The Coroner

I thought I asked you to change the filter!

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just about to do it. Well, chop chop!

Don't talk to her like that. Oh, look who's up before noon!

I'm serious. She's a cleaner, not your slave.

Oh, please, I pay her enough, don't I?

Hm?

Be useful, then you can criticise.

I told you, I've got a job.

Oh, yeah. A whipping boy at a local pub.

A real, honest job. Do you know what that is?

Yeah, but you're worth so much more.

If you just tried, you could be someone!

What, like you - a bully?

No wonder Mum left. What did you say?

You know, he's right.

It's not my job to make your breakfast.

No, you're right.

Cleaning... is your job.

You have some serious issues!

You know what else your mother left behind? You!

What did you say? Ah! You want to hit me, huh?

You see, that's what I want to see! I want to see some fight in you!

Where you going? Kass!

Avast, me hearties!

If you're looking for freebooting fun for all the family,

head to the Black Dog! Ha-ha-harr!

Free grog at the Dog. And a leaflet for you.

And one for you, sir.

And one for you, madam. Have one of these.

Thank you very much, sir. Ha-ha-harr!

Hey. Where's your gusto, hearty lass?

Look at me. It's embarrassing!

You should've thought of that when you took my money.

Drop anchor at the Black Dog, ma'am! You'll love it!

Go on, heave to!

Show me what you've got. Come on!

Want to know what scurvy feels like?

Come and try our food at the Black Dog Inn!

Maybe you should carry on getting supplies.

Thanks for all your help. Brilliant!

Come to the Black Dog!

Come one, come all! Come have a ball!

All your liver could require and more! Ha-harr!

Get out! Get out! Don't make me hurt him!

Get out!

Come on, get out! Go, go! Go, go!

Kill-switch! Where does it go?!

Go! All right, go!

Do as you're told, get in! Get in!

All right, people, look lively.

I want the van's exact location radioed through en route, please.

Jen you're with me. Let's go, let's go!

Don't worry, short cut!

Get out!

Easy! Easy!

Go on, then, move!

Now, open it! All right, all right! Don't you look at me! Do it!

Get your hands through! Don't you fight me!

Keep still!

Stop wriggling, or I'll have you, boy!

Don't look at me!

Come on, we got to go! Come on!

Check out that camper for me, Jen, will you?

You all right, my friend? Yeah, yeah. They went out the back.

Jen?

Mike Oscar Two, suspects have fled out the back of the old fish market on foot.

Do you have eyes on them? Over.

Sorry, sir, there's hundreds of pirates out here.

So, who am I looking for exactly?

Morning.

Jane Kennedy.

Hi. Thanks. Right.

Morning. Morning. Good morning.

Oh! Why's it always the gruesome ones in the morning?

Right. White male, mid 40s.

No other clothes or ID. And no face.

Most likely cause of death, severe blunt trauma to the head.

That's going to make it harder to identify him. Oh!

Come on, Clint, it's your job. Make yourself useful.

What do you see?

Er... well, he's definitely dead.

You're a natural!

Look, a tattoo on his forearm.

It's like a skull crossed with arrows. That could help us.

See anything else? Er...

There. There's a laceration on the lower leg. Good.

Like maybe something was tied around it.

Oh, like a kill-switch for a jet ski.

Yeah! He... he takes a midnight jaunt at high speed,

falls off and bashes his head,

then comes loose and drifts to shore?

Very good.

Except, why's he in his pants?

Ah. Why's he not in trunks or a wet suit?

It's a mystery.

That's what makes this job so interesting.

It's too early for mysteries. Jane Kennedy.

Is she all right?

No, I'm... I'm on my way.

I'll be back, I'll be back! Where are you going?

Jane!

Right, get statements from the tourists, will you?

And I need CCTV from that shop.

Oh, and do us a favour, make us a decent cup of tea, I'm coughing feathers here.

Beth! Are you all right? I was so worried!

I'm fine, don't stress. How come whenever there's trouble,

I always find you in the middle of it?

I just wish I could've done something. It happened so fast.

You did the right thing, you kept your head down.

You wouldn't have. You'd have seen something that would have them locked up.

Oh, sweetheart, it's all right to be scared.

None of us know how we'll react under pressure. I do.

You never saw your mum get caught sneaking down a drainpipe by my old man.

Talk about a rabbit in headlights. What?! Mum!

Er... can I take her home? Yeah, we're done.

Can I just finish this tweet?

I really want to get us trending. Come on.

Oh, no! Oh!

What's wrong?

It's Annette. Wants me to pick up some lamb shanks for dinner.

Not a chance of that now, is there?

Have you got any leads?

I could try the butcher's, I suppose, or the supermarket.

No. How do you find three pirates in a town full of pirates?

Open it!

Morning. Morning.

These need your signature. Right.

And how's Beth? Yeah, she's OK.

Any news on our John Doe? Er... not yet.

There aren't any matching missing persons at present.

No hits on DNA comparison?

Nothing from police database or Interpol.

Also, nothing on fingerprints or dental records.

You've misspelt "excoriate".

What about cause of death? Er... not yet.

They're testing the blood for... microbial DNA?

Microscopic life forms.

They're usually present in the bloodstream if you've drowned.

Lovely. Well, we'll get the results in a few hours.

He's a genuine mystery.

You know what this means?

It means we've already got three open inquests that have names.

Can't we just pop this one to the bottom of the pile?

No. I'm on it!

Hold still, or I'll have your eye out!

We don't want that, now, do we?

You've got longer lashes than I do.

I'm jealous.

They were here, on the table.

I'm off now, Mr Shapur.

Remember? I asked to leave early for the festival.

Yeah, yeah. Go.

You lost something?

What's that supposed to mean? Nothing. Forget I asked.

Kass? It is time to get the apple keelhauling set up.

Shouldn't you be curled up at home?

Why? Don't think I can handle a few kids?

I heard you had it rough, is all. I'm fine, OK?

Mum and Gran are already treating me like I'm the victim.

Yeah, well, they're not tough like you and me, are they?

A little scare don't keep us down. Exactly.

Go on, then, weigh your anchor.

Davy Jones' pinata won't fill itself.

Aye-aye, Captain! Yeah.

Ah. You don't miss a trick, do you, Mick?

Those poor tourists don't see him coming.

I'm just proud of our cultural heritage, that's all.

Here, have you seen the parrot I got in?

Ho-ho-ho! The kids love him!

£5 a photo. My beauty!

Just don't try the grog.

Bottom-shelf booze he can't get rid of.

Tastes like paint-stripper.

Nonsense! That's fine Latvian cherry brandy.

And a healthy and refreshing soft drink called Digest.

I'll pass, thanks. I'm here for work.

You ever seen anyone with that tattoo?

Mick!

Here, well, I'm not sure I can say.

I mean, people are entitled to their privacy in their local.

They'll steer clear if they think I'm passing on information to you lot.

They won't be coming at all if Food Standards find out you have a parrot for a bartender.

Well, now I look at it,

the Bull's-eye Buccaneers have a similar tattoo.

They're a darts team who play here sometimes.

Got any names?

Yeah, Dick, Tony, I think.

And old Blackbeard.

He's always hanging out on that rust bucket of his down Catch Quay.

Why don't you go and bother him?

Thank you!

Pieces of eight!

Pieces of eight!

That's the one. She's a nasty lady, ain't she?

Kisses.

Hey, hey, Davey!

Jane thought you might recognise this tattoo. It's from our John Doe.

No idea, no. Sorry.

How's it going?

Yeah, it's all right.