A Series of Unfortunate Events

Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?

Hello, my name is Lemony Snicket,

and I'm sorry to say that the alleged entertainment you are watching

is extremely unpleasant.

Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?

From the beginning of this miserable tale to the last melancholy scene,

I cannot think of a single line, a single word,

that does not chill me to my deepest bones.

Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?

However, the sad history of the Baudelaire orphans

did not begin in the private, somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe

at Mulctuary Money Management.

Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?

Nor does their story begin on this gray and cloudy morning at Briny Beach,

where the Baudelaire children, Violet, Klaus and Sunny,

received terrible news.

Your parents have perished in a terrible fire.

In fact, the tale of the Baudelaire orphans begins long before the fire

which left the children with practically nothing to their names.

Their story begins before their brief and unpleasant stay with the Poe family.

It begins before the children meet Justice Strauss,

a nice lady who, unfortunately, is not their guardian.

And before the Baudelaire orphans were placed under the care of a terrible actor

with a mysterious tattoo of an eye on his ankle,

who made the Baudelaires sleep in an awful room,

do a series of difficult and irritating chores,

and cook dinner for his disreputable and largely untalented theater troupe,

resulting in an act of violence that ought not to be shown on-screen.

- -

"Why?" you may ask.

Why did the Baudelaire orphans suffer through this series of unfortunate events?

How did the resourceful and intelligent children

of kindly and attentive parents end up in the care of Count Olaf?

That answer, at least, can be found shortly after the fire

that claimed the Baudelaire home.

Inside the private, somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe

at Mulctuary Money Management.

Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?

Do you know what the question I'm asked most is?

"Will you please leave the premises?"

"Why do I do it?"

"Count Olaf," they ask me, "why are you an actor?

Why not a model, or a millionaire playboy?

Why respond to the siren song that the Spanish call 'El Theater'?"

- For fame and fortune? - No.

For standing ovation?

- No. - For the costumes!

Where are the costumes?

Nobody brought the costumes?

Stay in the car.

Can we listen to the radio?

No.

Well, we've got to reach them. Try Peru.

Well, keep trying. Yes, it's an emergency.

I'm keeping an eye on things best I can, but...

Let me call you back.

- I have an appointment. - Name?

Haircut.

- Haircut? - Yes... sica Haircut is my name.

Yessica Haircut?

Yes. Yessica.

Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?

There are many police inspectors,

concerned citizens and television executives

who have expressed confusion

as to how the Baudelaire orphans ended up in Count Olaf's so-called care.

The scene you see behind me is called a flashback.

That is a word which here means

"taken place during the events of the last episode,

shortly after the Baudelaire fire

and during the Baudelaire children's unfortunate stay with the Poe family."

I present it to you now in the hopes that the police inspectors,

concerned citizens and television executives

might finally leave me alone.

Hello, banker man.

The Baudelaire fire is precisely why I'm here.

- File, not fire. - I said file.

Allow me to introduce myself,

because, as you can see from my mole, we've never met before.

As you can see from my coat, hat and ascot,

I'm here on business.

And as you can see from my sunglasses...

it's bright out.

I'm here to consult with you on the Baudelaire will,

for which I understand you are the executioner.

Executor.

Person who controls people's fortunes after a terrible fire has just happened.

My name...

is Yessica Haircut.

That's strange.

I have an appointment for a haircut right now.

Jacquelyn, please cancel that haircut.

Mr. Poe, there's an urgent matter...

No, no. I wanna hear what this man Haircut has to say.

I'd like to make a withdrawal.

Well, I don't know, Mr....

- Count... - Count?

On me to tell you my name, which is Mr...

Yessica Haircut.

Well, Mr. Haircut, the Baudelaire will states very clearly what is to happen

in the event of the untimely deaths of Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire.

They are to be raised by their closest living relative,

who appears to be a renowned scientist by the name of...

It is one thing to listen to science, Mr. Banker Man.

- Poe. - It is another

to listen to the advice of a consultant.

And in my important actual consulting expertise business,

the phrase "closest living relative" can mean only one thing...

"whoever lives nearby."

Really? You think so?

I would stake my fortune on it.

Or my name's not whatever it is I told you it was.

Well, in that case, we're going to need a map of the city.

I think the person nearest to the Baudelaires is renowned actor

and handsome man, Count Olaf.

Count...

Never heard of him.

He's been favorably mentioned in theatrical reviews

in several small magazines.

His name is pronounced...

Count Olaf.

And if I'm not mistaken, he lives right...

right here.

Is that really the closest?

Yes, absolutely, for sure.

Jacquelyn, can you please bring in a very large ruler?

Jacquelyn?

Guess I'll get it myself.

These events at Mulctuary Money Management

resulted in unfortunate events far and near,

from a woman trapped in a remote park...

You'll never get away with this.

I already did get away with it.

To three orphans in horrifying circumstances,

as our story resumes.

Put some elbow grease into it!

Mr. Poe must have made a horrible mistake when he took us here.

There's no way our parents would want us in Count Olaf's care,

if we can even call it that.

As soon as Count Olaf's back is turned, we need to leave this house.

I'd rather take my chances on the streets than stay here any longer.

Who knows what would happen to us on the street?

At least here we have a roof over our head.

I wish our parents' money could be used now,

instead of when you come of age.

Then we could buy a castle and live in it

with armed guards patrolling outside to keep out Count Olaf and his troupe.

- With a large inventing studio. - And a library.

Hurry up, orphans. There's reupholstering to be done.

Justice Strauss said her home was always open to us.

She said her legal library was always open to us.

It's not the same thing.

Mr. Poe did say we could contact him if we had any questions.

We don't really have a question. We have a complaint.

Can I warm that up for you? And also give you some very bad news?

- What is it? - It's that secretary...

Shh! Not here.

An emergency?

Very well, but I'm quite busy.

My old secretary, a distinguished professional

who showed up without fail for many years, has vanished.

I've hired an underemployed artist with no prior experience

who needs the occasional day off for auditions and performances.

Plus, I've already had to reschedule a haircut several times.

What can I do for you?

Count Olaf is a madman. We can't stay with him.

He struck Klaus across the face. See his bruise?

- - Oh, excuse me. Poe here.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Absolutely not.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. What were we talking about?

Oh, yes, Count Olaf.

I'm sorry you don't have a good first impression of him.

He only provided us with one bed.

He makes us do a great many difficult chores.

Excuse me. Poe here.

Seven.

Seven.

Seven.

Seven.

Anything but seven.