Curb Your Enthusiasm

"An open letter to the management

of Ocean View Golf Club.

I'm writing this letter to address numerous complaints.

The food is not good.

We get packaged turkey roll instead of real deli turkey.

Never had a piece of bread in this club that wasn't stale.

Shirts have to be tucked in at all times."

Oh, I hate that. - Come on.

"And your management style leaves something to be desired."

Seriously. - Wow.

Unbelievable.

"Shame. Shame on you."

It's true. Yeah.

Signed, "Disgruntled."

Takahashi! Quiet.

Who wrote this? Huh?

I don't know. Wasn't me.

Who doesn't like turkey roll?

Who don't like tucking shirt? Huh?

Who is Disgruntled?

Is it you, funny guy?

I will find

who is "Disgruntled."

Baka.

Takahashi, he ripped it right off the bulletin board

and then accused me.

- Was it you? - No.

It is something you would kinda do,

you have to admit.

I am not Disgruntled.

I mean, I'm disgruntled, but I'm not Disgruntled.

Hey. - Yeah?

Great news. Willie Geist wants to do a profile of you.

- No kidding. - Yeah, the Sunday morning show.

Oh, that's a good show,

- that Sunday morning show. Yeah. Wow, yeah!

Atlanta. Because of Atlanta, everyone wants you.

- The cause célèbre. - Yeah. You know what?

- I will-- I'll-- I'll do that. - Great.

I really like him. - Big show.

- Hello, everybody. Oh, hi.

I will be your server for today.

What can I get started for you guys?

I'm thinking scrambled eggs.

Yes, me too.

Ah... I will have pancakes.

- We are actually already on to the lunch menu. Yeah. - What?

- Eleven o'clock, we switch over to the lunch menu, so... No!

I mean, it's 11:10.

That's not 11:00. (CHUCKLES)

What are you-- (SCOFFS) What's the difference? It's just eggs.

You know, I mean, those are the rules.

What am I supposed to do?

What's going on in the kitchen after 11:00?

What-- what happens in those ten minutes?

What are they doing?

We have to draw the line somewhere, so...

Such a limited menu.

It's like a Broadway play where they have to put in a new set.

And so now they're putting in the lunch set.

Yeah. It's just those are the rules, so...

I can't eat a beet pear salad at 11:00 a.m.

Yeah. Okay, you know what?

I see there's a Cobb salad on the menu, right?

Right.

Yeah, there are eggs in the Cobb salad?

Correct. - Okay, so take the eggs

from the Cobb salad,

take the bacon from the Cobb salad,

and put it on some toast.

Yeah, I see what you're trying to do there.

You're looking for a breakfast loophole.

It's not gonna work.

And you're not the first person to try.

- Do you need a little more time? - I'm not the first person to try the breakfast loophole.

It was Five Easy Pieces, remember?

- With Jack Nicholson. - Yes, yes, yes.

Do me a favor. Will you just ask?

I can ask. I will.

Thank you. And as long as you're asking,

- I brought my own eggs. Yeah. - This is kind of rude.

Could you give these to the chef?

- You brought these from home? - Yes, 'cause they're organic.

The ones you have are full of antibiotics.

They've done it for me before.

Okay, the chef knows that our eggs

- are not good enough for you? - Yeah.

And he knows that you like eating breakfast after 11:00?

Yeah.

I will go and see what he says about all that.

Thank you. - And I'll report back.

Thank you very much. Do your best.

Most restaurants have an omelet on the menu for lunch.

- Yes, yes. Exactly.

This should have been in the Disgruntled letter.

Yes, that should've been in the letter.

You know what else Disgruntled missed?

The bad eggs.

They-- they inject them with antibiotics.

- Yeah, antibiotics. - And then it gives men breasts.

You know, Larry could grow breasts.

The thought of Larry with breasts, I can't.

- I'd be pretty cute. It's not good for you.

Pretty, pretty, pretty cute.

So, how've you been since you stopped working?

Oh, well, yeah, it's a struggle, you know?

But I go to the meetings,

and Cyrus is incredible, my sponsor.

- Ah. - Big bear of a man.

- Looks like Hoss from Bonanza. - Oh, really?

And he thinks we should go to couples therapy.

- What? - He suggested it.

Interesting. - Yeah.

What do you think? You ever been to couples therapy?

No, we haven't really needed it. Although it can't hurt.

I want to do it very, very badly.

- Larry, I think it's a great idea. - No, it's a horrible idea.

- It's a terrible idea. Why is it a horrible idea?

- Why? - Because it's a wa-- It's a--

It doesn't do anything. It's a waste of time.

What-- It does! It does something.

I need it... for my recovery.

I need it. I really need it.

I think it's a really crucial part of my recovery.

No changes for six months. Can you promise me that, Larry?

Six months?

...important for me. So would you just--

- All right! - (SQUEALS) Good.

Look at you, huh? - Look at the tension.

All right, I have-- I have a referral.

Saved the Janowitzes' marriage, this woman.

That's what you need, is to be like the Janowitzes.

You know what? You should be so lucky

to be as happy as the Janowitzes.

- The eggs have arrived, everybody. - Oh!

- Thank you. - Here we go.

Here they are.

- So it wasn't that difficult. - Excuse me.

Eggs after 11:00? What is this?

Um, I will be right with you. Sorry.

- I'd like some eggs. Just give me one second.

Well, if he's getting eggs, I want an omelet.

Is there a different menu? - See what you did?

What? - This is what happens when you break the rules.

Yeah. Well, it's a stupid rule. Okay?

Is it? - Eggs are an all-day food.

Oatmeal! - By the way, I ordered pancakes.

Yeah, your wife actually changed your order

- while you were in the restroom. - What the fuck?

- Much healthier. Thank you.

- Thank you, once again. Everyone wants breakfast!

Breakfast burrito! - Oh.

Why does he get breakfast food?

Some butter?

Pancakes. Is that so hard?

I want scrambled eggs too!

The caftan business. You got to be A.D.A. compliant.

You know what?

I think this Willie Geist thing is gonna be good for you.

- Really? - I really do.

Hold on.

I got to tell you something.

I'm Disgruntled.

It's me.

- I'm Disgruntled. - (GASPS) You're kidding.

- You wrote that shit? - I wrote it.

Did you notice it was all the stuff we've talked about?

You tacked that thing up like you were Martin Luther.

But no one can ever know. I'll get kicked out of the club.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna say a word.

Oh, I'm not worried about you. I'm just saying no one.

It's the best thing you've ever done in your life.

You think so? - Yeah, I do.

- Have I done any other good things? - No.

So this is the only one? - This is the only decent thing.

I've ever done? - You've ever done.

- (WHEEZES) - Yeah.

Well, I'm Disgruntled.

What are you guys talking about?

None of your business! Yeah, what is that?

Come on!

You know what? Hmm?

That should be on your tombstone,

"I'm Disgruntled."

So, I took in this Black family after Hurricane Katrina,

and the guy's still-- he's still living there.

- Still here? - Yeah.

I-- I'm sure he's around somewhere.

Well, that was really big of you, Larry.

You've become a... kind of a liberal darling.

- Oh-ho! - They love you on MSNBC,

- I'll tell you that. - Liberal darling.

- Get the hell out of here. - Huh? Huh?

So you knew, Larry,

when you handed out that bottle of water,

you were breaking the law?

Yeah, of cour--

What, are you kidding? Of course, yeah.

And you're gonna plead not guilty?

Absolutely. It's such a stupid law.