The Car

Let's see how good you are.

You've got it, baby. I'll race you. Come on.

You're a little slow this morning, Peter.

You're getting old.

Yeah? Now who's getting old?

Well, how's that for slow?

Man, that got to be work.

Yeah.

Listen, you gotta give me a second chance.

- I'll race you through the tunnel. - You're on. Hadn't had enough?

- OK. Ready, set, go. - Hey!

Give a girl a break.

Move over.

Hey!

Oh, my God, what is this guy doing?

Pete! Oh, God, what is he doing?

- What do you think you're doing? - God!

Suzie, get away! Suzie!

Shit! Oh my God!

Oh, God!

Oh, no! Oh, my God!

Oh, God!

Good morning. I love you. Wade?

- What's going on? - I'm watching you sleep.

That's about it from here. Now back to you, Curt.

You've got dragon breath.

You really know how to hurt a guy. What time is it?

It's 6:30.

I think I heard the girls, too.

- Don't they ever sleep? - Not when I'm here, they don't.

Come on, you know that's bull.

Good morning, Captain, good morning, Son

Do you need another mule skinner

Out on your new mule run?

Did you ever notice it's impossible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?

Everybody knows that.

- Wade? - Boy, I feel great.

Did you leave a hair on the soap?

Yes. No!

You know, what we all have to do is just sit down and talk.

Wade, you've been saying that for months.

When are we going to do it?

- I just want the girls to like me. - Say what?

I said, what's a nice boy like you doing working in a place like this?

- Well, come on, little lady, I'll show you. - No, Wade.

Come on. No you don't, come back.

You do that again. Wade.

- I got you. - No.

I gotta go home. I gotta get dressed.

Margie's gonna pick me up for school at 7:45.

- We got 10 minutes. - Wrong.

You fell asleep last night, and you blew it.

So now, suffer, baby.

Lauren, Lauren?

- We got seven whole minutes. - No.

- Look. - What? Did I fall in love with a stopwatch?

- We're running out of precious time. - Wait, no.

I've got to get to work.

Come to me, my little French maid.

Little manoeuvre I learnt from one of my fourth graders.

She had all the little boys terrorized, got all their ice cream money.

Fat little slob she was, but the queen. She was the queen.

Easy, baby.

Stand up slowly, put your hands on your head.

Wait.

Now, you listen to me, copper.

You move towards that door, see?

And I move slowly towards the back door.

At the same time, Lauren?

You wake your sleeping beauties...

I leave discreetly, and you leave in one piece.

Anything you say, Captain Queeg.

A simple... would have been enough.

Do you think your father would have approved of me?

Would he have had a choice?

- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

All right, you phonies, get dressed, double time, and don't forget the helmets.

You have your orders.

I'm getting out of here.

- Daddy! - No, I'm not.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Don't hit me. Stop it, you'll wake the boy.

Damn it, I said shut up!

I don't wanna hear any more from you. Do you hear?

Always sneaking out! You hit me again, I'm gonna call the police.

- The police? - I swear.

You'll call the police, will you?

You've been messing around with that barmaid all night, I know.

I'm gonna come home when I want to without any sass from you.

You're messing around with that barmaid.

- Now you're starting up again! - Hey, mister!

What the hell are you?

I just don't think you ought to be hitting that lady.

You don't, huh?

That's my wife. And none of your damn business.

Now get the hell out of here.

All right, stay cool now.

Wait a minute.

That was you that woke me up with that bugle.

No, sir, that's impossible.

This isn't any bugle, this is a French horn.

Well, get it on out of here before I wrap it around your neck.

All right, I'm doing it. Don't get excited now.

Watch this. See this little thing?

This has got a hole all of its own right in there, see?

Goes in like that.

Watch how neatly this fits right in here. Isn't that cosy?

See how silent it is?

What the hell are you saying?

Who, me? Nothing.

Nobody's saying anything around here.

Even my little friend in the tree stopped singing.

Well, he's smart.

And I'm giving you five minutes to move on out of here.

Well, I can't move too fast, all I got is my thumb.

Well, stick it out and hope.

And if I hear another sound out of that thing...

I'm gonna ram it so far up your ass, you'll be farting music for a year.

Wouldn't that be fantastic?

Farting music.

For a year.

Get in the house, Jimmy. Go on, Son.

OK, this is it.

He's gonna stop.

No, actually, she is gonna stop.

Oh, my Lord.

She's gonna be a 34-year-old nymphomaniac.

And we're gonna go to the Amazon Basin together and water ski.

I think I can handle it. I'm ready.

Hi. My name's Johnny Norris, what's yours?

Oh, my, are you a darling-looking lady. I'll pay the tolls.

Slow down, you won't even see me!

Up yours with a splintered fiddle, you son of a bitch!

That'll teach you to jump to conclusions.

Bye, bird.

Debra, you're such a cheater.

- I am not. - You are so.

You just can't jump where your rocks are.

You think you just gotta keep doing this.

You don't. Now throw your rock.

OK, ladies, mount up.

Let's ride.

Daddy, how come she always sneaks out before we get up?

Debra.

Why don't you let Miss Humphries live with us?

Just until Mum comes back, you know.

That's not the way it works.

- I think it is. - Oh, Debra.

Daddy, what she means is that...

well, we know it was bad between you and Mother.

And maybe you're scared of getting married to her again.

Well, what would you guys think if I married Lauren?

You still like it when I cook, don't you?

Sure, as long as I don't have to eat Brussels sprouts.

- And when I vacuum on Sundays? - Who vacuums?

We vacuum. But you like it, don't you?

Kiddos, you guys are the best.

- OK, then it's settled. - This is grown up talk, huh?

I'll get on first.

Thompson, this is 402.

Good morning, Wade. What's up?

Usual trip to school. I'm on my way in.

Wade, there's something up at Amos Clements' place.

You might wanna check it out.

OK.

- Where's your helmet, Daddy? - I'll wear it twice tomorrow.

You'll bonk your head.

Do as I say, not as I do, yeah. Hang on, turkeys.

Not so tight.

Then he drove on out past my dynamite truck.

- I was looking out my window right at him. - What time was it?

- Well, around 7:00. - You're sure about that?

You betcha. Four times.

- How many times? - Four times.

Well, are you sure, Amos?

Damn right, I'm sure. He ran him down backwards...

then he ran forwards over him, and he did that twice.

- Four times all together? - Four times.

What kind of a car was he driving?

- I don't know. - Was it foreign or domestic?

- A little of both. - What color?

- Grey, black, maybe. - Sedan?

What the hell, am I on trial here?

Station wagon? Hardtop? Two-door? Four-door?

- I think a two-door. - All right.

Convertible? Sunroof? Vinyl top? Landau top?

A guy was getting ground to hamburger, I wasn't taking notes.

- Are you sure you're all right? - What's it to you? She's great.

What about the plate?

- I don't know. - Did it have a plate?

- I don't know. - Color of the plate.

- I don't know. - You saw it.

- I didn't seen nothing. - Bullshit. You saw two doors.

What with all that dust in the air, how could I tell anything for sure?

I don't know. Damn it, I don't know.

What do you mean, for sure?

Well...

maybe the top...

was squeezed down low.

There was no plate.