Hot Date

Hey Babe.

How you feeling?

You look, uh, bad.

I'm sick.

Come help me.

Well I got you covered.

'Cause I got lozenges.

I got cold medicine.

I even splurged on some of that fancy cherry stuff

you spray down your throat.

I might have some of that myself, too.

It tastes good.

Thank you so much!

But I don't put strange chemicals in my body.

We've done Molly together.

Yeah, but it was while we were camping so it was natural.

Okay, so you'll take mysterious club drugs,

but you won't take medicine?

Excuse me, my Reishi mushroom tea is helping

me purge toxins as we speak.

So-.

See?

Toxins.

It's not good.

Murph, western medicine is a recent invention.

Open your third eye my friend.

Eastern medicine has been around for thousands of years.

Couldn't you say the same thing about horses and cars?

Good point.

Maybe we should be riding horses instead.

I'd be willing to.

Only if a lot of people did it though.

'Cause if just I did it that would be very dangerous

for the horse on the highway.

Can you get that?

I'm sick.

I thought it was guys who turned into

babies when they got sick.

I'm a feminist.

I can do anything a man can do.

That'll be $19.38.

You didn't prepay with a card like a modern human?

I'm sick.

But you have cash?

You have cash?

You have cash?

Sorry.

Really poorly timed coughing fit.

Thank you.

You didn't get me anything?

Uh...

Don't be mad at me.

I'm sick!

Besides, we can share mine.

You're not getting me sick!

I'll just have whatever's left in the fridge.

So one packet of soy sauce and an oyster

po' boy from two weeks ago.

That's a new texture.

Listen to this.

I googled some of my symptoms and got some

pretty interesting literature.

Alright, ah-hem.

Over time, processed foods and unfiltered tap water

can make your physical body more acidic and

your spiritual body cloudier.

Do you think that's what's happening to me?

Pretty sure this website was made by a cult.

Look, there's even directions to their compound.

Sh.

Oh, um, that's Jason.

He's only in town for the night.

Do you think I could stop by the bar and say hi?

Fine, I'll get out of it.

Thank you.

Wait, what are you doing?

Why are you taking a picture of me?

Saying your girlfriend is sick is the

worst excuse in the book.

I need photographic evidence.

Okay.

At least give me time to prepare.

No, you don't...

stop trying to look good.

Who's trying?

This is defeating the point.

Just stay still.

Nope.

Don't blow kisses.

Em?

Ew.

No, don't spank yourself.

Okay.

If you spank yourself one more time, I'm just going

to throw out all your tea.

How's this for sick?

Ew.

Alright.

That'll work.

At least this one has some tissues in the foreground.

What the fuck?

Newt?

Rebecca!

So cool to meet a girl who's down to go to a whiskey bar.

Don't worry.

I asked the bartender, she said they have wine if you want to

switch to something lighter.

All good.

Can I get a Macallan 12 neat?

Ah, you know your stuff.

Thank you.

Whoa.

Guess you can hang with the boys.

Bottoms up!

You're not supposed to drink the cubes.

Thanks for the tip,

but I'm kind of a whiskey guy.

Are you now?

Two more McElroy 22's.

Macallan 12's.

What she said.

We downing this one?

Oh my God. This is embarrassing.

If your throat is closing up, your body is rejecting it.

Oooooooooh.

Good scotch.

Strong.

Can we get two more?

Kyle?

I think I'm ready to go all the way...

to third base.

I love you.

Hailey, I've got... hey!

We're watching a movie!

I can see you Kyle.

We're watching a movie.

Okay.

Time for you to go home.

Mom, no!

He can't leave.

I've already told you Hailey.

No boyfriend after 9 o'clock.

I'm your mother.

I know what's best for you.

With all due respect Mrs. P., what's best for

her is to be with me, the man who loves her.

You were recently suspended for throwing a fidget spinner

at your substitute teacher.

I did do that.

Mom!

We're in love.

You can't keep us apart.

This has been the greatest two weeks of my life.

I can't wait to get married and then die in each other's arms

when we're really old.

Like 35.

Sweetheart.

You're young.

You don't know what real love is yet.

Oh.

I don't know what love is?

Love is wanting to be together.

All the time.

Because you're scared if he's not by your side for one split

second, he's gonna talk to a girl with bigger boobs than you.

And when you can't be together,

it's about texting, nonstop.

Love is about kissing, for hours,

with so much tongue.

The more tongue, the more you love each other.

It's about bragging to your friends every

time you hit a new sexual milestone.

Real love?

It keeps you up at night, Mom.

Because you're in a huge fight about the fact that he told

Luke Kelley Klein that you went to second base.

Love is about showing up at her part-time job

and just hanging out there at the counter, scaring customers.

It's about going to the movies and

talking really loud and giggling the whole time and

ruining it for everyone else.

It's about applying to all the same

colleges because you care more about making out, than

you do about your own future.

Love makes you feel like your heart is

going to explode anytime he's not at your locker exactly

one minute after the bell rings.

Love...

is about thinking that she's really hot.

Hotter than Emma Watson, or Emma Roberts,

or any Emma in the whole world.

Event Emma Stone?

Yeah, babe.

Mrs. P., I love your daughter, and we're going to be together

whether you like it or not.

Kyle, get out of my house.

Yes, ma'am.

Kyle, no!

Goodbye, my love!

Text me when you get home.