Wizards of Waverly Place

Oh, we respect her. It's you we don't respect.

Anyhoo...

See, we don't respect you, 'cause you say things like that.

Oh, yay. I'm in the Wizards' Lair,

or as I like to call it, "the garage sale that never happened."

OK, guys, now listen up.

Dad wants me to teach the lesson today

while he's away at the No Wizard Left Behind Conference.

So, let's get this over with. OK, uh...

What is wizard wear?

Max.

Alex is on my side of the bench.

You don't own the bench, Max.

That side, I do.

You are being childish!

Don't make me stand up!

That's it. I quit!

Justin, it's all yours.

She, uh, lasted a lot longer than Dad said she would.

Today, we continue with magical wizard garments.

Having covered...

...armor, we move on to sportswear.

This is a speed shirt,

it gives you supersonic speed.

Does it grow your hair really long?

Speed shirt.

Now watch how fast I can run into the sub shop,

make a sandwich and come back.

OK. Ready?

Done!

No way.

Yes way.

Wow.

You forgot the cheese.

Oh! Hang on.

Is that enough cheese for you? I think so.

Nice.

OK. Item two...

It's called a "Night Cap."

Whoever wears it falls asleep instantly.

Well, are you going to keep teaching?

'Cause I wanna be asleep for that. Hand it over.

Oh, I'm tempted, but then you wouldn't know about these.

Smarty Pants.

They give whoever wears them superior knowledge on anything

and everything there is to know.

I'd put them on, but I'm already smarter than them.

Ooh, you're smarter than pants. Good for you.

Now pay attention while I read off

some of the possible side effects of keeping

the pants on too long. Side effects may be:

Headache, nausea, rash, chronic giggling, belly-button bubbles,

"say it don't spray it" disease,

tongue reversal, ear gas, sweaty knees,

Picasso face, problems with the bowel...

All right, lesson's over. Come on, Max.

I think I'm gonna stay

- and draw on his face. - OK, cool.

* Well you know everything's gonna be a breeze *

* And the end will no doubt, justify the means *

* You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease *

* Yes please But you might find out it'll go to your head *

* When you write a report on a book you never read *

* With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed *

* That's what I said *

* Everything is not what it seems *

* When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams *

* You might run into trouble if you go to extremes *

* Because everything is not what it seems *

* Everything is not what it seems *

* When you can have what you want by the simplest of means *

* Be careful not to mess with the balance of things *

* Because everything is not... *

* What it seems *

Alfred, the plan was, if you're going to be ref,

you wouldn't have thrown me out of the game.

Hey, when I put this shirt on, the friendship goes away.

Hey, look at the line for the water fountain.

Oh, wow.

Hey, Zeke, what's with the line? Are the other ones broken?

Nope. The water that comes out of this one is the best in the school.

I don't get it. Water is water.

I beg to differ. This water is delicious.

Excuse me, sheriff's in town.

Step away from the watering hole.

Now that is some fine H-2-0.

If I could figure out a way to bottle this stuff,

I could make a fortune.

You can bottle it.

Alfred, don't bother me. I'm thinking.

Hey, Alex. Are you as excited as I am about the Tribeca Quiz Bowl?

Oh, my gosh! No!

You're excited.

Who wouldn't be? It's an academic decathlon.

And when I take my team to victory,

people are gonna know me as Harper,

the girl who's got the brains,

and not just Harper, the girl who's the fashion dynamo.

Harper, if you want people to notice that you're smart,

you might want to wear a little less produce.

That's not gonna happen.

Papayas just came into season.

Well, I'd like to be known as Alex,

the girl who doesn't care what she's known as.

- You are known as that. - I don't care.

See? It looked like I really didn't care there for a second. It was good.

Oh my gosh, there's Dean. I hope he knows me.

Dean Moriarty?

You don't want to know him.

I hear he plays with firecrackers.

Dean Moriarty.

I was wondering if you could be a good little kemo sabe

and rustle up some students to help gussy up the gym

for the big Quiz Bowl this year.

You gotta slow down, Mr. Laritate.

I'm only in my first semester of cowboy.

All right, Dean. You and your whole posse are all on set-up patrol.

Hey, setting up might be all right. What time should we be there?

What? You'll do it?

That was a lasso toss in the dark.

I'll meet you at 3:00.

Moriarty, you're turning into a citizen.

Looks like I'll be helping set up the gym for Quiz Bowl this year.

Why do I have a feeling you're just doing that to get to know Dean?

'Cause I'm making it pretty obvious.

- Hey, Dean. - What's up, Russo?

- Yeah, what's up, Russo? - She's cool.

She's cool. She's cool. Clear some space.

So, um, I hear you're setting up the gym for Quiz Bowl this year.

That's kind of my thing, maybe we should talk about that

and see how it's going to work. Wanna thumb wrestle for it?

Cute.

Oh, I know.

Most chicks don't like to get down and dirty with how things work.

They usually just make posters and gossip.

Really? 'Cause it sounds like you're gossiping about chicks right now.

I'll be setting up the big boy stuff.

I'll get you some cardboard and you can make yourself a poster.

So, uh, Dean, what are you thinking?

I think I'm setting up for the Quiz Bowl with Russo

while you guys are making posters.

Got it, Dean.

Guys, we get to make posters!

Yeah!

- Whatcha doin'? - What's it look like I'm doing?

- I'm making a pizza. - Watch it.

I own sarcasm and didn't give you permission to use it.

Cute.

Get used to it.

OK, so, um, what do you want me to do?

You can finish wiring the last buzzer for me. - OK.

Green goes to red goes to blue, goes to blue-red goes to green-red goes to blue-green.

Uh, OK, I missed all of that. But, yeah, I'll figure it out. It's good.

Oh, hey, Harper. Nice headband. Are those real grapes?

No. The real grapes didn't survive the washing machine.

But you know what?

It took this...

...to figure out this.

Yes, it did, Harper.

Do you mind if my team practices our buzzer technique?

Let me just hook this up first.

And... Oh, that looks pretty. OK.

All right, Team Maroon... ready positions!

This dangerous South American spider

is often found in boxes of exported fruit, particularly bananas.

Does anyone else's hair feel hot?

What's happening?

Don't look at me, I'm a girl. I was just making posters.

Thank you very much, Alex.

Nellie dropped out of the Quiz Bowl.

That whole buzzer accident freaked her out.

Oh, waa waa. She looks better with her hair up anyway.

Maybe if you weren't so concerned with getting to know Dean,

you would've hooked the wires up the right way.

Now, now, don't go blaming Dean, I would've jacked that up anyway.

And besides, can't you just get someone to fill in for Nellie?

No. Everyone in school is already on their teams, so we have to forfeit.

Justin's team is probably gonna win now.

Now I'll never get a new reputation.

It's really hard being known just as the glamour girl.

I wish you were smart, then you could fill in for Nellie.

I am smart.

- I'm street smart. - But not book smart.

I am, too, book smart.

Sure, I don't read books, but I hollow them out and hide things in them.

Hey, Harper. Heard about Nellie's little, uh, "accident."

Thank you, Alex. - Yeah, nice work. Way to zap the competition.

Hey, just because you're winning through "forfeit,"

doesn't mean you really win. That's not a satisfying victory.

Oh, well, I'm pretty satisfied, how about you Zeke?

I'm very satisfied, thanks for asking.

- Miss me high and hit me low. - That's what I'm talking about.

Oh!

Well, guess what? You tools didn't win.

Harper's team doesn't have to forfeit because I just joined it.

You? Come on, Alex. You got a "D" in lunch.

Ooh! Ouch! Fly it by and hit me high!

Oh!

Oh, please.