Parks and Recreation

- HEY, LESLIE. - HEY.

- THANK YOU FOR THAT YEAR-OVER-YEAR MAINTENANCE

COST ANALYSIS. THAT WAS-- THAT WAS REALLY HELPFUL.

- YOU'RE SO WELCOME. I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU

WHEN I WROTE IT, 'CAUSE I WAS, UM...

- 'CAUSE I TOLD YOU I WANTED TO READ IT?

YEAH.

THAT'S A GOOD REASON.

OH, ANYWAY, CHRIS WANTS TO SEE US IN HIS OFFICE.

- I GUESS WE SHOULD HEAD OVER THERE.

- ALL RIGHT. - ALL RIGHT.

- ALL RIGHT, COOL. - GREAT.

- SEE YOU THERE. - I'LL SEE YOU THERE, BENJAMIN.

BEN. - ALL RIGHT, LESLIE-MIN.

- - LESLIE.

HI, BEN.

OH, HEY, ANN.

- WOW, THAT WAS THE MOST SEXUAL TENSION

I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A CONVERSATION

ABOUT DOCUMENTS.

- IT CAN'T HAPPEN. WE COULD BOTH GET FIRED.

- THAT'S A DUMB RULE. - I KNOW!

- WELL, IF YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW IT,

I WOULD JUST SUGGEST

AVOIDING ONE-ON-ONE, TENSION-Y SITUATIONS WITH HIM.

- YOU'RE RIGHT. GOOD PLAN.

- I AM SENDING YOU TWO ON A TRIP.

both: REALLY?

- THE INDIANA LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL TOURNAMENT

IS UPON US, AND PAWNEE HASN'T HOSTED IT IN 20 YEARS.

SO, I WOULD LIKE YOU TWO TO GO TO INDIANAPOLIS

AND STATE OUR CASE,

BECAUSE YOU TWO ARE MY DYNAMIC DUO.

PUT IT HERE. EH, EH-EH, EH...

GO TEAM! - YEAH.

*

- ANN, EVERYTHING YOU HAVE IS TOO SEXY.

THIS IS ACTUALLY THE DRESS THAT JULIA ROBERTS WORE

AS A PROSTITUTE IN PRETTY WOMAN.

- I KNOW. I LOOK REALLY GOOD IN IT.

- I NEED, LIKE, A SWEAT SUIT OR SOMETHING.

I NEED TO SEND OUT A SIGNAL THAT NOTHING IS GONNA HAPPEN.

OH, THIS IS INSANE.

IT'S SO OBVIOUS YOU'RE DYING TO BE TOGETHER.

AND NOW YOU'RE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP?

I MEAN, YOU GUYS COULD LITERALLY "GET A ROOM."

- YEAH, AND I COULD LITERALLY GET A-FIRED.

- ALL RIGHT, I WILL HELP YOU ANTI-SEDUCE HIM.

JUST TELL ME WHAT ELSE YOU NEED.

- I NEED TO THINK OF UNSEXY, BORING CONVERSATION TOPICS

WE CAN TALK ABOUT IN THE CAR.

I HAVE A FEW IDEAS.

WE COULD DISCUSS THE NEW YORKER ARTICLE

"THE HISTORY OF THE LADDER."

OKAY.

- WE COULD TALK ABOUT DIFFERENT DORMS

AT JOHNS HOPKINS UNIVERSITY,

AND I COULD READ FROM MY SONICARE BOOKLET.

- OH, I HAVE A GOOD IDEA! - WHAT?

- WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM ABOUT HIS PENIS?

- PAWNEE ZOO, MONKEY SPEAKING.

- OKAY, EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING

AND COME WITH ME-- ALL FOUR OF YOU.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - LESLIE'S NOT HERE TODAY.

NO BOSS. WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT.

I'M YOUR BOSS.

- THAT'S A GOOD ONE, RON.

LET'S GO, SERIOUSLY. COME ON.

HERE'S THE SITCH.

I DEVELOPED A DOPE NEW GAME SHOW

WHERE I ASK COUPLES SCANDALOUS QUESTIONS,

AND THEY HAVE TO GUESS WHAT THE OTHER ONE ANSWERED.

I CALL THIS KNOW YA BOO.

- OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE NEWLYWED GAME.

SHUT UP, JERRY!

IT'S NOT THE NEWLYWED GAME, OKAY?

IT IS TOTALLY THE NEWLYWED GAME.

BUT BIG DEAL. EVERYONE STEALS.

MY FAVORITE MOVIE IS LOVE DON'T COST A THING,

WITH NICK CANNON,

WHICH IS BASED ON CAN'T BUY ME LOVE,

WHICH IS BASED ON KRAMER VS. KRAMER

OR SOMETHING, WHICH I THINK WAS SHAKESPEARE.

DON'T KNOW, DON'T CARE.

- AND WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU PLAN ON DOING

WITH THIS GAME SHOW IDEA?

ARE YOU GOING TO SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT?

- NO, I'M GONNA TEST IT OUT ON YOU FOUR BING-BONGS

AND WORK OUT THE KINKS,

THEN HIRE ACTUAL ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE, AND MAKE A DEMO.

- WHAT NETWORK IS GONNA BUY A GAME SHOW FROM YOU?

- THERE'S A MILLION NETWORKS OUT THERE,

AND THEY ALL NEED PROGRAMMING.

SPIKE, G4, GSN, FUSE,

WOW, BOOM, ZIP, KABLAM,

SLURP, SLURP LATIN, SLURP HD.

I LOVE SLURP HD.

HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN ULTIMATE BATTLE SMOOTHIE?

- THAT'S A DOPE SHOW. - OH, MY GOD.

- YEAH, SO, BASICALLY EVERY DORM ALLOWS BED LOFTING,

BUT THE STUDENTS HAVE REALLY TAKEN TO IT

AT WOLMAN AND McCOY.

- DID YOU GO TO JOHNS HOPKINS?

NO.

- DO YOU WANNA PLAY SOME MUSIC?

- SURE! ANN AND I BURNED AN AWESOME CD FOR THE TRIP.

- JIMMY CARTER'S CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE SPEECH,

LEARNING TO SPEAK MANDARIN,

16 MINUTES OF OLD TIMEY CAR HORN,

AND SOMETHING CALLED BANJO BOOGIE BONANZA.

- IT'S AN AMAZING INSTRUMENT, THE BANJO.

YEAH.

I DIDN'T REALIZE IT--IT COULD BE THIS LOUD.

HELLO?

HELLO?

CAN I HELP YOU?

- HI. MY CLASS IS HERE ON A FIELD TRIP,

AND I'M SUPPOSED TO INTERVIEW SOMEONE FOR A SCHOOL PROJECT.

- OKAY. YOU CAN WAIT AT THAT TABLE,

AND SOMEONE WILL BE HERE SOMETIME.

BUT AREN'T YOU HERE NOW?

NO.

- * BA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA *

IT'S TIME TO KNOW YA...

I DON'T HAVE THE INSTRUMENTAL BACKING TRACK YET,

BUT IT'S GONNA SAY "BOO" RIGHT THERE.

HEY, EVERYBODY!

WELCOME TO KNOW YA BOO.

I'M YOUR HOST, TOM HAVERFORD,

AND WITH ME AS ALWAYS IS MY CGI PUPPY CO-HOST,

BOBBY THE BOO!

HEY, EVERYBODY!

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET TO IT.

FIRST QUESTION--

FELLAS, WHICH ROCK STAR WOULD YOUR LADY BANG

IF SHE COULD BANG ONE ROCK STAR?

JERRY!

- I BELIEVE I HAVE HEARD DONNA TALK ABOUT PRINCE A LOT.

WHAT'D YOUR BOO SAY?

AH!

IMPRESSIVE! - HEE HEE!

ALL RIGHT, ANDY,

WHICH ROCK STAR WOULD YOUR LADY GET WITH?

- UM, THIS IS ALMOST TOO EASY--ME!

- LET'S CHECK IN WITH YA BOO!

- YAY! - OH!

SORRY.

WHO IS JEFF MANGUM?

- THE GUY FROM NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL.

OH! OH.

NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL. WHAT IS THAT?

THAT'S MY FAVORITE BAND.

I'VE TOLD YOU THAT, LIKE, A THOUSAND TIMES.

- I DON'T REMEMBER. WHY WOULDN'T YOU PICK ME?

- I DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE NOT TECHNICALLY A ROCK STAR.

BOOYAH!

SOMEBODY DON'T KNOW THEIR BOO!

THAT'S THE SOUND BITE THAT'S GONNA PLAY

WHEN A FIGHT BREAKS OUT.

LOOK, LITTLE GIRL,

CAN WE POSTPONE THIS FOR ANOTHER DAY?

IT'S UNSETTLING HAVING YOU JUST SIT THERE.

- BUT MY REPORT'S DUE TOMORROW.

- WHAT'S IT ON? - WHY GOVERNMENT MATTERS.

REALLY?

IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY TO LEARN

THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS A GREEDY PIGLET

THAT SUCKLES ON A TAXPAYER'S TEAT

UNTIL THEY HAVE SORE, CHAPPED NIPPLES.

I'M GONNA NEED A DIFFERENT METAPHOR

TO GIVE THIS NINE-YEAR-OLD.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MA'AM?

LAUREN BERKUS.

- LAUREN, MY NAME IS RON SWANSON,

AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW

ABOUT THE MISERABLE, SCREWED-UP WORLD

OF LOCAL GOVERNMENT.

- YOU HAVE MUSTARD IN YOUR MOUSTACHE.

- DON'T SASS ME, BERKUS. LET'S GET STARTED.

"LIFE, LIBERTY, AND PROPERTY." THAT'S JOHN LOCKE.

WHAT IS THIS?

WHALE SOUNDS.

OKAY.

- YOU CAN CHANGE IT IF YOU WANT.

YEAH?

[Al Green's Let's Stay Together playing]

WHAT THE HELL?

- OH, NO, NO, NO. THIS IS SUCH A GREAT SONG.

- YEAH, I SNUCK AN AL GREEN SONG IN THERE.

I WANT THEM TO GET TOGETHER.

SUE ME.

DID YOU SEE THIS?

ACCORDING TO THEIR RULES,

WE MAY NOT HAVE ENOUGH HOTEL ROOMS WITHIN CITY LIMITS.

- I KNOW. IT'S A SILLY RULE.

BUT MAYBE THEY'LL BE REASONABLE AND NOT CARE.

- YEAH, MAYBE WE COULD JUST POINT OUT TO THEM

THERE ARE TONS OF HOTEL ROOMS JUST OUTSIDE CITY LIMITS.

UH-HUH.

- HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE GRANDVILLE HOTEL AND SPA?