Scrubs

There was nothing more fun than rounding with my interns,

especially when I had a curveball.

All right, my beautiful hunks of unmolded clay,

who can tell me the differentials on Mr. Billings' dysuria?

His urinary pain could be due to kidney stones.

- Wrong. - Or urethral strictures.

- Wrong. - What about prosthetic hypertrophy?

All great guesses, you guys, and all supes wrong.

Brace yourselves. It's chlamydia.

These days they are turning it up in the old folks' home like it's Burning Man,

- right, Mr. Billings? - Yep.

- Yeah, he gets it. - Ew.

Wait, is that why my grandma doesn't want me to visit?

Yes, Tosh, your Nana loves threesomes.

- Yes, she does. - Yeah, she does.

- Banging-till-the-end five. -

- Ew. - "Ew" indeed.

As they dealt with the thought of old people banging,

I had to deal with being my ex-wife's boss.

- Oh, J.D. Quick question. - Ruh-roh.

What the hell? Did you actually change the orders on my patient?

Well, technically, as your boss, he's my patient too.

- He's not your patient. - They're all my patients, Elliot.

Oh, really? Okay.

Without looking at her chart, what's wrong with Mrs. Goldberg here?

Based on what I've seen today, pregnancy scare.

It's not funny, J.D. You can't just go and change the orders on my patient.

Elliot, I'm the chief of medicine of this hospital, and I'm shaping things up.

Okay. I don't care if you're the chief of medicine.

- You haven't been here for a decade. - What do you think my job is?

I'm starting to think we can only hang out with one of 'em.

If they can't be our couples friends, who are we gonna hang out with?

My sister and her husband.

We hate them.

Is that just me?

It's hard enough having J.D. back here,

but I swear he's using his position as chief against me.

Watch this.

He just had these installed, and he knows these dispensers don't work for me.

Maybe I just can't figure out the rhythm?

Or maybe you don't have any.

I'm telling you, J.D. had them installed to drive me crazy.

Those things don't work for me either.

I just thought they were racist and didn't work for Black or brown people.

Oh, look at that.

Elliot, you and J.D. are letting the resentment

from your marriage bubble up.

You need to get a grip.

Oh, I can't get a grip. My hands are wet.

Look, I know I need to get things under control with Elliot,

especially now that I'm her boss.

Oh, boy, when you say that to her, it drives her crazy.

She does not like it.

Listen, Carla thinks we need to find new couples friends,

so you might wanna keep the peace so we can still hang out.

Worst-case scenario, we annihilate anyone that comes between us.

- Yeah. - Okay.

What exactly are you gonna do to anyone who comes between you?

Look, baby, you know you're my world,

but this right here,

I mean, this is the friendship of… …a lifetime, right?

It shines brighter than the sun.

So you never wanna have sex with me again?

J.D., I wish you the best with all your future endeavors.

Turk!

In my entire eight-month career, I have never been abused like this.

Good. I hope you cry in your car tonight.

I'll have you know I cry in my car every night.

Nurse, can you please show Mr. Sharp to his room or an empty elevator shaft?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You cannot talk to a patient like that.

But that man is a nightmare.

I told him he had high cholesterol, and he told me to go get him a man doctor.

Then he gave me a one-star review.

Doctors are being reviewed more than ever on sites like Rate-Your-Doc.

This one says, "I couldn't understand a word he said.

I wish that little twink came with subtitles."

I don't know what you guys are talking about. Mine are all three stars.

It's a five-star system, Blake.

That changes things.

Look, you guys are gonna get criticism throughout your whole career.

You have to let it bounce off you like bullets off of Wonder Woman's bracelets.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

I really wish I'd come up with a more masculine metaphor.

Well, those reviews follow you around. Have you read yours lately?

Tosh, I am a seasoned physician, okay?

I haven't read those things in years, and I certainly don't plan to start now.

I'm gonna start the second I'm away from them.

Look, gang, health care is a service industry,

and the customer is always right.

I want you to let me die.

I know end-stage heart failure sounds bleak, but...

My cardiologist says I'd have to wear my heart in a backpack.

Not true. The LVAD is implanted in your heart.

However, the external operating system is housed in this backpack.

Ooh.

Or… …a stylish messenger bag

for the fashion-forward-heart-failure patient.

- Wow, I'll take it. -

I am not much for gadgets.

Look, without it, you could have a fatal heart attack at any moment.

Please, think of your family.

My husband and I are estranged. We never had any children.

So I'd live a little longer. What kind of life would that be?

I'll call hospice care to start the paperwork.

Um, but first I wrote something that might change your mind.

Uh, "What if hell is real?"

Could you please tread lightly with her?

I just want to give her a chance to think things over.

I'm sorry, but the hospital is low on organ donors,

and she looks like she's made of good stuff.

I get how Georgia feels.

Who would wanna spend the rest of their days

attached to some big, awkward medical device?

My robot's here!

Hey, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, no touching, no touching.

Excuse me, thank you. Whoo, she's beautiful.

I named her Lisa after WNBA Hall of Famer Lisa Leslie because she is all arms.

Hey, that is what's up, girl dad.

Stop kissing my ass. I haven't decided who's training on her first.

I can't wait to use the 3D-HD vision, the tremor filtration,

and the wristed instruments that surpass human hand range of motion.

And I can't wait to slice somebody open with it.

Amara. Amara goes first.

Thank you.

Hey, nice one, Amara.

I am happy for you.

Why are you talking like that?

It's my robot voice.

Oh… …it's fun. Thank you.

Wow. So you have, like, no game?

Very little.

It had been years since I'd taken a gander at my reviews,

but so far, these weren't too…

A quarter of a star? How is that even an option?

They got you too, Dr. Dorian? Just remember:

"Pew, pew, pew."

No, no, no, don't worry, Tosh, I-I could care less

that some idiot named "PicklePie3214"

says I'm "a narcissist who's not fit to run a hospital or a 5K."

I can tell that hurt you, but as you told me…

I was too mad,

so I tuned Tosh out to sound like the grown-ups in The Peanuts.

Hey. Stop Charlie Browning me.

I got your email. Why are you pushing me to discharge my heart failure patient?

Because she's refused treatment,

the hospital is overcrowded, and we need beds, Elliot.

I'm trying to get her to change her mind, J.D. I just need a little more time.

None of this is personal, okay?

Well, it feels personal, J.D., like those new paper towel dispensers.

- You know they don't sense my... - Cold, pasty death mitts?

Exactly.

Look… …you used to walk into bathrooms and get paper towels for me,

and now you're weaponizing them.

I gotta make some cuts around here, Elliot.

Thanks for the new buffer, Chief.

You even sprung for the heated seat I wanted. My toasty buns thank you.

That is a standard feature when you go with emerald green.

Ugh!

Careful, he's got it set to super shine.

That felt personal, J.D.!

All right, very good, Amara. Set the clamp.

Excellent job. We're gonna get this patient home to his family.

Remember, it's tiny movements.

- It's like steering a car. - Got it.

Push the gas.

Okay, that's too much gas. Brakes.

- Brakes. - Where's the brakes?

- Brake! - Where's the brake?

Oh.

It was a massacre.

I thought you said you studied up on this.

I did. It's just all the driving metaphors were confusing me.

W-Who doesn't get driving metaphors?

Someone who doesn't know how to drive.

Well, they didn't have driver's ed at my school

because it was a very small school, just me and my brothers.

And it was at my house.

Oh, you're a home school kid.

That makes perfect sense. I just thought you were weird.

So you guys think homeschooled kids are weird?

- Yes. - No.

- No. - Homeschool was actually awesome.

I never got bullied, and I almost won prom queen twice,

but my brothers always voted for my mom.

- Second place is cool. - She must be pretty.

Forget it, I've over shared.

Oh, hey, Tosh.

Let's say someone did get a bad review,

and he, she or they wanted to get it taken down,

- what would all those people do? - You can't.

Oh, great. So great.

Oh, so it looks like I'm not the only one with thoughts

on your performance as chief.

I don't read the comments, Elliot. I fly above all haters.

Look… …if it bothers you so much,

then just use the technique we learned in couples counseling.

I mean, just vent everything you wish you could say into a voice note.

Again, couldn't care less.

- - Voice note:

I don't love Elliot telling me what to do.