The Detour

Okay, so it's day four. It's actually day five.

Right. Sorry. And you're on your way to Fort Lauderdale...

No, he's meeting his sister-in-law outside Orlando

to pick up the mysterious product he stole from work. Right.

And your wife was taking your two kids, Jared and Delilah...

The boy's name is actually Jareb with a "b."

All right. Yes. I'm sorry.

And they were on their way home to Syracuse...

Because she was sick of his lies.

Sharon, please. They have a strong relationship.

She's not even his wife. They're not married.

That's because she's actually married

to some guy named Carlos.

Tell me about this guy. What about Orlando?

Why didn't your sister-in-law meet you in Fort Lauderdale?

Because she's a coke-fueled shit show.

Yeah, but wait. You said she's clean and sober now,

and on the road with a Christian rock band.

How'd that happen? How the hell would he know? He wasn't there.

She could've taken a rideshare for all he knows. Who cares?

How does that have any bearing on this story?

This is my investigation!

Kinda sucks to feel like the dummy, doesn't it?

Shut up. Yep.

All right, what was in the bag?

Was it drugs? Oh.

What is this?

Is this drugs?

I can't mail drugs. You can't fly.

Of course I can't fly, Marco!

"Hi, I'd like to check in

one bag of evil corporate science goo."

How am I gonna get this to Florida?

Morris: Nate?

We're here on official P.F.R. Business!

What's P.F.R.? That's, like, two levels above FBI.

Shit!

I know y'all in there!

Don't pretend like you're not home now!

Come on, Morris. Let's go.

Oh, shit!

Uhh! Shit.

What the hell?

Should we, like, follow her?

I guess so.

What kind of car would you like?

I think we'll take a 3-seater.

We always get four seats 'cause of dad.

I swear, you get dumber by the second.

And it's returning to... Syracuse.

"S"..."R"...

"Y"...

"K"...

Chazz's mom says children of divorce are actually lucky.

We're not getting divorced.

Well, obviously. You're not married.

Chazz's parents try to outdo each other at Christmas.

He winds up getting double the presents.

And double chances at catching Santa

and stealing his pot of gold.

Hey, you're current and only father will be home

as soon as he's done doing

whatever insane thing he's doing, okay?

Is there a "q" in Syracuse?

Not anymore. No, they changed it.

Hey, Vanessa, it's Nate.

Still on the road? No, I'm here...

Wherever the here is.

Woman: Welcome to Salvation, Florida,

where it's Christmas 364 days a year!

We're closed on Christmas.

I don't know, because Christmas sucks maybe?

Bah humbug. Just get here!

Looks like we found ourselves a scrooge, folks.

Tourists: Scrooge! Thank you. Thank you.

Yes. Yes, I-I'm glad my misery makes you happy.

Come on, Ebenezer, everybody loves Christmas.

Yeah? Jews? Yeah.

Muslims? Uh-huh.

Buddhists? Uh-huh.

Taoists? Uh-huh.

Hindus? Uh-huh.

Ashantis? Uh-huh.

Jehovahs? Uh-huh.

Shintos? Uh-huh.

Atheists? Uh-huh.

Choctaws? That's their favorite.

Okay. Where's the bar? The bar?

Uh-huh. That way!

Great. Make way!

Sad dad coming through!

elf: Hope you find some spirit! Clever.

Come this way, guys. God.

That snow's really coming down out there.

Yeah. Whatever that snow is made of is burning my skin.

But it wouldn't be Christmas without it though, pal.

Yeah! Pal, it's not Christmas.

Uh, whatcha drinkin'?

Your darkest beer and your cheapest bourbon.

Sounds like somebody's trying to forget his troubles.

Oh, no, I'm actually celebrating.

My family left me and I lost my job.

So... Hooray!

What the hell is that?

Apple juice.

It's a fake sad bar, not a real sad bar.

Another one? No.

Hey, the kids and I are coming home early,

so get rid of the weirdos and clean up the house,

would you? I'm not at your house.

I'm on the road with my new family.

Our car broke down.

Caleb says Nate preyed upon my generous nature to...

Oh, Jesus. Did you join a cult?

Caleb says others can't define me.

Okay, I need you to be normal right now. Yeah?

Well, I'm not the one whose husband got fired

for stealing some weird, dangerous shit! What?

Now government goons with guns

and helicopters with intra-red goggles

are following me, too.

What are you talking about?

But it's okay.

I'm gonna save Nate.

Caleb says... Where are you?

I'm really close to Salvation. Holy shit.

Vanessa, are you gonna kill yourself?

Salvation, Florida. It's really close to Orlando. Oh. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Well, definitely don't kill yourself.

I'll... I'll see you soon.

Okay, ma'am, you're all set.

Just press "confirm," and you're on your way to Syracuse.

Ohh, you bastard. Yes?

Nope, not you.

D'oh. God. You do this every time!

All right, kids... You know what?

We're gonna go save your idiot dad.

I need to change my destination to Florida.

Flo Rida? No, Florida.

"F"..."L"...

"O"... Nope.

"U"... No, no "u."

Can I talk to somebody...

whose first day it isn't?

We can't afford it!

And then you go give money to that filthy bum!

It was the Salvation Army.

So a bum with a band uniform.

Hey, Nate? I love you.

You can't buy his love!

And you can't buy mine, either!

See this? You like what you see?

Yeah, 'cause you're not gonna see it again until march!

I'm gonna step out for a bit, boy.

Good! You get outta here

and take your goddamned tree with you,

you son of a bitch!

Get out!

Take your ugly face and never come back!

I hate you! Get out of my house, you mother...

You know, I like to think that things have a way

of working themselves out on Christmas... I swear to god...

Tourists: Scrooge! Oh. Thank you! Thank you!

Man: Thank you! Thank you!

Get outta here! Woman: Aah!

Man: Scrooge is mad!

Oh! God!

Oh, wow. Your dad must love this place.

All right, Delilah, keep an eye out

and let me know if you see any FBI, any police, anything.

Just let me know, all right? Gotcha.

All right. Great. What's my job?

Uh, you...

Go get a pretzel and sit on that bench right there.

I'm gonna find your father.

I won't let you down!

My job's way better than yours.

She only gave you that job

'cause you're not smart enough for a real job.

Okay, but let me ask you this.

If you could have one wish on Christmas... Mm-hmm?

What would it be?

Some antifreeze for your sweet tea.

Nate? Hmm?

Babe! What are you doing here? How did you find me?

I tracked your phone. What? How is that possible?

Family plan. We don't have the family plan.

Do we need to do this right now?

No, it's just, it's really expensive...

I know, but I'm here. Let's live in the moment. I know. I'm sorry, baby.

I know. I am, too. I hated walking away. Oh, my god. Oh.

I hated the way that felt. Please, never again.

No, never. Mmm. Okay? Mmm.

Merry Christmas. Okay.

Just... It's not... All right, I need you to tell me everything.

I will, baby. Open book. Okay. Okay. Right now, though.

I got... you got fired. Yeah, I know. I know.

How did you know? Vanessa.

What? W... anyway, Vanessa says you're in danger. What is that?