BoJack Horseman

Nothing's lonelier than a party.

Good thing I don't need anyone or I might feel lonesome.

- Watch your six. - I'd rather watch your six.

Hmm.

- What the hell? - Cut!

Come on, guys. Pay attention. The squib didn't fire.

- What did I do? - Not you. Squib. Squib.

- The squib. - I don't need any help. Thank you.

- You're doing great, BoJack. - Yeah?

And I did a great job watching you, which is most of what producing is.

We're doing it, buddy! First day!

Listen, I still have some questions about my character,

and the script, and the show, and you asking me to do this show,

- and me saying, "Yes". - Hey, can we get rid of Philbert's watch?

The network doesn't want us to remind the audience

about the existence of clocks.

And why we're making a TV show for What-Time-Is-It-Right-Now-dot-com,

which is a website for people who don't know their computers

already have built-in clocks at the corner of the screen?

All your questions will be answered.

But in the meantime, would it kill you to smile?

Dierdre! I should have known!

Just like a bitch to shoot me in the heart, bitch.

Good thing I carry this flask full of my dead wife's blood around.

And, cut.

Hey, Flip. Can I ask why I'm calling her a bitch twice?

The first bitch is her. The second bitch is your heart.

Okay, you know, I have some questions about my character.

- I have two minutes. - Okay, well, my first question is...

- BoJack Horseman... - Oh, jeez. Here we go.

...and Mr. Peanutbutter on the same studio backlot?

- One sec... - What is this?

- A mismatched buddy comedy... - No.

...about two guys from different sides of the tracks

who learn to respect each other because they have a common interest?

- Who's this guy? - Ignore him. Why...

And a grudging respect blossoms into real friendship

as they set aside their differences to achieve a shared goal...

- Stop it. - ...each bringing their own strength

to the table, and possibly there's a karaoke scene?

Why does John Philbert's house look the same as my house?

I've never been to your house.

The set was designed to reflect Detective Philbert.

Spare, lonely, precariously balanced on a hill of his own isolation.

It kind of looks like David Boreanaz's house.

The set designer actually took a tour there.

Oh, that's very interesting.

Why are you here?

I'm playing Julius Caesar on the stage next door, in a movie!

Well, it's a short film.

- I gotta run. - Wait!

I'll see you next time I'm Roman around the lot!

- Flip, when can we talk? - Tomorrow morning.

- Hi. - Hey.

Yikes, was that it? You done?

Wow.

Sorry, I can't do you.

I'm too distracted, I'd just do a bad job.

You know your own body better than me anyway so just go to town.

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Wait, Gina. Can I ask you a question, about you?

Uh-huh?

Do you think I'm right, and the Philbert character is poorly written,

and Flip needs to write him better, so I don't look so bad?

Look, I do one of these shows every year.

And I keep getting hired because I show up, do the work,

and keep my head down.

But do you love this script? Do you love your character?

Do I love Internal Affairs Director Sassy Malone,

whose primary character traits are that she hates bras

and loves cold rooms?

Not especially. It feels gratuitous and male-gazey.

But it pays for my expensive habit of having a mortgage

- in Southern California. - You don't have to go.

We could hang out.

I'm sure you don't wanna be all alone in a house by yourself.

No, I love being alone. I wish I were alone right now.

Huh.

BoJack? Why are you up?

I could ask you the same question.

Now you're in college you don't need to sleep anymore?

No, I was sleeping.

You called me and woke me up.

Oh, right.

I wanted you to know that I hearted your Instagram photo.

Okay, cool.

Well, there were 23 other hearts.

But I don't know if you know who they're all from, but one was from me.

Yeah, they let me know.

Oh, cool, cool.

Okay, I'm going back to sleep.

Fine, but this phone call does not replace our weekly Sunday call. Okay?

Yeah, I'll talk to you Sunday afternoon.

Yes. Good. Because I miss you.

Sorry, that sounded dumb. I don't miss you, I'm just bored.

- That also sounded dumb. - I miss you too, BoJack.

Good morning, lovebugs!

Don't mind me, just passing through! Not sneaking a peek at the lovebugs!

There's nothing to see that would embarrass any of us.

- We are all fully clothed. - Ha-ha. If you say so!

What are you gonna do while I'm at work all day?

There's an old frog who lives down in the L.A. River.

He owes me an egg salad sandwich, on account of a caper we once went on.

- What? - I was gonna see if he wants

to make instruments out of shoeboxes and rubber bands.

And, uh, that will satisfy you?

When your life is ends, and you're looking back at this day,

you'll think that was a good day?

Yeah?

Well, from your preliminary paperwork you seem like a perfect candidate.

Thanks, I just never thought it would be like this.

I mean, my mom popped out kids by the dozen. And I can't even...

Mnh-mnh. Princess Carolyn, is your name Cutie Cutie Cupcake?

- No, that's... - Were you born on August 12th, 1947?

- I... - Do you sleep with your hands stuffed

- in lotion-filled socks? - No.

Right, because you are not your mother.

- How did you know... - What you are is noble,

honorable, and unimpeachable.

Anyone can just have a baby. But to adopt one? That takes a hero.

It takes a selfless, giving, kickass superwoman

who's willing to take out her checkbook right now

and write the adoption agency a check for $60,000.

Well. Okay.

Fabulous.

I'm just so glad that I'm on this journey with you.

Princess Carolyn, I'm with you every step of the way,

from you giving me this check all the way to me introducing you

to your new caseworker, Tracy.

- Hey. - Ah!

You're in wonderful hands, bye!

Uh, what...

Congratulations. What are you, like, five months pregnant?

No, I'm not a birth mother. I'm adopting.

Oh, that makes sense. 'Cause you're so old.

Is Mikhaela ever coming back?

Yeah, in your dreams.

Yes. Yes. No. Yes. What?!

Jeanine, the script calls for hot and haunted.

Does this girl look hot and haunted to you?

Yeah, I'm sure she was hot for Shakespeare in the Park,

but I need TV hot.

Actually, she's starting to look haunted.

- Hey! Uh, this a bad time? - It's fine.

I can talk to you and also judge these women's bodies at the same time.

What do you want?

Okay, well, first of all, the script is great.

Really top-notch stuff. I love the whole... thing of it.

I just wanted to clarify some things about Philbert as a character.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, okay, on page three,

is it necessary that Philbert can only orgasm if he's listening

- to a recording of his dead wife's voice? - Yes.

Okay, well, what about this thing on page eight

where he goes to a strip club and just sits in the back with a sketch-pad

and draws the strippers, while a Leonard Cohen song plays?

What about it?

It's just that all of these half-naked women.

I mean, I understand it.

I'm just worried it might come across as gratuitous and, uh, male-gazey,

which I know it isn't!

Hmm. You know what? You girls can go home.

The stripper scene's cut.

- No. - Seriously?

- Uh, oh. Uh... - How am I gonna feed my baby?

I just got an idea for something better.

So, instead of drawing strippers naked, you're just going to draw Gina naked.

Uh...

Gina, BoJack was concerned the old scene was gratuitous and male-gazey.

Oh, he was? BoJack said that?

This is much more interesting and motivated by character.

And since it's motivated by character, that means it's not gratuitous.

Thank you for the note, BoJack, you really helped.

Yeah. Thanks, BoJack, for helping.

- Oh, um... - Can we get some ice?

Can we get some nipple ice for Gina?

- So, you're the famous Yolanda. - I am not famous.

You might have me confused with another more famous Yolanda.

I know, I-I just meant because Todd talks about you so much,

I feel like you're famous.

Oh, well, that was not clear.

Okay. Todd, why don't you say things now?

Steve, you still fixing up your truck?

You're thinking of Emily's old boyfriend, firefighter Steve D'Marco.

Yeah, I'm firefighter Steve D'Mazio. We're very different.

But I do have a truck, and I'm fixing it up.

So, thanks for asking.

I created a dating app for firefighters to meet me.

- Looks like it worked. - Yeah.

Hey! We should create a dating app for asexuals.

Why would asexuals want a dating app?

Well, not all asexuals are aromantic.

- Uh... - Think of it this way.

A, Romantic, or B, Aromantic,

while also being A, Sexual, or B, Asexual.

So you could be BB, or BA.

As for me, see AB, see?

Uh...

So, even within the one percent of the population that's asexual,

there's an even smaller percentage