Modern Family

-Whats the most irritating thing my parent say to me?? "that's too much cologne."

"that's how girls end up dead."

"don't talk black to me."

"it's inappropriate because she's your teacher."

How do you even talk black?

Like, end words with "izzle"?

Alex: It's talk back, you idiot.

Oh.

"act more like an adult."

What does "act more like an adult" even mean?

look at you. You're soaked.

That is so lame!

You're the one who wanted to do it!

What are you two doing?

I picked up one of those water weasels.

You hook it on the end of the hose

And it flies around in the air.

Just...Like a weasel.

yeah, look at how awesome. He's so wet.

I put the weasel in my pants.

he totally did!

Dork. Is there a reason why my window is wet?

Hmm, very difficult to say. Um, I don't know.

Up fi-- ow. Ow!

What's wrong?

Sweetie, are you okay? A little - a little twinge.

Yeah.

I'll call 911.

Maybe the firemen will come.

No, no! No. No. No! Give me it!

The firemen in our town have a reputation for being...Hot.

Do I resent that?

Of course not. These guys are my friends.

I play basketball with them. I bake for them.

My question is -- what's hot?

Jay: Come on! Let's go! Let's go!

We're coming.

Manny, it's inappropriate because she's your teacher.

What's the big deal, anyway?

It's a surprise, you'll see.

Oh, my god!

Gloria: Jay, you didn't!

Yes, I did. I got us into that new benihana.

Huh?

They got a chef there

That can flip a shrimp into his own hat.

What the hell?

Dad! There's my boy!

What the hell is he doing here? Jay.

No, he was supposed to pick up Manny yesterday

And disappointed him again, as usual.

Now he just sails in here out of the blue?

I don't like the guy.

Do I have reasons? Yeah.

Good reasons? Yeah.

How many reasons do I need? None.

I don't like the guy.

So, I would have called,

But while I was buying this boat for a friend,

I got chased out to sea by another boat.

Were they pirates?

I didn't stop to ask.

It's not hard to tell.

Did they have curvy swords

And sing songs about how fun it is to be a pirate?

Wo Jay, such a beautiful house, huh?

So, we were just headed out to dinner.

What, you think I show up empty-handed?

I brought dinner -- lobsters!

Did you catch them with your bare hands?

No, but I bought them with my bare hands.

Wow!

And I have some nice wine, a good cuban cigar for Jay.

Hey, why don't you take a picture of him with your new camera phone?

I don't have a camera phone.

Yodo now.

Awesome!

All this excitement, my heart is just going.

Now, listen to me, you bring that with you

When you come to visit me this summer.

We'll go in a racecar with my friend,

And after that, maybe a bullfight.

I know all these guys, the matadors --

They are like artists.

You're quite the bullfight artist yourself.

Uh...Manny,

Why don't you show your father to the kitchen?

Por favor, dios mío.

Someone put on some music. Tonight, we dance.

Oh, we're gonna dance.

Oye, mi amor, ¿está bien que me quedo aquí esta noche?

Ay, javier, yo no sé. Espérate para ver qué puedo hacer.

What did he say?

Does he need money for the lobsters?

Jay, be nice. "be nice"?

I could be sitting grill-side

Watching a guy build an onion volcano.

Instead, I got rico suave in my kitchen,

And I got a stolen boat in my driveway.

If it was for me, he'll be out of my life.

But it's good for Manny to be with his father.

I just can't believe you ever fell for that act.

Colombians can be very persuasive.

They can make you agree to things before you even know it.

You must have been pretty naive.

Yeah, but now I'm with the right man, okay?

Right.

Javier is only going to stay one night.

Good.

Wait. What?

Don't be mad. I just got up to change her.

Well, mitchell really wanted to ferberize the baby.

Ferberize -- it is a method

Of getting the baby to sleep through the night

By, yes, basically letting her cry herself to sleep.

Torture.

It's not torture, cam.

It's just hard if you happen to be a person

Who hates to hear another person suffer.

Or two people suffer.

No, no, you got up to comfort her,

But only teaches her that every time she cries,

Her daddy will come in and cuddle her and put on her favorite --

What are we watching?

Brian De Palma's controversial masterpiece "SCARFACE"

For the baby?

She happens to like it.

I don't know if it's the colors or the -- the sounds.

Oh, here comes the nightclub massacre.

She loves it. Watch her little eyelids.

It's so cute. They get so heavy.

Phil: Oh! That's bad!

Oh, honey.

I'm fine. No, I'm fine.

I'm just -- okay, that's cancer!

Maybe it's just a kidney stone.

"just," Claire?

What's going on, guys?

It's nothing. Go back to bed.

No, but, dad -- don't touch me.

I bet it's just a kidney stone.

"just" again.

Someone get your mom a glass of water

And a piece of gravel from the driveway

And she how she likes it.

Why is everybody yelling?

Something's wrong with dad.

Don't frighten him. Come here.

Oh! That's got to be death!

Death is coming!

Okay, you need to go to the hospital, dad. Yeah.

No, no, no. I just need a pill.

Get me the biggest one you can find.

Honey, breathe. Just -- just breathe.

That's what I told you when you were in labor

And you threw my smoothie at me.

Pill!

Okay, I'm calling.

No, no! It's fine.

It's actually -- it's fine. It's passing.

It's passing. I'm sorry to alarm everyone.

I think I was probably just overreacting

Because there's an alien inside of me!

Oh, close it down. Oh, I'm definitely gonna call.

All systems down. All systems down.

Son of a bitch.

What's the matter?

He's playing on my pool table, that's what.

Probably got himself a nice drink, too.

Where are you going, Jay?

Just to check things out, okay?

Come on. You hear that?

Now he's messing around with my remote control.

You can't hear that from here.

Hey, there.

Hey, Jay, listen, I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?

No, no. I'm a light sleeper.

That's what happens when you get older.

, you're not old.

I didn't say I was old.

I never sleep much, anyway.

Life is just more interesting after 2:00 A.M.

You know, the liquor tastes better,

The, uh -- the women are more beautiful.

What is it they say?

That the night belongs to the poets and the madmen.

Which are you?

Perhaps both.

But I think maybe you, too, huh?

I see a picture over here of you on a motorcycle.

You ride?

I used to.

"used to"?

"used to"?!

Jay, the saddest words in any language, my friend.

Yeah.

Hey, help me out here.

Everybody sees you as this great guy.

You know, you live this life of adventure.

How come I don't buy a word of it?