The Exes

Ho ho, yeah!

Mm.

- Cheese. - Don't-

Charming. Is that the "no carbs, no manners" diet?

What? I'm going out. I'm in a rush.

- You got a date? - No.

I'm just going down to the bar with a couple friends.

Friends? What friends?

Just some guys.

- Guys? - Mm-hmm.

Uh, what guys?

All right, look, Stuart.

I'd ask you to come, but me and these guys go way back,

and I haven't seen them in a long time,

so you might feel a little out of place.

- Okay. - Okay.

- I get it. - Mm-hmm.

Just been cooped up in here all day,

sometimes it's nice to get out.

Remember that little talk we had about being wife-y?

You're right.

Sorry, go ahead. Have a good time.

All right.

Just call if you're gonna be late.

- Hi. - Hey.

Check out my new Louboutins.

- Pretty nice, huh? - Yeah.

You should have seen that chirpy little sales bitch.

"I'm sorry, I don't think we have them in your size. "

Guess who was wrong?

Her?

Yeah, damn straight.

I'm an idiot.

A complete idiot.

Is he waiting for us to disagree, or-

There's this hottie down at the ups store

that I've been having this flirty little thing with.

I've wanted to ask her out, but I kept putting it off.

Today I found out that she's- just started dating the guy

who delivers the bubble wrap.

Cocky bastard.

Well, why didn't you ask her out?

Oh, I was afraid she'd say yes.

Oh.

I mean, since my divorce

I haven't exactly been a dating machine.

I'm afraid I don't know how to do it anymore.

You know, what to say, what to do.

Oh, don't worry about it, buddy.

It'll all come back to you.

Dating's just like riding a bike,

if a bike had breasts.

A bike with breasts. That's all you've got?

- I'd ride one. - Phil.

How can you walk out on your friend?

He just lost out to the bubble wrap guy.

The bubble wrap guy!

Look, dude, you only need a little dating practice

to get your confidence back.

How am I gonna practice without an actual woman

to go on a date with?

Yeah. If only you knew a woman.

You know? A friend.

Someone who could help you out by, I don't know,

going out on a practice date.

Oh, gee, I gotta run.

Hohoho, no, Holly.

How can you hobble out on a buddy like that?

Look at him.

He looks like a middle-aged orphan on adoption day.

Oh, all right. I'll go on a date with you.

Great!

I'll order a pizza, and we can watch cage fighting.

No.

If we're gonna do it, we're gonna do it right.

Motel?

Of course, that would be crazy.

Unless you don't think so.

This evening, you will be taking me

to that lovely Italian restaurant around the corner,

where I will teach you the finer points

of how to date a lady.

- Uh, just one- - You're paying!

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Well, look who finally showed up.

I'm sorry, I was at home waiting for something.

- What? - You to pick me up!

It's a date.

Oh, my God, Haskell, are you eating already?

I was starving.

Because you were late.

Because you didn't pick me up!

Okay, uh, we're caught in a vicious cycle here.

Let's- let's start over.

Clean slate.

Fine.

My chair?

There ya go.

That was wrong, okay.

All right, I-I-I knew that. I knew that.

Here you go, here you go.

Okay. Here you go.

Okay, all right. All right, all right.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

- Thank you. - In addition to our

regular menu, you'll notice we also have some specials.

30 bucks for free range chicken?

How much for one stuffed in a crate with 20 of his buddies?

Excuse me, could you give me and his lordship a moment?

Oh, Hask. You've got to be kidding me.

You didn't pick me up. You ate before I got here.

You're dressed like it's buffet night at the track.

It's like you've never gone on a date before.

How did you even romance your ex-wife?

I never had to. Women have always chased me.

That's how it is when you're a professional athlete.

You were a professional athlete?

In a sport?

That involves movement?

Yes.

- I was a bowler. - Oh.

P.B.A. eastern region champion three years running.

Are you serious?

Toured all the hot spots in the country.

Scranton, Albany, paramus. The golden triangle.

That's how I met Margo.

Tight leopard pants

and cleavage you could keep your scorecard in.

Mm.

The second we locked eyes, she was mine.

You're an intriguing guy, Haskell.

This is the kind of stuff you should be talking about

on a date.

All right, so tell me something else about you.

I have 11 toes.

Don't get me wrong, man, I love where music is going

nowadays, but I'm just not down with this autotune.

Anything that can make my Nana sound like Lil Wayne

just ain't right.

She does kind of look like him,

3 feet tall and has the grill.

Those are dentures. And don't go there with my Nana.

Oh.

Looks like I found the fun table, huh?

Hey, Stuart, what are you doing here?

Oh, I just came down for a drink and a little bonhomie.

Bonhomie?

Oh-oh, okay. Okay, all right.

- Stuart, sit down. - Okay.

Chris, Walter, this is my roommate, Stuart.

- Hey. - Hey, what's up?

Mm, mm, mm, mm. Mm, mm, mm, mm, aha!

Not to criticize,

but, uh, I think one of you guys got that wrong.

Anyway, don't let me interrupt

what you guys were talking about.

Okay. We were talking about music.

We were talking about Coachella.

We were talking about the Tupac hologram.

We were talking about Kanye.

Yeah. Anybody hear the new Kenny G album?

- No, can't say that I have. - Eh, me neither.

Well, do yourself a favor, check it out.

Dude lays down some very funky grooves, you know?

Yeah.

Do you guys remember that time

we snuck into the Run-DMC concert at the Garden?

- Oh! - Oh, right, right, right.

- Right! - Yeah, you two

got in, and I got stuck hanging with that big girl.

Oh.

You married her.

- Yeah, I did, I did. - Yeah, you did.

Yeah, I'll tell you,

I will never forget my first Kenny G concert.

Yup, I came for the hair, stayed for the music.

Oh, Haskell.

You know, I had a great time tonight.

You are more than ready to start dating.

Thanks. I just hope I find somebody

who's as easy to talk to as you.

- I'm sure you will. - Well-

Good night.

So what's new with you?

Last night, I went out on a practice date with Haskell.

Oh, it's so sweet he's helping you practice.

He wasn't helping me- I was helping him!

He's been feeling insecure about dating, so I helped him out.

But, uh, at the end of the night, he kissed me.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Cheek or lips?

Well, I went for the cheek, but he went for the lips.

Dry or wet? Open or closed? Peck or linger?

Are you done?

Tongue or no tongue?

All I know is, friends don't kiss friends on the lips.

I don't know what happened.

I was just trying to do the guy a favor, and now he's into me.

Oh, how can you be so sure?

Trust me, hon. I saw the look in his eyes.