Santa Clarita Diet

You bit your finger off? What problem was that solving?

Obviously, it was an accident.

How do you accidentally bite off an appendage?

Because I was trying to keep my shit together around Carl,

who I didn't kill, by the way.

No credit there. Fine.

I was biting my nails. Then all of a sudden, crunch.

Jesus Christ.

You're stress-eating yourself. Did anyone see you?

No. I ran to the bathroom and wrapped it up.

And by the time I got back, the investor had left.

It's a clean bite.

- You think it can be reattached? - I don't know.

Maybe there's a way to stick it back on.

Rubber band, extension cord... chip clip?

No.

Billy Joel CD, Blockbuster card...

Hey, one of our stress balls. Remember these?

"You won't be stressed when you work with the best."

Well, I think I'm pretty fucking stressed.

Is this your toe?

I didn't wanna throw it out.

Well, it shouldn't be in the junk drawer. It should be...

Well, I guess we can put it back in here for now.

The only good thing was Carl screwed up his pitch so badly,

that the investor wants to hear my idea.

So you and I are gonna go present it to him tomorrow.

No. You can't be around Carl. You're chewing off pieces of yourself.

Carl won't be there. He was so humiliated

that he claimed he'll be busy golfing with all the living presidents.

You could see on his face he knew he overreached.

Carl may not be at that meeting, but there'll be a hundred more meetings.

By the time we finish this project, you'll just be a mouth on a chair.

Jesus, Joel.

A mouth I would still proudly call my wife.

Well, I'm not giving up on this project.

I don't want to stop living just because I'm undead!

- Shit! - Shit!

Did you see where it went?

- Oh, my God. - Did you find it?

Abby's pacifier.

- Oh, my God, her "mi-mi." - I know. So fast.

- Shit! - Shit!

I got your text that it was the clams. That's great news.

I've already started researching where Japopo's gets them.

Now's not a good time.

Real quick. Couldn't find their supplier online, but I have a plan.

Tomorrow, we go to Japopo's posing as a father-son seafood company.

We're business partners, we're friends, we're family.

My wife lost her finger.

Like in a crab trap? Probably hard to work that in,

but it's great that you're already thinking about backstory.

Found it!

And we've got ants.

Just get inside.

Do you think we can fix it?

Yeah, because my toe would never stay on.

Well, your toe rotted off, so it was dead-dead.

But your finger was severed, so it's more living-dead,

which means if we set it, there's a chance it can go back to normal.

What if it doesn't?

I guess you could say you had an accident.

Joel and I were thinking crab trap. Right, "Dad"?

We're not posing as father-son seafood distributors.

The guy at Japopo's already thinks I'm making a documentary about tipping.

Don't get me wrong, there's a story to be told there,

but my plate is way too full.

Sure, I get it.

Ain't no thang, you know.

Okay, try it now.

Whoa.

I can lose parts and reattach them.

I'm like a snowman.

Our lives just keep getting better and better.

I'd go easy on it for a few days.

Months? Seconds? I don't know.

But definitely do keep it dry. Or moist?

So, this was a reaction to your boss?

Yeah, he was being a condescending prick again.

You should send Abby over there with a lunch tray.

She'll straighten him out.

- What do you mean? - Yeah. What do you mean?

- The tray thing. - What tray thing?

What tray thing?

I can't believe Abby smashed a boy in the face with a tray.

God, we have so much going on. When does it end?

We do have a lot of balls in the air.

How do jugglers do it? They keep five things going at once.

And dangerous things... chainsaws, knives.

I once saw a juggler juggle a smaller juggler.

How is that dangerous?

He was juggling the smaller guy against his will.

Oh.

Was that part of the act or something that just happened?

I didn't see the start of it. The point is juggling a lot of things is hard,

especially if some of those things don't want to be there.

So, what's the plan?

We have all the information, but she doesn't know that.

- So for once, we're one step ahead. - Finally!

I say we go in, ask her about school,

and give her the chance to talk about the tray thing.

- Smart. - Yes.

I can hear you.

- Shit. - Fuck.

Abby, are you in there?

If so, your mother and I would like to talk to you.

Oh, my God. Come in.

- Hey! - Hi!

Guys, I have some unprompted honesty I'd love to share with you.

I hit someone with a tray.

Well, now we know.

What we don't know is what you were thinking.

He was being a dick to his ex-girlfriend online.

Well, people can be jerks, Abby.

But unless they come at you with a knife, you can't attack them like that.

Mom, you kill and eat people.

I kill and eat people because I have to.

I hit him with a tray because I had to.

Your mother has a medical condition. That comparison is offensive.

- Right? - Right.

I'm just worried about your future. You could get expelled.

I'm not getting expelled.

Principal Novak couldn't get anyone to talk.

No loose ends. I learned that from you. Mostly from your mistakes.

Yes, we're not good at murder.

I happen to believe that's a positive quality.

And what I find most upsetting is that you don't seem to have any remorse.

- I don't. - None?

- Do you want me to lie and say that I do? - Of course not.

Right?

What's happening to her? Are we raising a monster?

I don't know. She's seen so much crazy stuff lately.

I shouldn't have ripped apart that Serbian guy in front of her.

Looking back, I might've handled that differently.

I killed her best friend's stepdad and put his body in our bathtub.

That's not a story I'm gonna tell at her wedding.

- Oh, no. My finger's oozing again. - Oh, Jesus.

Are we kidding ourselves? What if we can't keep all these balls up?

We have to.

It's so overwhelming.

Abby, stopping a clam plague, and now work's gotten weird.

Our new sheriff neighbor is looking into the murder of our old sheriff neighbor.

I just wish you could eat chicken.

All right, our first priority is getting Abby back on track.

So tomorrow, we take her to see that boy she hit

- and we make her apologize. - Good idea.

As the great juggler Francisco Garibaldi once said,

"When there's fear in your heart and knives in the air,

the wise juggler focuses on but a single blade."

What's with you and the juggling?

I saw a cool documentary about a juggler. You should watch it.

- I'm not going to watch it. - It has a great twist.

Tell me about it.

He had four wives and 18 children, and none of them knew about each other.

He was juggling balls and families.

Wow. That's crazy. I would've liked to have watched that.

You can still watch it.

No. You ruined it.

I can't believe you guys are actually making me do this.

You apologized to all your victims?

Let's stop comparing our behaviors.

Someday, if you have kids, and you get a virus, and start killing people,

you'll appreciate how well your mother and I are doing.

It's true. And then you're gonna call and be like,

"Mom, oh, my God, this is so hard." And I'll say, "Mm-hmm."

We know over the last few weeks,

we haven't been as focused on parenting as we should have.

But starting now, we're gonna be more hands-on.

And lesson number one is when you hurt somebody...

- Like by killing them? - No. This is about you.

When you do something wrong, you take responsibility.

By turning yourself into the police?

No, still on you. You apologize.

- To the loved ones you've left behind? - I'm done. Your turn.

Apologize or you're not getting your iPad back.

So blackmailing me into saying something I don't believe

is your idea of good parenting?

So, you admit it is parenting.

Fine. Let's get this over with.

Impressive house. Great curb appeal.

Yeah. If this goes well, maybe we can leave our card.

Hello. We're... Joel and Sheila Hammond.

- I'm not used to using our actual names. - Yeah, weird.

And I believe you know our daughter Abby.

I've seen her.

She came here today to apologize. Isn't that right, Abby?

- That's correct. - Sounds like you don't really want to.

Nope.

Tight. Come on in.

Lovely home.

And we should know because we sell a lot of homes.

High-end homes like this one.

Oh, my God.

Hello. I'm one half of a father-son seafood distribution company.

I'm the son.

Anyway, my dad can't be here.

Well, not that he's an absent father. Far from it.

We do a lot of things together... Tennis, word puzzles.

Sometimes we just sit quietly side by side, and that's all right, too.

What do you want?