you say "big..."

a big reading tonight?

Yeah. Well, that

sounds... public.

Well, I mean, he's got to do a reading

to sell the book. Is that bad?

Is that bad? No, it's good. I get...

I get to do a reading tonight in front of people.

Yeah. I get to read in front

of a bunch of people who are gonna judge me.

This is not bad. This is good.

This is... (exhales) See, this is

another thing that Nick does when he's upset.

At least he's not running.

So you want me to read in front of people. You want me to read

in front of living people...

: who are there to hear me read.

And how will I... how will I even know what to read?

You're gonna read your book. I'll read my book. Fine. This is good. I'm fine.

Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Oh, I feel like my heart

is pumping out scalding hot toilet water. See,

a vivid description like that is gonna make the audience go wild.

Ah, the audience! I just forgot the audience,

and now I remember the audience.

I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't do it.

All right, here it is... The Pepperwood Chronicles.

I made a prototype.