Bob Rubin: Oddities and Rarities

Bob Rubin, I can't believe it. The last time I saw you was the '80s.

What was it? The Shoreline Amphitheater? You were dressed like a pink poodle,

and you jumped through a flaming hoop.

Yeah, I don't do that anymore.

Wow, Bob Rubin, I saw you at a nightclub 15 years ago.

You had a bottle of Jack Daniels in your hand.

You preformed for three hours.

Yeah, I don't do that anymore.

Whoa, Bob Rubin, is that you?

Dude, we did acid together in Golden Gate Park

at the Summer of Love reunion.

You wanna do some?

You wanna talk to God?

Nah, I don't do that anymore.

Whoa.

Ah hah!

Yeah!

Lighten up, everybody! The Old Rube's here!

Miniature golf, pitch and putt, par three, this madness has to end.

We have to stop puttering around and drive towards closing this wedge.

It's not a trap, and it's not rough, it's easy.

And it's the fairway.

You cannot petition a ball that's landed in the water.

The fish don't have to die!

Anyone can wear a green jacket.

I'm talking about love, love, love.

Come on, people! Now, smile on your putter!

Everybody get together, learn to live in a clown's nose right now!

The man's gonna come along,

and he's gonna try to take away all your childlike qualities

and steal all your hope.

Miniature golf didn't have to grow up!

You didn't have to take away the windmills and the zigzags and the railings.

You didn't have to make it tedious and boring.

It used to be fun!

You moved the hedge stones, but you never moved the bodies, did you?

There used to be a clothes line with a blanket over it,

and you'd stand there with your little fishing pole,

and then you'd take your string line and you'd drop it over,

and Grandma would tape a fish to the end of it.

That used to be sports fishing, but you made that grow up too!

Now, it's suffocate that bastard to within an inch of its life,

throw it back in, and Grandma's spinning in her grave!

Oh, the IRS, second mortgages, high interest rates, credit card debts,

the one percent.

What's my point? What's my point?

My point is, I meant to come out and say, "Hi, how you guys doing tonight?"

Hey, uh…

They think I'm getting booed.

Hey, did you ever see a carpenter get really angry and have a hissy fit?

No.

It's called the hammer throw.

What is this guy? I feel sorry for this guy.

What does he do when the Olympics just passes him by?

"Look at me, I can throw the hammer further than anybody.

But I'm living in poverty!"

There's no Hammer Capades. There's no pro hammer tour.

There's no hammer throw on ice.

This guy's fucked. But you know what?

Two days out of every four years, he's the king of the world!

What does he care? There's guys on TV playing cards,

and he's on food stamps. He doesn't care.

And that's not even what I wanted to talk about because the…

The crime rate

in the synchronized swimming community is skyrocketing!

What are they gonna do after the Olympics, you know?

Uh, Maybe get a gig at Dolphin World?

Or maybe get a gig in a fountain in front of a Vegas hotel,

living half their life below sea level?

It's just terrible.

Let me tell you something. I saw a woman on the street,

and she had on a swimsuit, a swim cap,

had a nose plug and an open guitar case.

She was on her back with her legs in the air,

and she was furiously kicking them.

In a rhythmic fashion, but just furiously kicking away, boy.

Oh, it made me sad, I gave her a dollar.

I went to an Indian casino…

and I went there to take back what they've been taking back...

what we took in the first place. But now, they're way ahead.

Oh, but they tricked me again.

Oh, sure, man.

They're raking it in.

And I don't even know why I go,

because they're just like the Vegas casinos, you know?

I expect these, uh…

I expect these casinos to be a little more tribal, you know?

I don't know, like, their pit bosses to be dressed in some sort of a…

pit boss shaman skin, you know? And…

Well, you're sitting there, you're playing blackjack, boy,

and you got a nine and five, and the dealer's showing a seven.

You don't know what to do, stand pat or take a hit.

And you look at the pit boss shaman, and he starts to go into a trance.

Now he starts chanting.

Then he hands you a petrified wooden ladle made by the ancient ones.

And you drink from the boiling mushroom concoction.

And now, suddenly, you're out running with the elk and deer.

Shit, you are an elk and deer.

And you're out there running around in a crystal redwood forest,

and then you turn into a centaur.

And now you're running around, and you're a centaur.

And then you replace Robert Goulet on the national touring show of Camelot.

And then you look below your hooves, and the emerald green field

gives way to a swirling hot light.

And you see the woman that you love. You look right into her eyes,

and she reaches into the void

and pulls you out of the pit of nothingness.

And then you kiss, and a strong wind blows and turns you both into sand.

And then, suddenly, you're back in your chair,

covered in sweat, and you yell out, "Hit me!"

You get a seven, that's 21.

Dealer flips a nine, that's 16. He pulls a ten, 26. Busted!

And as the chill still tingling up your spine,

the pit boss shaman leans in and says two words,

"Breakfast comped."

You gotta take care of yourself, boy.

That's why I've been enduring all these years.

Just the little things, really. For instance, breakfast time.

I don't butter my cheesecake anymore.

And I went and got a NutriBullet.

These things are small.

Very lovely item. I keep mine in my pants.

So, I've got mine in my pants, so I can come over to your house

and go into your kitchen, and sit on your counter,

because it's small enough to use everyday.

Are you gonna want to enjoy that? Of course you are.

Now, how's that for convenience?

Now, what if we took Einstein's Theory of Relativity,

made that small enough to fit on your countertop.

Do you think you'd want to use that everyday?

I think you would. You've got E equals MC squared,

and you've got a strange man with a NutriBullet in his pants.

You're out there, traveling the speed of light,

going back and forth, and every time you come back,

all your friends are dead, and you're enjoying delicious smoothies

out of a strange man's pants.

Now, how much would you pay for all that?

But you know what? It's convenient, you know,

and it is healthy, but I really...

You know, they had this guy on a long time ago and...

My favorite infomercial of all time...

They have this guy on the Juiceman Juicer, yeah…

Yeah, boy, he was one intense little fella.

You know, he was old.

I figure, back then, he was probably pushing 116, 117.

You know, you had gray skin, very leathery, very tan.

And had silver hair slicked back,

and he had lightening bolts for eyebrows, boy.

He's kind of bug-eyed. Really intense, you know?

And I said, "Shit, I gotta order this thing."

You know? It's late at night, I'm a little high, he's bug-eyed,

I gotta take it, or otherwise he'll just kill me

with his lightning bolts and…

Two weeks go by,

I don't get anything, man. I don't get the Juiceman Juicer.

Then one morning, I'm laying in bed, I got a weird feeling

there's somebody else in the room. You've had that feeling before.

Then I bolt upright in bed, whoa! There on the corner was the Juiceman.

They screwed up, man. Instead of sending me the Juiceman Juicer,

they sent me him.

"Get up, Rube. I got a good one.

First of all, thanks for buying the product.

Anyhow, this a great way to start your day.

We got apple, carrot, parsley,

and this circus peanut.

Because you can't just eat the fleshy center of that orange treat.

You gotta eat the peanut skin, boy,

because that's where all the phytonutrients are

that feed the trillions of living cells.

Look at me, I'm in the same shape I was when I blew fife in the Revolutionary War.

Oh, yeah, start juicing. You're gonna see the energy,

you're gonna see the difference, you're gonna see the healing,

you're gonna see brightly colored spinning soccer balls,

popping out out of nowhere!

Yes, sir, boy.

Hey, here's a good one for street performers.

A college degree you'll never use, crushed velvet…

parsley, in a puppet,

'cause you can't just eat the fleshy puppet center.

You gotta juice the puppet skin, boy.

Because that's where the trillions of nutrients are.

Live food, living cells…

living people, living food…

uh, rock operas, diesel fuel.

I'm a very disturbed man, and I need help now!

This is a good one for you, Rube. I'm not bullshitting you, here.

This will really get you going.

Cherry-flavored dust of the bones of people who have lived before us.

A box full of earlobes from the heads of young virgins…

parsley…"

"...and a 13-foot python,

because you can't just juice, you gotta ride the snake, baby!"

Whoo!

Juiceman, you gotta go home.

I was in the hospital, and they said…

They said, "That's it, man. You're done drinking."

They said, "You and alcohol don't mix anymore."

Yeah, they said, "You can't have another drink as long as you live."

And I just looked at him and said…

"Don't tell me what to do, this is the gift shop."