22 Jump Street

PREVIOUSLY ON 21 JUMP STREET

You're a fucking nerd.

Boy, you lucky you even graduating.

- Fuck! - Oh!

You're good at this, huh? Yeah.

You're really good at this. Yeah.

Hey, you want to be friends?

Yours isn't loaded, right?

Just touch it. I'm scared.

Just touch it.

Seriously. All right, all right, all right.

You took a bullet for me, man.

You shot me in the dick!

Boom, motherfuckers!

You two sons of bitches are going to college!

Yin is characterized as slow, soft, passive

and is associated with water and femininity.

While, Yang, by contrast, is fast and solid and...

Man, this is BS.

I thought we were going to actual college, not online college.

Listening for coded messages in lectures.

What are you talking about?

Look around.

This is our city.

What do we want to be in college for?

You're right.

Partners for life.

At Metro city port, the tide comes in at 10:30 A.M.

Then it will return to the sea.

Metro port. One hour.

Let's do this.

surprise. There's two more arms.

- shit! That's the ghost. - The ghost?

Joste nillsen,

biggest trafficker of illegal goods in Metro city.

He teamed up with a Mexican cartel

and they're running all this shit through the port.

What the hell are we supposed to be buying?

I don't know.

What are you doing? Huh?

I got a new identity that's gonna be killer.

I'll be throwing it to you to make it legit.

Okay.

I'm gonna need you to improvise. Okay?

I don't want to improvise.

I'm gonna need you to improvise.

I suck at improvising. I don't want to do it.

I need absolute silence while I fall into character.

I need absolute silence while I fall into character.

Can you give me a head start on...

I need absolute... I need absolute silence.

Can you please... Absolute silence.

Are you fucking serious right now?

All right. I hate people who are late.

We're trying to see that product.

Shit!

Yo, sleepy! What's up, homie?

You know my cousin, sad boy.

I think you got the wrong guy, homes.

Oh, that's bullshit, man! You sleepy!

Everyone say in the barrio,

sleepy, he like the Mexican Wolverine and shit.

Hey, my partner here, he want to see the product.

Why ain't he talking?

My name is Jeff.

That's jeffe, man.

Tell 'em about mousie's quinceanera, man.

Tell 'em about that crazy adventure you guys had.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, man, when you were telling the story last night,

you had so much detail!

The detail was so rich! It was rich detail!

Go into incredibly descriptive details

of the story, so we all know.

Oh, yes.

It was Dora and Diego

and swiper.

Swiper?

Who was that you choked out, man?

He had it coming! Who was that?

Boots.

No, man, that wasn't boots! Boots isn't a real name!

You got to tell them the real story, man.

Start over from the top.

That's a made-up name.

I can't believe the punks I have to deal with these days.

It really makes me miss the '90s,

when we had professionals around.

You want to check out the goods?

Check it out.

And shut up. Right?

Where'd you find this gringo, man?

At the fucking Mumford & sons concert and shit?

What is it? Guns? Drugs?

No! No!

Dude! It's gross!

It's inking in my mouth!

I'll get it off.

Its tentacle is eating me!

It's so strong! It's really on there, man.

It's biting my face!

Shit!

Black market exotic animals, just like we expected to be in there.

The accents are gone, huh?

Take them out, guys. They're cops.

What was that? I don't know! I think we're moving.

We're definitely moving!

There's fucking birds and shit in here!

There's actual shit!

What the fuck?

There's a fucking dragon in here!

Shit!

What was that?

Dude, that was our car.

We shared so much in that car!

I'm going to shoot them in the face for that!

That was our fucking car!

What are you doing?

Don't teen wolf on the truck!

Don't leave me here alone!

Then get up here!

I can't do that!

Then fucking climb around. Come on, climb around.

Let's go. Come on, buddy. You got it.

This is so scary!

Shoot him!

Don't leave me out here!

I'm all out. You stupid moron!

That's it. Come on.

Fucking get up here. Come on. Fuck!

All right, you good? Yeah!

All you got to do is walk now, okay? Okay.

Shit!

What the fuck are you doing? Get up here!

I can't!

All right, fine, I guess I'll just drag you.

I'm gonna die!

You're not gonna die. Just get the fuck up here!

Pull yourself up here.

Use your core!

You got it, you got it. Come on, come on. Yeah!

All right. Think you can stand on your own now?

Yes!

I think we lost them.

Shit!

He's the fucking Terminator!

That's fucking dangerous!

You are under arrest!

Pull the truck over!

I said pull the fucking truck over right fucking now!

You owe me a car,

and it'd better be a fucking Lamborghini, you bitch!

I did it!

You have the right to remain silent.

Oh, shit!

Holy Moses!

Shit.

What happened?

I think they got away.

Is that a hickey?

Oh. This was actually an octopus-related incident.

I'd opened a crate and the octopus had leapt onto my face.

Apparently, they have many, many arms.

They have eight tentacles.

Yes, and... Look, ladies,

nobody gave a shit about the jump street reboot when you first came on.

Anyone with half a brain, myself included,

thought it was destined to fail spectacularly.

But you got lucky.

So now this department has invested

a lot of money to make sure jump street keeps going.

We've doubled their budget.

As if spending twice the money guaranteed twice the profit.

Like that's going to work.

Yeah. Well, the commissioner's convinced this debacle happened

because you weren't doing the same undercover student thing

you did the first time.

She doesn't get that it's always worse

the second time around.

You settle into worn-out roles.

One gets possessive, the other runs away.

You begin a slow, painful unraveling,

as all the good things that came before

begin to be crushed by the trash compactor of sadness.

That doesn't sound like us. I mean...

I'm getting a divorce.

We don't want to do the same thing.

We want to burst through our ceiling.

And you're gonna find another ceiling

and you got to bust through that one,

and you just got to keep hammering ceilings.

Okay, okay, okay.

What if we actually went into the secret service

and, like, tried to protect the white house?

I think... I don't think that would work.

I'm going to ask you to stop talking.

I thought it was a pretty good idea.

Do the same thing as last time, everyone's happy.

I can't believe the Koreans bought their church back.

Yeah. Good thing there was an even bigger