Machete Kills

A new world enslaved.

This is a land in need of a hero.

They call him

Machete. Machete. Machete.

He knows the score.

We need a leader.

We need a revolution.

We need you, Machete.

He gets the space babes.

The people need us, Machete.

This is a new Network.

It's all galactic and shit.

He thinks he's God in Heaven.

So Heaven must fall.

And he kills the bad guys.

Starring Danny Trejo,

Michelle Rodriguez...

Eat photons, bitches.

...Alexa Vega.

- With Justin Bieber as Bleep. -(BEEPING)

And Lady Gaga as

whoever she wants to be.

With special guest star

Leonardo DiCaprio as the Man in the Silver Mask.

Actor subject to change.

Machete Kills Again...

...In Space.

Rated X for cigarette use, prolonged sexual content,

pervasive language and space violence.

Where the fuck are they?

(MUFFLED) Hands up, assholes!

ICE. You're under arrest!

Stay down!

Immigration?

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck does it look like?

Get your ass on the ground.

Sweetheart, I'd lose whatever strapdick you rode in on...

Don't call me sweetheart.

Move and I'll blow your brains out.

You can't! You don't have jurisdiction!

We're the goddamned military!

You're selling military weapons to the cartel.

Did you really think they were gonna pay you?

- You're lucky we got here first. -(CAR ENGINE REVVING)

Cartel.

Where's el cohete?

It's about goddamn time!

You fuckholes were supposed to be waiting.

Save these two for me.

I know you.

You're Machete. Enemy of the cartels.

It's my lucky day.

A man who kills a legend becomes a legend himself.

Who are these guys?

- All right, let's go. -No! He said "cohete."

These guys are pros. They didn't come here for a couple of used M-16s.

Let's go, it's not worth it.

You're the one that taught me that the law

and justice aren't always the same thing.

We gotta stop 'em.

Oh, shit.

I wish you hadn't seen this.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

That is quite the resume you got there, Taco.

I mean, one might consider you

to be a bit of an overachiever when it comes to killing people.

I bet you consider yourself a mean motor scooter, don't you?

Especially now we got 24 cartel boys

laid out in pieces all over my desert.

Well, I got news for you, Taco.

They was the reserves. They was the peons.

They're the red-headed mongoloid runts of Los Cuerpos,

and Los Cuerpos don't take kindly

to strangers disciplining their own.

Can I get an amen on that, Clebourne?

Amen, sir.

See, here's the bad news for you, Taco.

I'm the only one who plays vigilante around these parts.

And since you just killed yourself a Federal officer,

I'm about to have me and mine a hog-killing good time.

I didn't kill her.

Tomato, tomato.

Let's not get hung up on the details, shall we?

Drop him, Clebourne.

Well, I'll be goddamned.

They say he doesn't die, sir.

Been shot, stabbed.

Doesn't ever...die.

Bull-fucking-shit.

This Pedro has just got a thick neck is all.

- Sheriff, it's for you. -(CHUCKLES)

It damn sure ain't the governor. (LAUGHS)

It's the President.

It's the President. Yeah?

Of course, Mr President. Yes, sir.

This is Machete.

(I Machete Main Title Theme: Tito & Tarantula)

-(GUNSHOT) -(MAN SCREAMS)

Machete.

Welcome to the White House.

Good thing we got to you when we did.

Southern hospitality can be a bitch.

Why am I here?

Right to the point. I like that.

No bullshit.

I'm a bit of a no-bullshit guy myself.

So, all bullshit aside...

Get someone else.

We need you, Machete.

We got a situation on our hands.

There's a revolutionary south of the border named Marcos Mendez.

You heard of him?

He's crazy. He's out of his mind.

He's got a missile aimed at Washington.

He says he's gonna blow us up if we don't invade Mexico,

clean up the cartels and stop the violence

they're spreading across the land.

What's that got to do with me?

The basic violation of sovereignty aside, we can't take the bait.

However, you know Mexico. Hell, you are Mexico.

I want you to head back south,

find Mendez and just check him out.

But if what he's saying is true,

kill him.

I'm not interested.

Motherfucker, I'm not asking if you're interested.

I'm the President of the United fucking States, man.

Machete don't smoke.

I could just as easily send you back to your pals

in Hang 'Em High, Arizona.

The way I see it, you ain't got much to chew on, hombre.

You know what this is?

Your criminal record.

Do this for us and, poof, it's gone.

Your past no longer exists.

In exchange for your services, I'm making you legal.

You don't have to sign anything,

raise your right hand, none of that shit.

I just stamp this bad motherfucker,

and you are now an official citizen of the USA.

I just saved you from your noose. (SIGHS)

Save me from mine.

Do it for your country, your new country.

Isn't that what your dead girlfriend would want?

Agent Sartana?

If you won't do this for me, Machete,

do it for her.

Your contact is in San Antonio.

She'll brief you and get you across the border wall.

Your nation owes you a debt of gratitude, Machete.

Go kick some ass.

Ladies and gentlemen, El Rey Network's very own Miss Texas Pageant

presents Miss San Antonio!

Thank you.

What do I believe?

I believe in the word "equality."

I believe in a woman's right to choose.

Choose what?

A snow cone, if that's what she's in the mood for.

I believe in good barbecue, the two-step, and the right to carry a gun.

World peace? Sure, why not?

But if we really wanna talk about world peace,

we have to start by tearing down that wall that separates us from Mexico.

That wall only enables us to ignore

the violence and injustice that is occurring down there,

thus making world peace nothing more than a beauty pageant pipe dream.

God bless Texas.

-(APPLAUSE) -Thank you.

You must be Machete.

Blanca Vasquez.

Codename, Miss San Antonio.

I'll be your handler for the duration of your assignment.

You get into a stitch,

and I'll be in your ear with the what's what,

the who's who and the when's where of it all.

Try not to be distracted by the cleavage and the hairspray.

It's part of my cover.

This gig keeps me close to the border

and the designer duds ain't bad, either.

What happened to world peace?

Fuck world peace.

The M4 carbine long-range.