Veep

Well, this last year has been fun.

You know, really fun.

I mean, I'm not gonna lie.

You know, to have gotten so close to the presidency

and then have the American people

and Congress reject me was, um...

Was devastating.

But, um...

I did reacquaint myself with an old friend of mine

by the name of Selina Meyer.

And I like her.

That's fantastic.

If you're just joining us,

former president and my old boss Selina Meyer

is with us live for her first public appearance

since the historic vote

in the House of Representatives one year ago today.

Madam President, why now?

Well, Dan, I realized that I have more of myself to give.

This is a big day, people.

Campaign starts right now,

because we are going to make Buddy Calhoun

the next governor of this dried coyote turd of a state.

My campaign manager and fiancée, Amy Brookheimer.

Just say "campaign manager."

I love that enthusiasm.

Reminder... Nevada is the Sagebrush State...

Yeah, so saddle up those emphysema tanks, you inbred cousin-fuckers,

'cause we are going to drag this state into the 20th century.

That's right, I said 20th.

Tracy, how are we doing on yard signs?

Writing a memoir, I feel,

is a debt that a president owes to history.

- Amen. - Shh.

Selina: And I'm doing my best

to help the scholars of the future

reckon with the Meyer years...

Year.

Um, um,

in America's

great tapestry of history.

Now, your predecessor,

- President Stuart Hughes... - Mm-hmm.

His memoir has reportedly fetched

an advance of $20 million, while yours...

Selina: Yeah, I'm really much more focused

on... the tapestry itself...

The weave, the thread count,

the old lady at the loom...

We're looking for a few small tweaks

in federal tax law concerning independent contractors,

which brings us to our very own mover and shaker,

Beltway Ben.

Thanks, Aiden.

What we need to do...

Uh, I don't have a slide show thingy.

- Sorry. - It's called a deck.

Great.

So, what we need to do

is to get this on to the desk of Congressman Jarvis.

Without him, we don't have a Chinaman's chance.

- I'm sorry, Ben. - Yes?

Here at Uber and in the rest of the world

the word "Chinaman" is considered

inappropriate.

No, no, no. It's okay.

My wife is Oriental.

All of them have been.

I kind of got yellow "fev-ah."

Now, you've recently drawn some criticism...

Mm-hmm.

Over an 11th-hour pardon

of billionaire, private prison magnate Sherman Tanz,

who's under indictment of tax evasion and bribery charges.

I have pardoned hundreds of nonviolent drug offenders,

many of them adults, who never learned to read,

which is a tragedy.

But Sherman Tanz...

And that is why I'm taking this opportunity

to announce my charitable organization,

the Meyer Fund for Adult Literacy.

Certainly a worthwhile cause, but if we could bring it back to Sherman Tanz...

And AIDS.

Wow.

- AIDS? - Yes, AIDS.

AIDS is a big part of the tapestry.

Explain. Connect the dots for me.

Jonah: My fellow representatives,

my conscience demands that I speak out against HR723,

the so-called "Healthy School Lunch Act."

Dessert is an apple.

I mean, it's no wonder kids are shooting up schools

with lunches like these.

When I was a kid, I ate sloppy joes,

pizza on a bagel.

The only green bean I ate was a green jelly bean

and I grew up to be so tall,

my stupid mom had to get a different car.

I will fight against green beans

the same way that I fought against my deadly disease

called cancer.

For the children.

Yeah, well, I think sometimes people forget

that I was the first female president.

- Before Montez. - Oh, that's right.

Ah, well, speaking of President Laura Montez,

she won the Nobel Peace Prize for her work in Tibet. Unprecedented.

- What did you think of her speech? - Ugh.

I didn't really get a chance to see it because I was...

I was out of the country.

This is really great.

- No! - Uh-oh.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

- ( singing on TV ) - ( sighs )

- Before I let you go... - Uh-huh.

I've got to ask what we're all thinking...

- The White House. - Mm.

So, you're definitely not gonna run again in three years?

I have no plans to run

at this time.

I'm also very busy with adult literacy.

- And AIDS? - And AIDS, yes.

- We must never forget AIDS. - Certainly not.

A very special thank you to our very special guest,

President Selina Meyer.

- He's a great guy. - Oh.

Back to you, Jane.

Thanks, Danny.

Danny Egan has been filling in

as my cohost this week,

and we think that he is doing a terrific job.

We'll be right back with more "CBS This Morning."

- Man: And we're clear. - Selina: Okay, well, we got that done.

- Madam President, it's so good to see you. - Jane!

- Oh, for goodness sakes. - You let your hair grow.

- Yeah. - We should have lunch now that you're back.

- Good, good. Wonderful, wonderful. - Thanks. Ciao.

- What is she like? - Oh, I love her.

'Cause I've heard she's a complete gash and a half.

- Yeah, she really is. Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, thank you so much for doing this.

I am so glad to hear that you're feeling better.

Oh, come on, come on. Everything's... yes.

- Gary. - Dan.

So, how did I do? Somebody tell...

- ..how I did. Literally, anyone. - Oh, my God, you were fantastic.

- You were great, ma'am. - Thank you, Richard.

- Oh, absolutely. - Thank you.

I need my coat and I need my purse.

Can you believe this?

On the anni-fucking-versary of the historic House vote.

I feel like we're celebrating my frat house gang rape.

Except I didn't even get a candlelight vigil.

I love candles.

Hey, Richard, what else do we have lined up for me?

You've got interviews the rest of the day, ma'am.

Yeah, but you got to call Wilner at the "Times."

"Indianapolis Times," got it.

And "Time Magazine," let's get in touch with them

because the world really needs to know...

- About the gang bang thing? - Oh.

Well, I know you.

- Oh. Hey. - Hey, hey.

- So? - Sublime.

- Yeah? - Lee, just sublime.

So, you don't think I came off too...

Insane? Not at all.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, good. What about when he threw

the Hughes question at me about the advance?

- I mean... - I didn't actually watch the interview,

but everybody's talking about how gorgeous you looked.

- Oh, good. - Yeah.

You wanna try that new place I was telling you about?

I gotta bolt, but I will catch up with you all later, though.

So... wait a minute. You're not coming back to the office?

No, I got an unofficial lunch

with a potential big foreign donor for the Meyer Fund.

That could get us into trouble down the line.

Señor Ocampo is having trouble nudging his visas through,

so I called our friends over at the State Department.

That definitely will.

I look forward seeing you in your entirety a little later.

- Oh, my God. - Nice. Okay. Bye.

- Adios. - Okay. Not a word.

Seriously, not a word, all right?

Ma'am, they're saying it's gonna take an hour longer

to get to the offices because of traffic.

What's going on?

- President Montez is in town addressing the UN.

It's gonna be pretty exciting.

A minute of your time, Congressman Powder?

- Absolutely, Roger. - What?

Congressman Minority House Leader Furlong.

Do you know what the chief agricultural product

of my district in Ohio is?

I'll give you a hint... Looks like Will's wife's clit.

- Mangos? - No. Tell him, Will.

- Green beans. - That's why I spent two months jamming them

into that school lunch bill like what, Will?