Scott & Bailey

I think my brother is in there, buried under the floor.

If you do find anything, you'll be cautioning her for concealing a burial.

You're miserable, Janet! You're jealous, Janet, and you can't even see it!

Get out!

Unless we've unearthed somebody with three hands, we're looking at more than one body.

You are being formally charged with preventing a lawful burial.

-Helen! -Helen!

Scott & Bailey Season 3 - Episode 07

Have you been invited to this do tonight?

What do?

Sammy's engagement do? Yeah. Why?

Just trying to fathom why she's invited some

-but not others. -Well...

I'm Sammy's godmother

and Mitch was at Bruges with Gill 400 years ago.

And Dave, in fact, so...

Gill's husband. Ex-husband.

-We're all family friends. -OK.

I say "godmother". I use the term loosely,

having not stepped inside a church since...

Blimey! Although, I did once buy him an advent calendar.

Has she not invited you to this do?

-So it's just...? -Yeah. The in-crowd.

Hey, listen.

I've bought enough booze to sink a battleship with, Sammy.

That is the equivalent of twice as much as what I think we'll need.

Yes, I'm aware that your mates can drink for England,

but the other hand, I personally

I do not want to wake up with wall-to-wall vomit tomorrow morning.

If I do, guess who'll be cleaning it all up!

It sure as heck won't be my good self.

Yes, I do want you to have a good time.

I've got no time to get the house ready

If that happens, I'll be lining your mates up one by one

and they'll be singing in very high-pitched voices! They know that, don't they?

Anyway, it isn't about your mates, is it?

It's about you and Orla.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

And make sure she brings this famous engagement ring.

I want to see it.

Oh, my God!

Did somebody fetch the cake?

..Your dad?

I'm putting the phone down now. I'm going.

I don't want to knock any old ladies down

and deal with the consequences.

OK. See you in a bit.

Hey, kid. Have you hoovered?

What the hell are you doing?

You're gonna find out what it's like to die now.

You all right, bitch?

Forgotten that.

Now, any smart moves

and this knife's coming through the back of the seat,

-right into your spine. -What do you want?

Oh, sod that!

Green light. I want you to put your foot down.

First chance we get, we're doing a U-turn.

-Why? Where are we going? -Find out when we get there.

-I can't. -Drive!

It's my son. He's expecting me. If I'm not home, he's...

What? What will he do? Explode?

Pass out? Turn into a pumpkin?

Here. Turn left. Turn round here.

Indicate, bitch!

Someone needs to tell her.

Someone needs to say, "Janet, you're 49 years old.

"You're flirting with someone who was in nappies

"when you were feeling your first collar!

"You look... ridiculous."

I think they're just mates.

I mean, talk about lack of self-awareness.

She might as well have a neon sign flashing on her forehead saying,

"Hello, I'm having a mid-life crisis."

It's...

It's...

-It's... -Yeah, what is it?

-Horses for courses. -Is it?

-Just... You know. -What?

I don't know, Rachel.

You know, I used to think the world of her.

I used to think the sun shone out of her...

You know, I was so impressed with her, Mitch.

Then you just end up thinking,

"Oh, Jesus!"

There's more rain forecast later.

So what?

I was just... changing the subject.

Right.

You really need to move on.

I have done, me.

Tell me what you're thinking.

Helen.

We've never met.

No.

-Funny that. -Is it?

I dunno.

Have I upset you?

Upset me?

Personally, have I upset you?

You've turned my life into...

one big steaming pile of festering excrement

-but other than that... -Me, personally?

Not that I'd make any great claims for it before.

My life.

I wouldn't inflict my life on anyone.

At any stage.

Not on a dog.

-But having said that... -What do you want?

I used to have a roof over my head

and someone who gave a toss about me.

And a job.

I had a job, used to earn money.

And, get this! I used to be able to walk round the supermarket

without some ignorant twat coming up and spitting in my face.

Not only that, I used to be able to walk to the end of our street

without kids on bikes lobbing

crisp packets full of dog dirt at me!

Didn't know I was born, did I?

-Looking back. -What do you want?

Me?

Fortnight in the Bahamas?

80 grand a year? Tea for two at the Ritz?

-I want everything. Greedy cow! -I meant...

-I know what you meant. -Helen, you're drunk.

No?!

-Helen. -Really?

It's amazing what the trained eye can spot!

No flies on you, eh?

-What you're doing is very serious. -D'you think?

-You've not thought this through. -Feel free to think that.

Helen, this can only get more and more serious.

If you stop this now, if you calm down,

let me stop the car, we can talk through everything properly-

You dare stop this car a second longer than necessary,

this blade's coming through your earhole

and out the other side!

With hilarious consequences. Not.

-Not for you, anyway. -I want to know where we're going!

We're going... to get on the M62.

Eastbound.

We're going to the seaside, you and me, pal.

Rachel, have you got a sec?

We're missing a couple of statements from the Kenneth Valentine file.

-One of them's yours. -Because I haven't written it up yet.

Janet needs to get the file to the barrister today, before lunch rime.

She asked you for your statement three days ago.

-No, she didn't. -Yes, she did.

Not.

Right, well, she's telling me she did.

She asked me for it on Wednesday at 5 o'clock.

Which isn't three days ago. It's not even two days ago.

That's one day and a few hours ago.

I said it would be ready by the end of today.

-She said it would be fine. -Right, well...

It appears you've been talking at crossed purposes -

I can't help that. She's telling you

one thing and asking me for something else.

It'd be nice if we were all working with each other,

-rather than against each other. -I couldn't agree more.

Right.

You've got an hour and a half to get it on her desk.

Well, that won't be happening!

-Sorry? -With all due respect, Rob,

I've got to update my progress report for the Willow Vale nursing home.

I've got to complete the video viewing log the resident interviews.

And I've got to finish the learning module for diversity.

What with me being politically incorrect and sending you that daft email -

which was, by the way, just a joke!

-All those things can wait. -No, no, no.

She has to ring that barrister

and tell him that she's made a mistake.

That's not going to happen, either.

-That barrister wants the file. -She said she didn't need it.

Lunchtime today was the deadline.

-Yes, I made it clear that I couldn't. -Well, I'm asking.

No. I'm not asking you, Rachel.

I'm telling you.

It's interesting that she's got you doing this instead of saying,

"Rachel, where's that statement I asked you for

"not three days ago, which I said would be fine by the end of Friday?"

-This is... -What?

Childish and...

You wouldn't do this if it wasn't the boss's day off.

I don't know what you mean.

-I think you do. -Sorry,

-Childish? -Can we do this thing

so the barrister gets what he needs, when he need,

so we can nail his arse to the floor for murdering Kenneth Valentine?

Right, fine.

If you want things at a different time

-to what's been agreed... -I said lunchtime.

..ask me instead of getting your monkey to do it.

-I said Friday lunchtime. -Yeah, I made it clear...

I said Friday lunchtime. It's always been lunchtime.

-And I made it clear... -I made it perfectly clear

that the end of the day was not an option.

The fact that you chose, in your pig-headed fashion,

to misread that as me saying

"that's OK, then"