Outcome

Got a little treat for you tonight. My first guest is a young man,

and when I say young man, I mean a young man.

He's landed the lead role in an NBC pilot,

and he won that audition with a song and dance routine,

and we thought he did it so well that you might like to meet him tonight.

Would you welcome Reef Hawk.

- - Reef.

- - Sure.

Sure.

Reef Hawk, for the last four decades, America's favorite movie star.

What an unbelievable career you've had.

Starring in three of the biggest franchises in film history,

winning two Oscars.

And this fall, you'll shoot the biggest movie you've ever made.

You've had five years off to reflect.

I mean, is that what you're gonna say? "Reflect"?

I mean, h-how are you going to frame the five years thing?

Also, I should literally be a famous-ass interviewer.

Even when I'm fake interviewing I'm, like,

- incredible at it. - Incredible.

Thank you. So, what are you gonna say about the five years thing?

Well, I was thinking I was going to say…

…I've been working since I was six and needed a break,

and that I needed to find out who I was away from all this.

- I love that. - Mm-hmm, that works. Totally.

I won't say that I was hiding a heroin addiction from the public,

and that my best friends from high school and my insane lawyer

helped me cover it up for years

- so no one ever found out. - Hmm. That is a really smart omission.

- Strong omish. - Mm-hmm. No admish.

You're gonna be amazing, babe.

- You got this. - Yeah.

- I'm very lucky to have you two. - Mm-hmm.

And thank you both for being here, and thank you for helping me.

Yeah, babe. Now get out there and tap-dance for Mommy.

- Yeah, there are the jazz hands. -

That's it.

- - Two minutes.

All right, look. Before we get started, I just gotta say

this is a career highlight for me.

You, Tom Cruise, Denzel,

- you're my favorite actors of all time. - Thanks.

So, look, first we're gonna start off with the box office records and, uh…

- What? - Do you… Do you mind?

I don't know if anyone talked to you but, um…

- Oh, my God. He's… - Oh, my God.

- Oh, no. - He's asking about the Oscar thing.

I know. I can tell.

When you introduce me, would you mind not forgetting to say

"two-time Oscar winner" before you say Reef Hawk?

Of-Of course. I was planning on doing it anyway.

I mean, I thought it was something serious. Of course, man.

- - Yeah. I mean, I-I would…

I would never even say it. It's just that sometimes

people forget.

Who forgets?

You are the most beloved movie star in the world.

I'm just honored to have you on the show.

- It's gonna be a cakewalk for you. - Oh, thanks, man.

Hi. How are you?

We're Reef's best friends from high school,

but, like, we have our own lives too.

- We're just here supporting him, yeah. - Here to support.

But, listen, you are so fucking charming.

- Yeah. - Uh, enough of that.

I don't want to fan out too much. Uh, you ready?

Yeah, let's go for it.

- Let's go for it. -

- Let's try one. - We'll get one going. Here we go.

Three, two, one.

Tonight I'm interviewing somebody I never thought I would interview.

I'm talking about a legend, an icon, what is there even to say?

Reef Hawk is in the house.

Welcome.

Oh, wait. Sorry, I messed up.

I left out the Oscar part. I-I'm sorry.

Guys, got to do it again.

- Sorry about that. - No. Oh, no.

- We're leaving this in. - No, no, no.

- - No, we are not starting over.

People at home need to see this.

Let me tell you right now, if I'm ever the kind of out-of-touch jerk

who needs to restart an intro because you didn't mention an award,

brother, we got way bigger problems.

My man. My man.

Look, that's why the world loves you, man.

The real Reef Hawk. That's amazing.

Reef Hawk, are you ready?

- We're already started. - Yes, we are.

- We've got to go. - All right. Babe, babe.

I know you love MOPing with the crew,

but we're gonna hit crazy traffic if we don't get out of here.

What's MOPing?

M-O-P.

- Man-of-the-People-ing. -

That's actually pretty fucking funny, homey.

- Thanks. - Yeah, we should get going.

All right, can I talk to you guys for a second?

- Of course. Hey, guys. - Yeah.

- Thanks so much. - Oh, we're good.

- Thank you. - Bye.

Uh, did anyone else see the silver fox eye-fucking me?

- What? Ooh. - I am so serious.

It was so blatant and out in the open, I almost want to, like, write an op-ed.

- Really? - But I liked it.

- Reef. - Reef.

- Reef. Reef. Whoa. - What are you doing?

- Whoa. -

We don't know those guys.

They could literally go online and say that I was, like,

being fake or MOPing or whatever insult you just said,

and then people will think that I'm like that.

Okay.

- So… - "So"?

That would be, like, a fucking disaster.

- Reef, chill out, dude. - Yeah.

- Dude, take a deep breath, okay? - Take a deep breath.

It's just…

- It's just that you-- -

It's just that you're always being watched these days and observed.

- Yeah. - Everywhere.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's really weird.

It's really weird.

- Okay, but, babe, you just have to-- -

- It's okay. - Yeah.

Look, it… This was, like, a really stressful situation for you.

- Yeah. - So just take a deep breath.

- It's all good. - I'm sorry, okay?

- Yeah. - I… I was just being dumb

- and trying to be funny, and… - Yeah.

- No, I'm sorry. - No, please.

- I have a lot of anxiety today. I just… - Of course.

- It was huge. - My bad.

- You don't have to do that. - No, come on.

- Love you guys. - Come here.

- Aw, you love us. - Mmm, you love us.

- I love you guys. - We love you.

- By the way, you were amazing. -

- Oh, my gosh. He is a fan. - You got everything you needed.

- Yeah? -

Oh.

Shit.

- Hello. - Bubbi, it's Ira.

We got a big fucking problem.

It's fucked up. It's really fucked up.

It's a total fucking nightmare.

I'll be over at 10:30 a.m. tomorrow.

I'll have my assistant text your assistant my breakfast order.

Beg her not to fuck it up for me.

- -

Do I have shit on my face?

- Yes. - I do?

- Yes. - Oh, my God. That's fucking embarrassing.

- Jesus. - Ira, tell me what the fuck is going on.

There's a video.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

- What's on it? - I have no idea.

I thought you buried everything

that needed to be buried without it getting out to the public.

When I got sober five years ago, I changed my life.

And thank God you did. But since you've been out of the game,

everything's changed.

For the record, you are the GOAT. The true GOAT, Bubbi.

You were the best to ever do it. I swear to God.

I hate to say it, but it's nice to be back on the fucking court with ya.

We used to be out here in these streets

smashing fucking concrete, getting our hands dirty.

Hollywood was our goddamn glory hole.

These kids today, they don't know how we used to do it.

You, me, Rourke, little Chucky Sheen,

Stephen Hawking, you know, the original Pussy Posse?

You boys kept me busy, didn't ya?

Can't you just make this go away like you always used to?

I can't, Bubbi. The Internet changed everything.

I know you're panicked,

and we used to get this shit wrapped up with a briefcase of cash in a day or two.

It ain't like that anymore.

- - You can text me or call me

twenty-four hours a day, just like the old days.

Except for Tuesdays from 3:00 p.m. till about 10:00 p.m.

What's on Tuesdays?

Personal shit. Don't worry about it.

- Oh. - What?

- Huh. -

- Are you okay? - Mm-hmm.

Do I have to be in here?

Can't I just wait until you're done?

Bubbi, I'm on a massive time crunch.

By the way,

- I love this gay wallpaper. - Thanks.

Xander bought all the art in the house.

Very colorful.

Very gay and classy.

Look, Bubbi, there are some steps we can take in the meantime