Office Killer

At Constant Consumer Magazine...

...there is but one constant rule:

Get the job done.

This can be hazardous, however, when the laws of economics

affect our workplace And threaten to downsize us.

For those of you who cannot...

...keep pace with such changes, be forewarned:

You will be terminated.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

- Hi. Is she there? - Yeah.

- You saw her? - Yeah.

And today's the big day.

- What have you heard? - What?

You heard anything?

Oh, everybody's been sayin' a third,

but today, I'm talkin' to Janice,

- She tells me she heard half. - Did she? She's wrong.

Hold on. Constant consumer, hold, please?

Can you believe that?

Half? It's a massacre.

Norah, shut the door. I've got a 4:00 with Ted and Naomi.

Go ahead and distribute them on your way out.

No. You crawl out there and do the dirty work, Virginia.

I'm the one dragging this magazine out of the stone age.

You'd be out of business if it wasn't for me. Mm-mm.

Norah, I never crawl.

And you're spitting germs in my face.

Now, listen, sweetie.

Just because you know...

...a thing or two about computers and office downsizing,

...that doesn't mean that you know SHIT...

about running a magazine.

Now take a few drops of echinacea goldenseal.

It'll knock that cold right out of you,

and then get out there and drop the axe!

Dorine!

Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Uh, Kate thought that, of course, you would know...

...the proper use of...

...third paragraph?

- "Which." - What?

"Which" is correct, not "that,"

and there's a split infinitive in sentence two, paragraph one.

Wow! Thanks, Dorine.

Hey, tramp, get over here.

Daniel called.

- Oh. - What's with you?

I think I'm getting your cold, thank you,

...and the nicotine queen...

...is making me do all the dirty work.

First of all, it's not my cold. It's Gary's.

And it's you who wanted this big job,

...so buck up, baby.

- Don't touch me. - Oh, get over it!

- Nice eye shadow, clumpy. - Nice suit.

Oh.

Research has been decimated. They've got three full-timers left.

Everybody else has been bumped to freelance,

- ...and Norah is wa— - Excuse me?

Gee, what you got there, Norah?

What is this?

Ah, it's all the downsizing information.

Here are the memos about benefit adjustments,

...schedules of times and dates of home office installations...

...and then there are a bunch of...

These to hand out, if you want to.

Or if you want me to, I...

Be my guest.

Fine. Kate Stein?

So, Virginia couldn't even tell us in person?

Do… Dorine Douglas.

All right, everybody, they haven't fired us yet.

We're just gonna be part-time now.

So let's get back to work.

There you are, Mr. Landau.

Thank you, Dori.

- This is… - Oven cleaners.

Great. Okay.

You know what? This has to go back to...

...the writers and editorial.

- Do you mind making copies? - Not at all, sir.

- Oh, uh, Dorine-- - Yes, sir?

You probably wanna look at this.

Oh, thank you.

- Ms. Davis. - Douglas.

- Ms. Davis. - Douglas, Douglas.

Uh, well, I've got an— I've got an extra jacket...

at my desk, if you want?

Oh. Here, here, here, here.

Here. Wipe that stuff off. It's probably toxic.

- Thank you. - Here.

Look, Norah. No one ever said you were gonna to be popular...

After you joined the firing squad, so get over it already.

That's the price for promotion.

Didn't that fancy college teach you anything?

And you, you should be thanking me.

Otherwise you'd be here all night, looking at...

...this stressed-out little face.

I am not stressed out, Kim.

You people should thank me you still have your jobs.

- "You people"? - Lighten up, hon.

You still have your job, don't you?

I saw that Dorine woman on my way out.

She was wrecked.

Oh, please! That freaky little mouse?

Oh, she's so weird! It's like her whole life...

...just revolves around her work,

and her not-so-secret crush on Mr. Landau.

- It's pathetic. - Excuse me, guys.

I'm here too. How about celebrating the...

...fact that I will be in the office tomorrow?

You're gonna be in the office tomorrow?

I have computer inventory...

And then three home unit installations a day.

- Norah's my new boss. - Oh, well, that's convenient.

So now that you're so rich, buy me a drink.

Oh. What time is it?

Oh, man.

Oh, Christ.

Hey.

Hey, Jumbo. There you go.

There you go. Okay.

All righty.

I'll try anything to bring Helen back.

- Dorine! - I'm coming.

Mom, I'm coming.

I'm coming now to make tea!

Oh, Dorine!

You know I don't like the cats up here.

You're just like your father. I have to repeat everything.

This is all my fault.

- You mustn't blame yourself. - You stay there

You couldn't have known this would happen.

- I need you to be strong now. - Oh, leave that on!

I love them.

- Jeevis and Buffy Dee. - Mmm.

...actual chef of the famous bistro français...

...right here in our own studio...

I'm gonna get to watch them a lot more now, mama.

...stay to join the culinary fun. Sounds delicious!

We'll travel with our favorite travel correspondent, Linda Lou,

...and visit the exotic...

I'm going to be working at home now, mama.

Oh, Dori! We'll be able to spend more time together?

...make one in your own kitchen!

And, you know, this old house could use some work.

...the smile of the day drawing...

Buffy Dee, let's spin the random winner selection barrel.

And the winner of the smile of the day drawing,

- ...who will leave the show today... - Don't forget to leave my chair on.

It is true that to live inside a warm and nurturing environment...

...is everybody's dream, but as we grow up, we also...

...need to experience independence and adventure.

That is the key to a successful mother-daughter relationship.

Good morning, Kim. Thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry I didn't stay last night.

Yeah, me too.

What?

Excuse me.

Oh, I hate her.

All right, gang, my laptop maintenance article is finally in the system.

I need this back tonight, so chop-chop.

Come on, Gary, what do you think this is, McDonald's or something?

Look, it's the cover story. If I'm not mistaken,

...this is what we do for a living?

So who gets it?

This may come as a shock to you, but...

...the copy department does not work for you.

We're supposed to coexist around here with a modicum of mutual respect.

Fine, whatever. My heart is bursting with fraternal goodwill.

I love you all, okay?

Get away from me, and don't kiss anybody.

Half the office has your cold as it is, myself included.

I gotta get this back tonight, please.

You don't know when to let up, do you?

The future is here at last.

Actually, this is an old future.

This stuff was cutting edge like two years ago.

Shh! Not so loud, Daniel. This stuff is just fine.

Most of them are practically computer illiterate anyway.

- Whatever you say. - So, who's the first victim?

We have, first, Kate, then Steve...

I have to visit that woman, Dorine Douglas.

Oh, your new best friend.

Daniel, you should go.

All right, see ya.

Bye, honey. Feel better.

Thank you.

- Oh, Daniel, catch! - Jesus, Norah.

Sorry. Don't forget to turn it on in case I need you.

Okay.

You took the computer tutorial, right, Dorine?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

This isn't a problem, is it?

No, sir, not at all.

Okay.

Now, if you run into any snags,

- ...the manual is very useful. - Mm.