Fresh Off the Boat

As a kid, there are things that terrify you.

Parents, thank you all for coming.

We know you're very busy, but we felt

we needed to bring this matter to your immediate attention.

This man has been seen in the area

handing out drugs to children

and telling them they're stickers.

The children then proceed to lick the stickers

and are then on drugs.

We are working closely with local authorities,

but we also wanted to make you aware

so any additional precautions could be taken.

Yes, you in back.

When do report cards come out?

In my family, that's what terrified us.

Captions by vitac ...

My mom was singing at the restaurant

because my dad thought it would help business.

Married 45 years.

I can't imagine it.

Hey, Nancy!

That coupon is expired.

You have to check the date.

Literally, I can't imagine it.

How'd she see that?

I see everything.

Okay, just one sprig of parsley per plate, please.

It is a garnish, not a salad.

Thank you, thank you.

Uh, the voice of an angel, the incredible singing lady.

There we go.

Okay. Okay, okay.

She's something else. Okay.

What are you doing?

The restaurant has been open almost a month,

and we have been losing money every day.

We have to tighten up around here,

or we will never turn a profit.

Is that why you clog half the pepper holes?

Oh, look at that guy,

shaking away our profits like he's a pepper monster.

Look, if you're gonna help with the restaurant,

we need to get on the same page,

and my page says

the key to success is to kill them with kindness.

I've always... shh! Did you hear that?

Mitch, did you just take a crouton from the salad bar?

Are you saying I did not hear a crunch?

You are trying to dissolve the crouton.

Uh, Mitch, why don't you go see

if any of the servers need help, okay?

Oh, hell, no.

You waiting for your report card?

Yeah, and a birthday card from my dad.

If it's within three weeks of your birthday,

then it still counts.

I've got a forgery kit in my room.

I'm gonna use it to change all my c's to b's

before my mom comes home.

Sweet. Yeah.

I'm not making the same rookie mistake I made last year.

Put your gym clothes in the hamper and take out the trash.

Okay, I will. Love you!

You love me? What are you hiding?

There's nothing in my backpack.

Oh, I know.

B-minus!

Is there anything else for me?

Buddy, we talked about this.

I would lead with the card. I'm rooting for you.

You ready? Yeah.

Yes! Yes!

Mom! We got report cards!

Oh. Okay.

What is this?

Our school doesn't give out grades.

It fosters unhealthy competition.

Plus/minus rainbow? One leprechaun?

Two clouds... That seems bad.

No, clouds are good.

Clouds are rain. What are you, a farmer?

Domino! Straight a's, moms!

The one good thing about moving here

is I have no friends and no distractions.

That's why I got a...

Grandma, what does fonzie say?

"A"!

School is too easy.

Just when you think you've won the game,

this trick done changed the rules.

Eddie, don't call your mother a trick.

You need to make school more challenging,

or else my son will fall behind.

I'm sorry. There's not much I can do

about a straight- "a" student.

Well, is there extra school?

Where is the closest clc?

Oh, no.

What's clc?

Chinese learning center... An after-school program

for reading, math, science, and violin.

Look at them, the innocence.

I couldn't hear them through the reinforced glass,

but I imagined it was the sound of childhood.

Enjoy your stick, white friends.

I'm sorry. We don't have a Chinese learning center here.

Yes!

But we do have an after-school program

called animal encounters

where we bring in farm animals

for the children to play with.

In fact, I have a baby chick in my lap right now.

Please put your lap chicken away.

I don't understand these people.

It's like success is not important to them.

To Spencer and his four c's.

Unh-unh!

Nancy, no wasting napkins.

Uh, but the lady at table six asked for it.

She ordered a salad.

She does not need an extra napkin.

My hands are tied.

Jessica, we talked about this.

It's a slippery slope.

First, an employee pops a crouton.

Next thing you know, they are wheeling ovens out of the kitchen.

Same with the customer.

First, they get extra napkin.

Next thing you know, they run out on the bill.

Same with the boys.

First, they have baby chickens in their lap.

Next thing you know, they are homeless!

You know, just because they don't offer clc here

doesn't mean you can't provide it for the boys.

Well, I'm not a teacher.

No, but you are very smart.

I mean, have you ever met

a "wheel of fortune" puzzle you couldn't figure out?

I always guess them. Mm-hmm.

I mean, you're way smarter than the teachers they had at clc.

Some of them were not impressive.

Mnh-mnh.

Oh, never mind.

You can't teach the boys clc.

I mean, what would I do at the restaurant?

You are so valuable here.

I really am. Yeah.

But we do have a crisis on our hands.

Our boys did get straight a's.

Oh, hey, man.

Look what my mom got me for my straight c's.

You want to play?

Does the yellow man like dumplings?

We do, we do. Sorry.

I put you in an awkward spot.

Let me go get my breakaway pants

so I can rip them off.

We're doing clc.

But there aren't any in Orlando.

There is now... Homeschool clc.

I will be your teacher.

Time.

Eddie, focus!

Okay, I need to start making dinner.

Evan, you make sure that everyone does their clc.

Okay, teacher mommy.

You're loving this.

Teacher's pet and mama's boy.

I'm writing you up.

"Student... Eddie huang.

Infraction... not nice."

"Student... Eddie huang."

This sucks, right, Emery?

You play the cards you're dealt.

Choose life, you know?

Aw, man, a trampoline?

And he's using it inappropriately?

Oh!

I never get to have that much fun.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I was...

No, no, it's okay. You can have a crouton.

Is this a trick?

Is she here? Is she watching us?

Are you tricking me? No, no. It's not a trick.

It's a trick. There's cameras, right?

Stop, stop. Where is she?

Look at me.

Mitch, when you're at cattleman's ranch,

I want you to feel like

you're being hugged by a matronly woman with chubby arms.

That's how I want to feel.

See, I believe

that happy employees are good employees

and good employees are good for business.

So how about this?

You and I, we're gonna have a crouton together, okay?

R-really?

So I'm gonna take one, and you're gonna take one.

Cheers. Cheers.

Ding! Cheers.