The Clairvoyant

Uh, excuse me, sir. What?

Oh, I... I beg your pardon.

What have I here, dear?

Uh, "what have I here, dear?"

Come on, big brain, let's hear from you.

Excuse me, sailor.

"What have I here, dear" means...

A cigarette case.

Wrong again, professor.

I suppose you know.

We're starting this act tomorrow night.

I hope, sweet angel, it means a cigarette case.

It means a fountain pen, nitwit.

Darling, you're a liar. Thank you, professor.

Well, you gave me the wrong cue.

That's right... Put me in the wrong.

I never argue with a lady.

I'm not a lady... I'm your wife. Yep.

"What have I here, dear" means, uh...

Oh, a fountain pen.

Oh, yes.

Well, let's try again, professor.

What am I holding? Uh...

Uh-uh, that's cheating.

Well, if you don't trust me,

I should get a divorce.

"Judge, my wife didn't trust me."

One of these days, I shall have you destroyed.

Oh, that'd be nice.

So now what?

So now, what am I holding?

Uh, uh... darling,

Do you by any chance happen to remember,

The exact day when we were married?

Don't change the subject.

Well, you see, uh, what I wanted to say was,

Since next April is going to be.

One of our anniversaries, that I might go out.

And buy you a nice big Christmas tree.

What am I holding?

You're holding a box of chocolates.

Wrong. Right.

Right, Miss Know-It-All. Wrong.

Prove it with the book.

Go on, prove it.

Oh, well...

What were you saying about our anniversary?

What am I holding?

What am I holding, you darling, you?

You darling.

I say, where's Mother?

Mother!

Mother!

Dear, don't we have a porter? What for?

Remember, a fool and his money are soon parted.

Yes, and you remember...

Oh!

There they are!

Could I help?

Put it on there.

Well, Simon, I see you've got everything.

I have everything in the world, I should think.

Let's go.

Come on, you're wasting time.

Come on.

Now, madam, have you anything to declare? I have not.

No. Cigarettes?

Cigars? No.

No. Cameras?

Perfumes? No, no, no.

Open this bag, please.

Have you anything to declare, sir?

Uh, oh, no, thank you, no.

Here's a pretty thing.

What is it? Pretty thing.

That's, um, a powder compact.

Right, darling.

Will you open this suitcase, please, sir?

No cigars, cigarettes, cameras, or perfumes?

No perfumes.

Now, what have we got here?

"What have we got here?"

That's, uh... Wait a minute, wait a minute.

A bottle of whiskey. Eh? Where?

Oh, I beg your pardon, I didn't mean that.

There isn't one. You said there was.

Yes, well, you see,

You said to me, "What have we got here?"

And the answer to that is "a bottle of whiskey."

You see? Yes.

No, I'm afraid I don't.

Well, where is it? Yes, but you don't understand.

I mean, it's a... It's a gag.

Yeah, seems like it.

Open this case, will you, please?

Yes, but listen to me.

I'm the great Maximus. Yes, very likely you are.

Last week, we had a man here who said he was Napoleon,

But that doesn't alter the fact that whiskey is dutiable.

Yes, but you don't understand.

We're a music hall turn.

We're just starting on a tour.

I'm a mind reader.

Yes, that's what I have to be too,

And I'm going to find that whiskey.

If I have to search all night for it.

Put that in your mind and read it.

There you are, Max.

I told you this new act would cause trouble.

You should be like your father.

Stick to the old routines.

The proof of the pudding's in the eating.

Here, look here, my man.

We shall miss our train! Yes!

Ah, are you with this gentleman?

Well, I... Yes, he is.

Right, well, come on, open up this case.

Anything to declare? No.

No. No perfumes?

No cameras? No.

No. No cigarettes?

No cigars? No.

Oh, nothing to declare, eh? No.

Cigars! No cigars?

Well, what about this? Here, here, don't open that!

What do you think I am?

It's a trick! Yeah.

Like his disappearing whiskey, I suppose.

Aw, please, it took me two hours to pack that.

Oh, did it? Well... Aah!

Ladies and gentlemen,

It is with great pleasure.

That I present to you the greatest mindreading.

And thought stunt special act.

That has ever appeared before the public!

Dear, dear, dear, dear! Oh, now don't you worry, mother.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Max, stick to the old tricks, just as your dad did.

Remember, fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Yes, but nothing ventured, nothing half-topsy.

Now, will you please put that table.

On the other side of the stage?

I've asked you to twice.

Put it on the blue mark, will you?

Professor. Yes?

Can you tell me what it is?

It is a lipstick, darling.

How do I look? You look lovely, my sweet.

Do you think you can remember everything?

Well, that's good, coming from you, anyway.

Max, I have to warn you, if anything should happen...

Will you please go away?

Mr. Maximus, please. Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

I have the pleasure of introducing to you.

The great Maximus!

I will introduce to you Mademoiselle Rene,

Who will come down amongst you.

I ask you to test.

The miraculous powers of this marvelous pair.

And to see for yourselves the most perfect example.

Of telepathetic communication.

The world has ever known!

Ladies and gentlemen, all the best tricks,

Like all the best things in life, are simple,

Though sometimes hard to explain.

I do not profess to be a superman.

The powers I possess.

Are possessed, more or less, by you all.

Mademoiselle Rene is among you.

She will ask you to pass her any small personal article.

The waves of thought emanating from her.

Will come across the footlights to me.

To put it simply,

It will be as if Mademoiselle Rene.

Were my own electric battery,

Motivating the force.

Which gives me the power to retransmit to you.

My knowledge of what is in her mind,

And, by the hidden mysteries of the powers of thought,

I will describe the object she is holding.

Any articles, ladies and gentlemen.

Any personal articles.

You, sir? What about you?

No? Really?

You, miss. Perhaps you have something.

Ah, yes, the young lady has something.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Are you ready? Absolutely, mademoiselle.

I have a very charming thing here.

Can you tell me what it is?

It is...

A lipstick.

Got the first one right, anyway.

Oh, that's beautiful.

May I? Thank you very much.

I should like you to tell me.

What I have now.

What you have now...

Is a tiepin.

He's getting them all right.