Jukebox

I'm Chris Redd,

and I hope they make me a owl that knows everybody,

so it never says, "Who?"

Or like a bear who don't like honey

and is tired of the stereotypes.

Or a bat that wish he could be Batman, but he's just a bat,

and that's not as cool at all.

No gadgets, just shittin' in caves.

Today, we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

What am I?

- Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

That's crazy. (laughs)

I'm nervous as shit. (chuckles)

Yo, hold up.

I'm a big-ass "Toy Story." (chuckles)

Oh, shit, this is actually dope.

This is my childhood dream, son.

Can I wear this home?

Hey, yo, I got an ass, though.

That's crazy.

Just space ass. (laughs)

I've been in space a long time, baby. (chuckles)

That's why I lost my wife.

I was never married.

I be lying. (laughs)

I'm here to save your planet.

But after being here for a while,

let it be done.

I'm the only other Black robot.

Turns out racism still exists even when you're plastic.

I was trying to do an open mic on Jupiter. (chuckles)

It's not solid.

They call me Jukebox.

That's right, baby,

'cause I keep the music going as I blast alien ass. (laughs)

Okay, I'm just gonna...

We all have a story to tell.

And sometimes those stories need

to be shared with the world.

Good evening.

I'm Vic Michaelis back with another edition

of "Very Important People."

Please, introduce yourself.

My name is Jukebox.

I'm an intergalactic warrior from the year 4055.

But I am a time traveler, so I guess where I'm from

and what time I'm from

does not matter.

One second.

- Okay, oh. - Just gotta...

One second.

So how are you? You good?

Like an elevator.

- There. - Oh. (laughs)

- Hey. - Well, Jukebox,

thank you so much for joining us here.

- Oh. - It was quite hard to get you

on the show today.

I was actually in the middle

of a battle with the chicarras.

I know you don't know what they are,

but they're like real big cicadas with big ole booties.

Okay.

And the booties are venomous.

Well, that's interesting.

- So you just arrived on Earth somewhat recently?

Yes, I came to warn you guys

that there's a huge war coming. (chuckles)

Nothing new to you.

Well, there's war sort of in the planet.

Here, sort of in Los Angeles,

we don't get war here very often.

- I don't know, I saw 70 STD billboards on my way in.

Seems like a war is in your pants.

Well, you know,

we just sorta call that normal.

You know, that's sort of just our day-to-day life.

Sometimes the streamers sort of...

Do you know streamers?

Streamers?

Oh, yes.

When you shoot an alien's chest

and his butt streams across the sky.

So it's a little different here.

It's like sort of we have like you put TV shows

and they're online.

Oh.

- Sometimes they're like, "We want the 'Friends' catalog."

And the other one's like,

"Well, we want the 'Friends' catalog."

(laughs) Friends.

All mine died in the war.

Right.

- See, the thing about war is you lose some, you win some.

And as far as me and my platoon,

we are the Cleveland Browns of space war.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, we win, but not often.

I see.

So pre-war, what is your Earth like

on the day-to-day?

Pre-war.

Oh.

Oh. (laughs)

Every day, someone dies.

It's kinda like here. (chuckles)

I don't know if that's the right emotion

for what we're talking about.

I haven't updated my program of emotions.

Seems like you need an iOS update.

You got Apple in your planet? (chuckles)

Yeah.

Do you have a charger?

- Uh, yeah, I think we got a phone charger.

Cool 'cause I might shut down

in the middle of this interview.

- You use a, (chuckles) use an iPhone charger?

You would think.

We have spaceships.

- Sure. - We have sea ships.

Mm-hmm.

- And we have gigantic army men all charged

from a Apple charger.

Can I be honest with you?

Uh-huh.

I'm sort of looking at this suit.

Yes.

From afar, I mean, tough.

- Really awesome from afar. - Strong.

And then I'm looking and it's just,

it looks like it could fall apart in the wind.

I've been in 1,000 wars for a millennia

and I feel every bump and every hit.

Okay, but how did your war get started?

Our president-

- Sure. - He's a duck.

He was...

He was getting some coffee in a cafe,

and a man said, "Get that damn duck out of this cafe."

He had no idea that ducks exist

and are allowed to be in a cafe.

He had no idea that ducks existed

and allowed to be in a cafe,

but presumably, this duck ran for president

in the first place.

And won.

And won. - Won.

Against a human man.

Right.

(chuckles) Crazy.

- So it is crazy that a duck would be president,

even in your world.

Absolutely.

Who votes for a duck?

You voted for this duck?

Oh, my God, his policies.

What are his policies?

Oh, free everything.

That seems terrible for the economy.

Oh, it crashed immediately.

Turns out a duck has no business running a country.

So this duck runs for president.

Yes.

The economy falls apart immediately.

Absolutely.

- And I'm assuming that is when the war begins.

- The war began immediately between animals, human beings.

What side of the war are you on?

'Cause, I'm sorry if this is offensive

or insensitive in any way,

you look to sort of be partially a robot

or maybe some sort of a machine.

Oh, this is a very sensitive topic.

And I apologize.

That I'd like to dive in head first.

Okay.

I'm human and robot.

- Oh. - I'm half and half,

all robot. - Robot.

Some human.

Not in the places

I want to be. - All robot, some human.

What do you mean by that?

My heart.

You have a robot heart.

My heart is robotic

and it beats to the sound of rhythm and blues.

- We actually have one of your echocardiograms here,

if we can take a listen at that.

I mean, that's catchy.

I go to bed every night blessed.

So with a nation at war,

prior to you coming here to warn us

to not make the same mistakes-