The Middle

How did I get here? No, I didn't remarry,

and no, my kitchen appliances did not give out at once.

I guess it all started about a week ago

you sure you don't want to wait for the bathroom?

Yeah. No time. I'm already late for that school thing.

Okay, how do I look?

Okay. Wait a minute.

I think got some lipstick smushed in the bottom of my bag.

Now?

What else you got in there?

He was right. I looked like hell.

I knew what I had to do.

Now you might think pretending to buy makeup

so you can use all the free testers is dishonest,

but I prefer the term "resourceful".

You know, if you like that lip gloss,

you're gonna love this new eye cream we have on sale.

Have you tried it? It smoothes and tightens. Look, let me stop you right there.

I'm in sales, too, so I know all the tricks. Don't bother.

Okay, well, I just thought you might like it.

Refreshes the aging areas around the eyes

and makes you look less tired. Less tired? Really? Mm.

Wow.

I do look less tired.

Yikes. 20 bucks for this tiny jar?

But if I look less tired, who knows,

maybe I could save money on coffee. I'll take it.

Oh. Oh, and do you, by chance, have any free lipstick samples

in... this color?

The next day I was still feeling pretty good

about treating myself. My eyes looked bigger,

and the shape of the toaster helped.

Axl, your backpack is crying.

Ugh! Again?

I gotta take care of this stupid baby thing

for a week for health class.

They said they'd teach us about sex ed.

What do babies have to do with sex?

They ruin it. Yeah, well, there's some computer chip that keeps track

of its mood, how much it cries over the next week,

how well I take care of it.

It's supposed to teach me responsibility. Okay.

I'm gonna go shoot some hoops with the guys. Later. Whoo. Whoa. No, you're not allowed

to have a baby and then go shoot hoops. I tried. Yeah. You're on your own.

The next time your dad and I change a diaper,

it'll be each other's. Oh, my God. I can't believe you won't support me.

This is, like, 80% of my grade,

and I already failed personal hygiene. Axl, that's not our...

how do you fail personal hygiene?

It's all politics. Mm. Well, sorry. We're not paying the price

'cause you don't know how to work a washcloth. Oh, nice grandparenting.

You know, this is what's wrong with society.

Your generation is so selfish.

Enjoy this time with the baby, before it learns to talk.

Mom, Axl says I'm the plastic baby's aunt,

and I have to change it. Is that true?

Axl, change your own plastic baby!

Hey, look close at me.

Does anything on my face look smoother or tighter?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Where am I looking?

Yeah, well, it looked better in the toaster.

Can I try?

All right, go easy. It wasn't cheap.

Whoa!

$200?!

Mom, you paid $200 for this?

No, no, no. $20. But you know what? Don't tell your dad.

Unh-unh. I'm pretty sure that says "$200."

Look at the two little zeros there.

Are you serious?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Are you okay? Your face is starting to look

really tight now. No! I thought it was $20.

I didn't look at the credit card receipt

because I was in too much of a rush.

Okay, scoop it back in. Scoop it back in.

Don't let it absorb.

Oh, no! Are we gonna lose the house?

You know, a lot of the parenting books advise against that.

Yeah, I got no choice, dad. I'm at level seven of my game,

and I can't blow away pimps

and feed a baby at the same time.

Yeah, that's not going anywhere.

Quick trip to the mall. No reason.

Don't be buying a bunch of stuff we can't afford.

Hi. I don't know if you remember me, but I was here yesterday.

Of course I remember you. Hi!

How's that new eye cream working out for you?

Do you love it? Well, here's the thing... I don't.

I wanted to love it... I really did...

but I used it three times

and look, I'm not smooth or tight.

I'm... I'm sorry. We can't take it back if it's been used.

Oh, no, no. I didn't use it. The seal's broken.

You sold me used eye cream? Can you call the manager, please?

No, you know what? I'm feeling nice today,

so how about you just refund my money,

and I won't press charges? I'm willing to bet that's your fingerprint in there?

Okay, can I be honest with you?

So far, I'd say no.

Here's the thing...

see, I thought that was $20, not $200!

I never would have bought it if I thought it was $200.

I mean, $200 for that tiny jar?

That's insane!

Actually, it's quite reasonable.

This is made from the bladr of a mule from France.

For $200, I could've bought that mule.

You're not getting a refund.

Fine. You know, I spend a lot of money in this store,

but from now on, I will be taking my business elsewhere.

Axl, give your baby a bottle.

, that's not the bottle cry.

Little Brick must've pooped himself.

Stop calling him that.

What? You're his favorite uncle.

It's an honor to have him named after you.

I can't take it anymore. I have a fire drill tomorrow.

If I'm gonna keep my hands to myself

and line up in an orderly fashion,

I need my sleep.

Psst. Hey, you can stay in here.

Really? You sure? Yeah, it'll be fun.

I've always wanted to have a roommate.

Here, you can take this half of the bed,

and why don't you take woofy dog?

You know what? Actually, I need woofy dog.

Hey, thanks. Axl's baby's driving me crazy.

Even when he smothers it, you can still hear it.

Hey, would you ladies keep it down in here?

I finally got little Brick to sleep. I said, stop calling him that!

I have an idea.

Wanna have some fun, roomie?

Ugh! I was up all night. I'm exhausted.

This baby never stops crying.

Can I just say, this is my favorite homework assignment

you've ever had?

What? He likes it when I do this.

God, when do kids become less annoying?

I'll let you know.

Man, I hate this table.

Just tell him. There's never gonna be a good time.

Of course, we can't afford a new one. Damn it! That was a good time.

Hey, you want to hear a funny story? Oh, is it something about Axl and his baby?

'Cause I got one after you. Uh, not exactly, but I think you're

gonna find this really, really hilarious.

See, on the way to that school thing the other night,

in, like, a moment of extreme, extreme weakness,

I bought this eye cream.

Wow. Yeah, you are a sucker.

What's that, a dropperful?

I know. It's insane, right?

Pretty insane. Well, what'd you pay for it?

How much do you think would be a funny amount?

10 bucks.

Funnier.

$15. Funnier.

I'm hoping it doesn't get much funnier than $20.

$200!

What?!

It was a mistake... a stupid, stupid mistake,

and I have no excuse. Look at how tiny those zeros are.

And I didn't have my glasses. But I have no excuse,

no excuse at all.

Mike?

Okay, well,

we needed that $200 for the property taxes this month.

So... I guess I'll call Bob

and ask if he knows about any extra shifts at little Betty.

We gotta make up that money somehow.

I'm really sorry, Mike. I still wanna hear your funny Axl story.

Okay, you can tell me later.

How great was that last night, roomie?

We must've woken up Axl's baby ten times.

What?

Why does fun always have a price?

Relax. This should be easy.

All we have to do is pull out all the loose pieces

before applying the spackle.

Loose pieces.

They're all loose pieces!

It wasn't fair for Mike to take on extra work

to make up for my stupid, stupid mistake.

So I slapped on 30 bucks' worth of useless mule bladder

and went looking for a second job, too.

Sorry. We're looking for someone with a specific...

Style. Younger.

...Someone with their finger on the pulse. Younger.

Younger.

Then after knocking on every door,

i found the one place where I was still considered hip...

the 1800s.

Welcome to Orson heritage village.

My name is Rachel Moody Cochran.

In 1816,

I came by wagon train to this very town,

where I gave birth to all 19 of my children,

four of whom survived.

I'll be wanting another one come spring.