Dan Wesley Sharron

- Hi. I'm Bobby Moynihan from one episode of "Portlandia."

Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

I feel very calm.

- Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

Do you have an idea of what you are?

- I think I might be frozen or cold in some way.

Open.

Oh, (laughs) hello!

- You are the only person that's ever guessed.

Really? I feel smart. (laughs)

Oh, my goodness. It's amazing.

I like these a great deal.

Can I go closer?

This is normally what my beard looks like.

I have never been more confused

about comedy than I am in this moment.

I don't know why,

but I automatically wanna talk Southern for some reason.

Yeah, what would you do if this was,

if you woke up and just saw this?

Hey. Good morning. (laughs)

All right, let's go find out who this gentleman is.

- Because we have to break this before PBS does

'cause they're on our ass, okay?

So we can go ahead and we we're gonna go ahead and hurry up.

So. Okay.

Okay. Ha. - Ah.

We all have a story to tell

and sometimes those stories need

to be shared with the world.

Good evening,

I'm Vic Michaelis, back with another edition of

"Very Important People."

Please introduce yourself.

- Why? - You're here

for an exclusive interview on "Very Important People."

I'm Vic Michaelis, and we're so happy

to have you in studio today. - Who?

Vic Michaelis, and I'm very happy

to have you in studio today.

What's a studio?

You're a frozen man. Did you know that?

Oh, yeah.

I just found out. (whimpers)

You just found out you were frozen?

And you just found out here on our show that you're frozen?

What is that? What?

What is that?

Did I stutter? What is that?

- That's a camera. Do you not know what a camera is?

Why's it so weird?

Why is it so weird?

Why is everything so fucking weird?

Well, that's your truth

and I'm happy to let you live there.

You are in Los Angeles, California.

Really?

- Yep. You're in Los Angeles. - Ooh!

Hollywood did something to you.

Hollywood?

Sort of East Hollywood.

- There's just so much happening right now.

- Sir, can I ask, what is the last thing that you remember?

Ice.

Okay, so I'm gonna tell you

what I know about this situation.

25 minutes ago, a hunk of ice came outta the back

of a freezer truck and there was a man stuck inside of it,

and that man was.

Steven Spielberg.

- No, that wasn't Steven Spielberg. It was you, sir.

Can I ask, what year do you think it is?

1986.

1986?

- Yeah. - Okay, well,

and brace yourself, it is 2024.

That's stupid.

That's a movie. Listen-

- What movie? - That's the future.

That's space stuff.

No, it's not space stuff.

You've been frozen in the ice. - This idiot.

Look at this idiot. - Nope, I'm not an idiot.

I went to- - It is 3009 today.

Nope, I went to UC Irvine.

I'm not an idiot. - Okay, Prince.

Okay, what?

I'm gonna go party like it's 1999.

That ain't never gonna happen. We ain't gonna get there.

Okay, sir, sir,

you were frozen in the ice.

What is the last thing- - Please don't call me, sir.

Please call me by my birth-given name.

- Okay, well, and this is actually an exclusive, here.

We are finding out what frozen man's name is.

Frozen man. What is your name?

Dan Wesley Sharron.

- Dan, what is the last thing you remember before ice?

I woke up in the morning.

Where?

At my home.

- Where is your home? - What are you accusing me of?

I'm not accusing you of, I'm a reporter,

so I'm asking you

the hard questions. - You're a reporter?

It was... See?

Where's your microphone?

It's small, so it's sorta,

it's in here. - Miss.

Please. - No, it's not.

- I'm- - It's sort of...

I'll check to see if I was married.

I don't have a ring,

but I have a very clear distinction mark-

- Okay. - Of one.

So, it sort of looks like you had a ring

at one point. - It looks like,

yeah, it looks like,

did you take my ring?

- I didn't take your ring. We didn't take anything.

Were we married?

- We were not. - Did you love me?

No. (laughs)

I think you're very charming,

but I'm actually, I'm married.

This is getting

a little steamy. - No, I'm married.

I'm married, actually.

- To me? - No, not to you.

- That's my wife. - I'm not.

Okay, no. (laughs) No, I got a husband.

I feel a little bit cooler now.

- Okay, well that's 'cause you're sitting on ice.

We were told that if you heat up too fast,

you're gonna have a heart attack

and die. - It's true. (sneezes)

- Dan. Okay. Wow. - Excuse me.

- (giggles) Sneezed out snow. Look at that.

We're still thawing out. - That was a trick.

I just doing... I'm in Hollywood.

- Okay. - I'm trying to get myself

a sitcom or something.

You know what? I love that.

- I'm realizing that like I feel different,

but at the same time, I don't know what I was or who I was.

Oh, I hope I wasn't racist.

- Well, Dan- - Do I sound,

I sound a little racist.

I think you just have

a southern accent. - I sound-

I think maybe that's a blanket

to put over the sound. - That's the accent

you think it is?

- What do you- - Cool.

I was frozen.

- Yes. - And then two gentlemen

dragged me into a studio.

Why has no one given me medical attention?

- Well, so I can actually answer that question.

When the news broke, you were sort of up the street

in that frozen truck.

- Uh-huh. - You've been frozen

for a long time.

We heard that you were right up the street,

an ambulance was on its way, and we said, "Get him."

Whoa.

- We- - You admitted to that-

- Well, no. - On these huge cameras-

- Well, no, it's- - Did you hear that?

And we told the ambulance to come here.

Call the police.

They're not gonna come. They're far.

You don't need

to call the police. - There are so many people

in this room and no one wants to help

the frozen man. - Hey.

Is this for me?

And you can take some of that.

- Iced coffee? Rude. - Okay, so,

we actually did something very special for you.

Something that we think

is gonna help you figure.

I have it drank anything in 300, well-

I wasn't good at math. That's why I deliver fajita meat.

- Okay! Hey, that's a little piece of information.

You used to deliver fajita meat,

and that's interesting

because you were found- - I'll never forget that.

In the back of a fajita truck.

That was probably my truck!

Okay, so there we go!

Little piece of exclusive information here.

Frozen man delivered fajitas.