Suburban Gothic

YEAH!

UM, CAN I CALLYOU TICONA?

IS ITALL RIGHT IF I CALL YOU BYYOUR FIRST NAME?

NO.

OKAY.

I CAME HERE BECAUSE I NEED AJOB.

SO IF YOU COULD JUST TYPE MY INFO INTO YOUR COMPUTER,

HELPA BROTHER OUT FIND ME AJOB.

SOMETHING IN UPPER MANAGEMENT WOULD BE GREAT.

I'LL TAKE ANYTHING.

I AM LITERALLY ON THE VERGE

OF HAVING TO MOVE BACK IN WITH MY PARENTS,

AND I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

RAYMOND, I GOT NOTHING FOR YOU.

MOVING BACK IN WITH YOUR PARENTS RIGHT NOW

DOESN'T SOUND LIKE SUCH A BAD IDEA.

-IT DOES. IT REALLY DOES SOUND LIKE A BAD IDEATO ME.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS

WITHOUT SOUNDING TERRIBLE,

BUTYOU'RE THE WORST GUIDANCE COUNSELOR EVER.

I-I GOT TO GO. I GOT TO GO.

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.

LOSE THE SCARF.

FREAK.

YOO-HOO!

I MADE YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING TO KEEP YOUR STRENGTH UP, HECTOR.

-OH, MY GOODNESS. -ALBERTO? COOKIES?

-UH, ARE THOSE GLUTEN-FREE? -UH, NO.

ALL RIGHT NOW HERE'S THE RULE.

I JUST RESEEDED THE LAWN. -HI.

I PLANTED SOME NEW FLOWERS.

YOU STAYAWAY, YOU UNDERSTAND?

-I WON'T EVEN LOOKAT THEM, DAD. HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

-ALL RIGHT. -DOES THAT WORK?

-LOOK, AND I'M SORRY FOR BEING SO HARD ON YOU

ON THE PHONE THE OTHER DAY.

HEY, YOU HAVE ATHING FOR BLACK WOMEN --

SHE WAS LATINO.

-YOU HAVE ATHING FOR LATINA BLACK WOMEN, I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

GREAT.

-YOUR MOTHERAND I ARE VERY OPEN-MINDED.

I'VE NOTICED.

GOOD, HUH?

-EVEY, RAYMOND'S HOME! -OH! OH!

I THINK HE'S HERE! HE'S HERE!

OH, HE'S HERE!

THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF MY BOY.

-I DON'T KNOW HIM. -HE'S HERE!

MOM!

MY BEAUTIFUL SON. -MY BEAUTIFUL MOM.

OH, HONEY.

TURN AROUND, LET ME LOOKATYOU.

OH, WAIT.

MOM, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

-STOP. -ALL RIGHT.

-OH, SO HANDSOME. -SO BEAUTIFUL.

-THERE IS AWAY YOU CAN HELP YOUR MOTHERAND ME

WHILE YOU'RE HERE. -HOW?

-ALL THOSE YEARS OF EDUCATION I PAID FOR,

DID YOU EVER LEARN HOW TO SPEAKANY MEXICAN?

-YOU KNOW, SADLY, DAD, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPEAK MEXICAN,

BECAUSE NOBODY IN THE WORLD SPEAKS MEXICAN.

MEXICAN PEOPLE SPEAK SPANISH.

MEXICANS SPEAK MEXICAN.

PEOPLE FROM SPAIN SPEAK SPANISH.

-COME ON IN, RAYMOND. -WHATARE YOU DOING

WITH THAT FLAG AROUND YOUR NECK? -UH, CELEBRATING MY FREEDOM.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

-OH, YOU TOO. I'M SO HAPPY.

-WELL, YOU DON'T WEAR THE AMERICAN FLAG ON YOUR NECK.

OKAY?

-HOLY SHIT! -FUCK!

-YOU SCARED THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME.

WHATARE YOU DOING IN MY BATHROOM, MAN?

-OH, SORRY. I JUST UH -- NOTH-- I JUST --

I WAS JUST CHECKING OUT YOUR PICTURE, MAN.

YEAH.

-IT'S A LITTLE CHUBBY GUY. REMEMBER HIM?

-YEAH, HE DEVELOPED AN EATING DISORDER.

-OH. -THANKS FOR BRINGING IT UP.

-WELL, YOU LOOK GOOD. -THANK YOU.

-I WANTED TO USE THE PORTA-POTTY OUTSIDE...

-MM-HMM. -...BUT UH, YOUR FATHER

KEEPS FORGETTING THE SEAT COVERS, YOU KNOW?

HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

-YOU SAID IT. I DIDN'T. -I KNOW.

-YEAH? OKAY? -ALL RIGHT.

HAVEA GOOD ONE. -ALL RIGHT. YOU TOO.

-SO, RAYMOND, I'M GOING INTO TOWN TOMORROW.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ME?

I'M GOOD.

-OH, HONEY, OF COURSE YOU'RE GOOD.

YOU'RE MY LITTLEANGEL.

BUT...YOUR FATHERAND I WERE WONDERING

IF WE COULD BUY YOU ACOUPLE NEW OUTFITS FOR YOUR STAY.

SOMETHING JUST A LITTLE LESSALTERNATIVE.

YES.

WE REALLY CAREABOUTYOU, SON,

AND WE RECOGNIZE YOUR MORE EUROPEAN APPROACH TO FASHION...

BUT WE JUST DON'T THINK IT'S APPROPRIATE HERE IN AMERICA.

IN THE U.S. OF A.

-WELL, DAD, I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN,

AND YOUR CRITICISM OF EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE,

BUT I'M GONNA HAVE TO POLITELY DISAGREE WITH YOU,

BASED MAINLY ON THE FACT

THATYOU DRESS LIKEA DRUG DEALER.

- -

YOU HEAR HOW HE TALKS TO ME? HUH?

THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY COMING FROM A GUY

WHO GRADUATED BUSINESS SCHOOL SIX MONTHS AGO

AND CAN'T FIND A GODDAMN JOB.

-I'M HOLDING OUT FORA POSITION IN UPPER MANAGEMENT.

OH, BULLSHIT.

-I THINK WE'REALL JUSTA LITTLE TIRED.

IT'S BEEN AVERY BIG DAY.

-WELL, YOU GUYS TAKE CARE OF THE DISHES.

I'VE GOT THE GAME'S GONNA START HERE IN A MINUTE.

OH, AND RAYMOND...

TAKE A SHOWER, OKAY?

YOU SMELL BAD ENOUGH TO GAG A MAGGOT.

HOW DO YOU GAG A MAGGOT?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE LOOKING A LITTLE THIN, THOUGH, RAYMOND.

THERE.

AAAH!

...HECTOR. I'M JUSTAN UNCLE.

HELLO?

COUSIN FREDDY! HEY, WHATARE YOU DOING HERE?

-RAYMOND, THANK GOD. I THOUGHTYOU WERE YOUR DAD.

SINCE I CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET

HE'S FORBIDDEN ME TO ENTER THE PROPERTY.

CONGRATULATIONS.

MAYBE YOU NEVER HAVE TO SEE HIM EVERAGAIN.

WELL, HE'SAN AIRES, SO...

THEY'RE ALL FUCKING ASSHOLES.

HMM. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

ALL OF THEM.

-I BELIEVE IT. I JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT.

SO, DO YOU AND MOM GET TO SEE MUCH OF EACH OTHERANYMORE?

OCCASIONALLY.

YOU KNOW, WHENEVER SHE'S IN THE MOOD TO SNEAK OUT

FORA NIGHT OF MUSICAL THEATER, SHE CALLS ME.

SOUNDS NICE.

I FUCKING HATE MUSICAL THEATER.

SORRY IF I FRIGHTENED YOU.

I JUST -- I HAD TO PICK UP SOME BELONGINGS.

OOH.

YOUR MOM LET ME, UM, STORE MY CAR HERE

WHILE I'M GOING THROUGH ATRANSFORMATIONAL PERIOD.

-HEY, WOULD IT BE COOL IF I BORROWED YOUR CAR?

I WASACTUALLY JUSTABOUT TO GO TO A BARAND GET SUPER DRUNK.

YEAH, BE MY GUEST.

DO YOU WANTTO COME WITH ME?

NO.

MY PEACE CORPSAPPLICATION JUST CAME THROUGH.

I DON'T WANT TO JEOPARDIZE IT.

DRINKING MAKES ME, UM...

MAKES ME DO THINGS...

THAT I DON'T REMEMBER.

OKAY.

COOL.

ARE YOU OKAY?

'CAUSE YOU SEEM FLUSTERED.

MM...UH, NOT SO GOOD.

BUT UM, IT'S NOTHING 15 OR 20 DRINKS WON'T FIX, YOU KNOW?

YOU CAN'T DRINK THAT MUCH.

YOU'D DIE.

HEY.

THIS AIN'T NO PUBLIC RESTROOM.

DULY NOTED.

-YOU ARE NOT FROM AROUND HERE, ARE YOU?

-BORN AND RAISED, MY BROTHER, BUT I HAVE SINCE RELOCATED.

-WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THIS SHIT HOLE?

-WELL, THE, UH -- THE LOVELY CLIENTELE, PRIMARILY.

AND I ALSO READ SOMEWHERE

THAT THEY SERVE ASCRUMPTIOUS COSMOPOLITAN.

AND I MYSELF --

HOLY SHIT!

I FUCKING KNOWYOU.

I USED TO TAKE THE BUS TO SCHOOL WITH THIS KID.

HE USED TO BE FATTER THAN SHIT.

YOU USED TO BE FATTER THAN SHIT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, AS YOU PUT IT

I WAS FATAS SHIT --

-FATTER THAN SHIT. FATTER THAN SHIT.

-FATTER THAN SHIT. THANK YOU FOR CORRECTING ME.

AND THEN THE WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

IT'S LIKE, I MOVED AWAY FROM THIS TOWN

AND ALL THE PEOPLE THAT LIVE WITHIN THIS TOWN,

AND THEN SUDDENLY I HAD TO STOP USING EATING

AS COPING MECHANISM FOR DEPRESSION.

SO WEIRD. THINNED OUT. WHO KNEW?