Modern Family

Yeah, honey, Mitchell helped me pick out the shirt.

You're gonna love it.

Ooh, I wish I could pick you up some lip gloss,

but we're already at the car.

Okay, bye, honey.

Getting pretty good, huh?

Yeah, but you were always good.

I'm just glad you stuck with it.

- Seriously? - What?

- It's playing itself. - Well, I didn't know.

You honestly thought that I just became a piano virtuoso, dad?

You've known me my whole life.

Have you ever seen me take a lesson?

I thought maybe you were self-taught.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're right.

Like when I taught myself to

- play the clarinet. - Exactly.

I never played the clarinet.

Can we drop it?

Let's go get an ice cream.

What about my lactose intolerance?

Oh, I'm not loving this game.

This sucks.

My teacher gave me mononucleosis.

As a parent, I feel I should ask about this.

Slow down.

It's not like she gets that many tugs on the line.

It's for A.P. Bio.

We have to write a report about a disease,

and I got the worst one.

This is a joke.

Actually, it's pretty serious.

Back in college, I caught mono from my roommate, ling.

Served us right for fooling around.

Never share a flute, kids.

Hey, can you drop me off at the library?

Sorry. I'm meeting some friends at that coffee shop on lake.

You mean the one next to the library?

That's a library?

I thought it was a church

for a religion that didn't allow makeup.

When is the washing machine gonna get fixed?

I'm wearing a swimsuit underneath my pants.

Everybody's gonna have clean clothes soon.

The repair guy's supposed to come today

between 10:00 and 2:00.

Oh, Honey, can you be here for that?

Can I sit around in an empty house and wait for someone?

Baby, I'm a realtor. I have a license for that.

You sure you don't mind? Go. Run your errands.

It'll give me a chance to get started on these dishes.

Oh, good. All right, come on, Luke.

All right. See you guys later.

Oh. More dishes than I thought.

That lasagna's gonna be a tough one.

Somebody's gonna need a scrub brush.

Hello?

What?

No...Way!

June 10, 1988.

Carla Concannon and I spent the afternoon

frolicking at the public pool.

Later, at her house, things got private

while a 45 of carly Simon's "Nobody Does It Better" played.

It was my first time, her first time...

With me.

I always thought it'd be fun to own that 45.

When the record store finally called that morning,

I ran right down so I wouldn't miss the repairman.

I had to have it.

It was the chance to relive

those magical 3 minutes and 42 seconds,

which was also the length of the song.

But then it dawned on me--

I was cheating on my wife

with the red-hot memory of another woman.

I could not let Claire find out.

I had to destroy the evidence.

Luckily, I'm cool under pressure.

Ow!

Ow.

What?! No!

When did he...?

Come on!

There were a couple of snags,

but I think I covered my tracks pretty well. (Sighs)

I'm so sorry it took so long to get you these clothes.

I left them in the back of my car

and completely forgot about them.

Sounds familiar.

I was in the pharmacy for three minutes.

You had a cracked window and a juice box.

Let's retire that story.

Can I wear this for the family photo?

Oh, honey, that's adorable, but, you know,

Gloria wants us in jeans and a black T-shirt--

classic and casual.

And then maybe afterwards, we can stop by

and change the scenery in a high-school play.

That is a really cute dress.

Oh, yeah, thank you. Just got it yesterday.

Really?

It reminds me of something I gave you six months ago.

Do you ever put

her in the girls' hand-me-downs?

- Oh, yeah. All the time. - (Higher) Really?

Because if my girls' old clothes aren't to your taste,

I could always just... Give them to somebody else!

Okay, calm down, Claire.

Your voice is getting to that pitch that disturbs our cat.

Hey. Oh, my God.

You will not believe what dad just said.

- So, we're at the mall, right? Mm-hmm.

And there's a piano there. I sit down behind it.

- I start-- - Come on, Mitchell.

He's just not wired for compliments.

I'm sure your playing was great.

I don't play the piano. I've never taken a lesson.

- Are you sure? - Oh, my God.

My own family doesn't even know me.

Mitchell, please. Don't be so sensitive.

You don't see me pitching a fit

because cam is too much of a snob

to use our hand-me-downs.

Sn-- I'm sorry-- snob?

Mm-hmm.

I will have you know I come from simple farm folk.

There is permanent dirt underneath these fingernails

from working the soil.

Really?

I had no idea that re-potting your orchids

counted as "working the soil."

Okay, they're in soil, are--

You know what? I don't want to talk about this.

Mm-hmm. I don't need to listen to this.

I'm gonna go out and get some air.

- I know the feeling. - Retire it. Seriously.

Does Joe look a little pale to you?

This whole country looks pale to me.

I think he needs a little color for tonight's photograph.

What do you think is the minimum age for a spray tanning?

Now that Joe is here

and that his head is finally normal-shaped,

I decided to take a new family portrait.

Hola!

How did it go at the mall?

Bought a shirt, angered my son--

another successful outing.

Ooh. I've been wanting to do this.

Quick-- What's the ring around an angel's head?

- What? - Halo!

You did the angel one!

Ordinarily, I'd be delighted,

but this isn't gonna be one of our fun chats.

You mean like that time you called me

when you saw that blimp?

It was so low, they waved back.

I'd done a pretty good job

eliminating all traces of that record,

but there was still one loose end.

You know, earlier today,

when we ran into each other on the street?

I didn't see you. You didn't see me.

Okay, so you're saying

whatever either one of us might have been doing

will remain forever--

I didn't see you. You didn't see me.

Just to be c--

Hello?

Jay's so cool. He gets it.

I didn't know what he was talking about,

but I needed him to keep his trap shut.

You see, lately, I may have been dabbling

in something that... Strong, virile men like me

aren't supposed to be dabbling in.

And it wouldn't exactly fit my image

if people found out I was considering entering...

A certain adorable dog in a dog show.

Gloria thought I was out getting my tires rotated.

Actually, I was buying Stella a decorative show collar--

you know, just in case.

I figure if she looks beautiful, she'll feel beautiful.

Guess who we ran into at the library.

How would I know? I was here the whole time.

Sanjay patel. He's got crohn's disease.

- No! - I know. So lucky.

He's totally going to win that science scholarship.

He should use it to find a cure for baldness,

'cause that kid is 16 with a comb-over.

That's it!

I'm just gonna pick a new topic.

I want a disease that everyone in the school is going to talk about.

All right!

- Hey! - Hi! Wow!

Why are you standing there?

'Cause I missed you. I love you so much.

Oh!

Oh, wow. Love you, too.

How'd it go with the repair guy?

The repair guy came, but I missed him.