Breakwater (Quebramar)

- Did you see Grandma again this week?

Yeah.

What happened?

Ah, she said she was really worried...

"I've had depression. I know it's hard, but I had my reasons.

And I was like "I have it too. Of course I do. Just look at me!"

And she said...

"I know why... You wish you were a boy."

And I was like "No Grandma! Of course not!

It's nothing to do with that...

I'm completely comfortable in my body.

I just want to feel comfortable being a woman with short hair...

wearing the clothes I do."

She said "no, but don't you want to have surgery?

Get rid of your breasts? Don't you hate your body?"

And I was like "no, Grandma. No way!" And I kept trying...

I kept explaining it to her for like ages!

Then I just...

Ya, turn over for me?

Rá, lie on Yaki's tummy.

Higher up.

- No, near her chest. That's it.

Raise the arm without the tattoo.

Without the red one!

Higher, higher.

- I just can't let my hair grow anymore.

I tried, I swear!

– But when was the first time you shaved it?

2015. After the sit-ins. It was around then.

I arrived at the Fernão school sit-in with it shaved already.

– I shaved mine around the time of the sit-ins too.

- I met you when you had it short, but Lana still had it long.

– Lana had that Emo fringe, that she hates us talking about!

I've never been an Emo in my life. For fuck's sake!

But it was an Emo fringe.

It was a fringe! People just say a fringe is an Emo thing. Come on!

A fringe is just a fringe!

It doesn't mean anything!

She even turned-off the clippers!

Really?

- Hey, don't piss her off or she'll fuck up my hair!

I'll run trough here!

- Lana, a bit more to the side. The other side.

Looks nice.

Thanks.

– Want me to cut yours now? – Sure.

– After I shaved my head we broke up.

We met up as friends...

and he said to me

“Ah, Ananda, I saw you shaved your head...

just don't become too much of a dyke, coz I still wanna go out with you, OK?"

Men...

"I never thought about, like, cumming with you and...

shut the fuck up!", you know? – You should have said that!

– I used to say to my friends I was like asexual and shit...

and there was no way I was a lesbian...

because I'd always been really feminine.

I didn't think lesbians could be feminine, ya know?

That's fucked up.

– That's a lot of guys. – A lot of guys?

A lot of guys.

– And, like, these guys aren't gonna take us seriously.

It's the same everywhere.

Say, like, for exemple, we had a tambourine.

If it was a guy over here playing the tambourine he'd say "Hey, get in!"

But he just asked for it and gave it to a guy, ya know?

Didn't even ask if Elis knew how to play it or anything.

There are no girls participating in the music itself, ya know.

They just watch... It's always the same.

He can't even play properly.

Hey, come on! Let's put our chairs behind them!

– Seriously, come on! – Oh, do we have to?

– Hey, Bro, can I play the tambourine with you guys?

Go for it.

Cool.

Anyway you're beating the shit out of it, man!

Today I came to tell you

That in a second your life will change

When the world goes silent

In silence the body speaks

And heats up the heart

It's easier to feel The sense of eternity

Let feelings flourish

And they'll make you grow

Let feelings flourish

And they'll make you grow

Going out with the girls I always felt like a voyeur.

As if I was there, watching...

but not part of what was going on.

So I always thought this is shit in my head...

that I should stop being such a drama queen and then...

I felt really lonely, like there was nobody close to me.

Then I went to the Candomblé house and things began to get better.

Loneliness is something that always...

it's one of my biggest fears in life. To be alone.

I know there's all that about keeping yourself company.

But at the same time I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel lonely.

– But this thing about being lonely by yourself...

and feeling comfortable with that is a process that has to happen.

But it's not something you can force. – Yeah.

– Loneliness isn't solitude, is it? You have to be OK by yourself.

Loneliness is when you really feel excluded and alone

and everything around you makes you feel that way.

When I started working I was scared coz of my hair.

I'd always had a black power Afro. I never straightened it.

– And your Mum never wanted you to straighten it?

– I was lucky because my Mum was always a militant...

– My mum was never aware of reclaiming her black identity.