Melissa & Joey

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

And when the batter starts to bubble,

you go under it like this and just flip it over.

Oh, you are so good at flipping things over.

Mm...

And pancakes are ruined forever.

Mel, you know how you complained for three days

that there was no breakfast?

Today we're making it for you.

Flip!

You just did that so well. I'm telling you--

she's like a natural.

Have you really only been here for three days?

It just-- it seems like so much more.

Lovemaking goes so fast when you're with Josef.

Whoa-- what? O no no no.

What I think she meant was that time

has really flown by since she's been here.

Oh, well, to me, time is kind of standing still

and grossing me out.

So what are you two doing today?

Besides that.

Oh, well, actually

I think we're going to make it outside today.

And I'm going to show Elena some of the sights.

Oh, do we have to?

Oh, no no...

My vacation will be over so soon.

It's so sad.

Oh, but maybe you could have vacation

and come to Russia?

Mel, when is Joe's vacation?

Oh, well, it sure seems like he's taking some vacation

right now, you know-- 'cause not a lot's

getting done at the house lately.

You could come to see me, Josef,

and then I could come back here again

and back and forth, and back and forth...

Oh, my God. You do that so well.

I personally don't care for it.

Relax, will ya?

Everything's going to get done around here, okay?

And you are going to love dinner tonight.

Oh, are you cooking it, Josef?

- What will it be? - I am going to make

my famous eggplant parmesan.

What's with all the food things?

Joe's famous eggplant parmesan.

It's missing one ingredient-- Joe.

Well, what is he doing? Ugh, never mind.

I know who he's doing.

- Are we going to starve? - I'm not.

I'm going to have that slice of cake I've been saving.

Oh, I've been thinking about this slice of cake all day long.

My slice of cake is gone.

- Who ate it? - Oh, don't look at us.

- We would never. - Yeah.

Oh, that's my cake--

Please, excuse for the interruption.

Are you coming back, baby?

Coming coming! This cake was delicious.

- I wish there was more. - Oh, me too.

More cake, less you.

Joe, we need to talk.

All right, but I've only got a minute.

I'm taking Elena out to see Toledo's hot spots.

You know-- other than me.

Okay, well, I'll try not to take up too much of your time

with some trivial matters like, oh, I don't know--

forgetting the kids at school.

So I was a little late picking them up.

And in your boxer shorts.

I got several calls from moms.

But there were no complaints, and you know it.

Joe, this goes beyond carpools.

You're letting Elena encroach in my home,

your job, my cake.

I'll make you another cake.

How will that help me eat cake yesterday?

You're right. Let me make it up to you.

I'll make you another cake.

Pfft, and send it from Russia?

I mean, you know, that's where it looks like you're going.

I know what this is. I know what this is.

When I was in college, I dated a Jane Hayfee.

Hot hot Hayfee.

My roommate Wayne complained about her all the time,

but that's because Wayne was single.

See, and every time he saw me and Jane together,

like in, you know, the shower or whatever,

it reminded him of how single and lonely he was.

Oh, so you think I'm your lonely roommate Wayne?

You smell a little better, but yeah.

Look, this has nothing to do

with me being lonely and single--

which, oh, boy, I am not.

This is about you and your guest

taking advantage of my generosity.

You know, in some cultures, people are actually friendly

to their guests.

Excuse me, I'm the friendliest person I know.

I-- I-- I have always been friendly.

In fourth grade, I was the class greeter

for Career Day, and I didn't volunteer.

I was picked.

You are not gonna believe what Joe said

this whole Elena problem is about.

He says it's because I'm not...

- Getting any? - Friendly.

Hey, it's nothing I wanted to hear.

Elena's going to be gone in a couple of days.

Why are you letting it bother you so much?

Well, the real reason-- which Joe will not be able to hear--

is that in whirlwind affairs like this people get hurt.

People like you?

No. Big no. This is about Joe.

Look, I have had my share of foreign affairs.

Okay? After college,

I had a three-month Eurorail Pass,

and let's just say my visa got punched

at a few different stops.

Ugh!

I'm just saying-- things like this

burn hot and heavy, but then they flame out.

And all you're left with is, you know,

warm, shameful memories.

Did you not hear me?

Ugh!

Anyway, if Joe thinks this is anything more than a fling,

he's kidding himself.

Or Joe could go visit her in Russia

and the relationship could have a future.

You said it yourself...

I was eavesdropping.

Yeah, I said it, but I don't see that happening.

I don't see that happening at all.

In fact, the only thing I do see around here

is dirty dishes in the sink, dust bunnies on the floor,

and a table full of junk food.

What, is this Joe's idea of a good lunch now?

No, it's my idea of a lunch.

In fact, it's every meal from now on.

Breakfast burritos, Gummy Worms, chocolate Wing-Wangs--

I'm eating it all in the name of journalism.

Oh, does journalism like a little junk in the trunk?

No, the school vending machine is trying to kill us all.

You know my friend Mazie Goodman?

Big girl?

She has two jelly donuts for lunch every day.

Then she sugar crashes and falls asleep in math.

Well, the world needs to know what the school is doing to us kids.

So I'm going to eat nothing but vending machine food

and chronicle what happens to me.

Wow, I think you're really going to inspire some people

to make healthier choices.

Oh, malted milk balls!

I'll chronicle these.

Terrible. It's just terrible.

Oh, awesome! Is this for your blog?

Keep your hands off my crap.

I'm the one who has to eat all of this.

I'm saving my friend and a generation of America's youth.

So back off.

Oh! Pink ball of death.

Why don't I do all the eating for you?

I'll choke down all this trans-fatty goodness

and you can do all the writing.

- My guts, your glory. - Fine.

But you can only eat food from the vending machine.

Hey, man, no one's arguing.

Did I just see you put pop rocks in that burrito?

Yeah. It's an explosion of Mexican flavor.

Oh, like a little hat dance in your mouth?

Mm. Si.

- Uh-oh. - Ryder?

You know, um, maybe some things

weren't meant to be mixed together.

I'll be all right.

Hey, Mel.

Oh, the lovebirds are here.

Josef took me for first time on Ferris wheel.

We were up so so high.

The view was incredible.

It always is when I'm with you.

- Aww. - Ugh!

What a wonderful day.

And now I must go upstairs because I have pooped.

I hope you mean you are pooped.

Yes. That.

Thank you for a wonderful day, Josef.

You are more than welcome.

You need anything else before I have to go?

What? You are leaving?

Yeah, you remember? I told you that

that friend of mine from business school

is throwing that big poker event tonight,

and he invited all of his broker buddies

and it's going to be a great chance for me to do some networking

and unfortunately I just can't afford to miss it.

Can't we go together?